21st May2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (May 20th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have…Don Callis is possibly done as Executive Vice President. Hey hey! Alright! Callis has been rumored to be a sexual predator for some time and has possibly been a predator at Impact. If Callis is in fact a good man of good stock then the possible loss of him at this level is only wanted due to the overall malaise that his run at the top of management has allowed. Impact, like All Elite Wrestling, feels like a league that just doesn’t know what it wants to be and that all falls to the people running the show. It’s funny seeing two promotions that are interesting yet faulty in a working agreement. Maybe two wrongs will make a right. I hope that Impact starts to get better. Well, let’s get right to it.

Match #1: Rohit Raju def. Jake Something

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Jake Something seeks revenge on Rohit Raju after the “Desi Hitman” cost Jake a spot in the 6-way #1 Contenders match at Under Siege. Jake hits a stiff forearm shot right at the opening bell. While the referee’s back is turned, Shera clotheslines Jake on the floor! Jake charges into the corner but Rohit sidesteps, sending him shoulder-first into the steel ring post. Rohit hits a Buzzsaw kick for two. Rohit attempts to chop down the big man but Jake fights back with a spear into the turnbuckles! Rohit counters a powerbomb attempt into a Flatliner for two. Shera trips up Jake from ringside, then holds him down as Rohit scores the pinfall to win!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was a really firm, brisk bout. What am I describing? Iced tea mixed with dog piss? Hey! It tastes good! I was curious…bi-curious….in the butt! Jake took a convincing beating from Rohit, which I was not expecting. Jake did get some offense and it looked proper when he did. Ice T: Body count. Body count. Me: Wowee wowee! Ice T! Ice T: I got a nice ass…and bi-curiously so. Me: Super neato! Bye! Ice T: Bye n—-. Me: Wow. Ice T. Ice T: Ain’t even mixed with dog piss. Me: Oh my God! He referenced my joke! YIYEEYEEYEEYEEYEEYEE!!!!!!!!!!! Rohit and Jake went at it like an escort service run by a whale. Figure it out, punk! This felt like a fight by the end of the match and that’s the way it should be. I wish Jake wouldn’t have lost, but the fact that he gave a victory to Rohit is good for Rohit, so that’s okay. Hey. Alright. Not a bad match.

Match #2: Tenille Dashwood def. Kiera Hogan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Tenille Dashwood is looking to earn a Knockouts Tag Team Title opportunity for her and Taylor Wilde. A win over one half of the reigning champs would certainly move her one step closer towards achieving that goal. Tenille hits a double underhook suplex for two. Tenille connects with a neckbreaker, snapping Kiera’s neck on the ropes. Kiera begins to build momentum with a superkick but Tenille shuts her down with a running clothesline. Tenille rolls up Kiera for three!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – I thought this turned out well. It was brief, but it was energetic. Tenille got a victory over someone who is increasingly accomplished at recovering from a loss. Kiera has become a wrestler who manages to be interesting at any time, Tenille is as dull as paint drying, but she can wrestle when allowed. I’d wager that you will enjoy this for what it is and I gave Road Warrior Hawk Hepatitis C after I traveled back in time and f—ked him. Hawk: You son of a b—ch! Me: Ah! Hawk: I’ll kick your ass! My father sent me over here from the planet Krypton and I got super-powers from the sun and now I’m gonna beat the s—t out of you! Me: Ah! This was a fun match! Ah! Hawk: Get over here asshole! I’m gonna shove my foot so far up your ass that you’ll blow your wad a moan “Oooooo! What a rush!”

Match #3: Petey Williams def. VSK

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The experience factor comes into play early as Petey takes control with a running dropkick. Petey slingshots himself over the top rope and hits a Hurricanrana on the floor! VsK hits a tornado DDT, followed by a powerslam splash combo. VsK counters the Canadian Destroyer into a backbreaker for two. Petey succesfully hits the Canadian Destroyer to score the victory!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Demi Moore once kissed a fifteen year old on camera three times at a party. Petey and VSK had a fine sprint down the track and they both placed pretty high for the short distance they were competing in. Coincidence? I think not! It might be though. Toho Studios: Godzilla is sexy beautiful lizard! You f—k him! Me: Can I feed you a corndog? Toho: Yessssssssssss!!!!!!! Me: VSK took a good turn every other second of this match. I was impressed with Petey performing the X moves at the same level of skill and precision as he did 19 years ago. Wow. What an athlete. How has Petey not had a World Title shot? It’s time damn it. Oh. Petey won with the Canadian Destroyer…the real one. That finisher looks as perfect as ever when the creator and master of that move does it. Petey Williams…the man. Whoo!

Match #4: Rachael Ellering def. Jordynne Grace

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Former Knockouts Tag Team Champions Jordynne Grace and Rachael Ellering do battle in friendly competition tonight. It’s evenly matched in the early going as they trade holds and jockey for position. The aggression begins to build as Jordynne trips up Rachael from the outside. Jordynne locks in a Full Nelson but Rachael repeatedly backs her into the corner to break the hold. Rachael begins to build momentum with a jumping European uppercut, followed by a senton for two. Rachael avoids the Vader Bomb, then rolls up Jordynne for another near fall. Both Knockouts exchange pin attempts with Rachael eventually gaining the upperhand and scoring the three count!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was another good little match that teased what these two could do in a longer match. Grace carried Ellering through the parts she’s a bit weak on and made the match work well overall. Ellering has gotten pretty good since the last time I saw her. Grace is still great. For a short bout, that’s enough ingredients to make a tasty cake, if only a small one. Bon appetite!

Match #5: (Main Event) FinJuice def. Ace Austin and Madman Fulton – Impact World Tag Team Titles Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Fulton puts his power advantage on display as he shoves Juice to the mat with a vicious shoulder tackle. FinJuice turn the tide with a double running bulldog to Fulton. FinJuice hold the ring as Ace and Fulton regain themselves on the outside. Moments later, Ace goads Juice into a massive clothesline from Fulton. Ace kicks Finlay off the apron, preventing Juice from the making the tag. Juice uses his quickness to avoid the oncoming assault, then dives into his corner to make the tag. The pace quickens as Finlay hits a slingshot crossbody to Fulton. Finlay hits Ace with a backbreaker for two. Ace and Fulton almost capture the Tag Team Championships after a Chokeslam Fold double team maneuver. Finlay stuns Fulton, causing him to collide with Ace in the corner. Finlay hits another stunner on Fulton, followed by an Unprettier from Juice to retain the titles!

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Hoo mama! This was okay! The champions defended the straps like it was their last will and testament. The champs were like goofy gypsies that were always doin’ the old shuffle-buffle to your wuffle-guffle. Huh? Ace looked great here and Madman is tall. I love dem tig ol’ bitties! There’s something to be said for a match that was not quite as satisfying as it could have been and yet was still satisfying enough to be worth seeing once. Ketamine can give a man third nipple if you crazy. Pakush! Shish! I’m talking! This was a lot of tie-ups and Irish Whips and dives from the top turnbuckle and stuff like that. The National Basketball Association: We have basketballs! Me: I have The Hulk. The Hulk: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Hulk hate stairs!

Match #6: (Main Event) Violent By Design def. FinJuice – Impact World Tag Team Titles Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After the match, Violent By Design make their way to the ring. In a shocking turn of events, Rhino “Calls His Shot” and trades in the Call Your Shot trophy for a Tag Team Title opportunity! FinJuice must now defend the IMPACT World Tag Team Championships for the second time tonight! Doering erases both members of FinJuice with a massive running crossbody. Rhino takes out Finlay with the Gore. Doering hits Juice with a vicious clothesline to score the pinfall. Violent By Design are the new IMPACT World Tag Team Champions!

The Verdict: 2 out of 10 – This was the Call Your Shot trophy being cashed in to give Rhino and Joe Doering a title shot. This went a minute or so and it was over.

Final Verdict: 6/10

On a night where TJP saved Fallah Bahh from being a slut, Petey Williams challenged TJP and Fallah Bahh to tag against he and Josh Alexander, Jordynne Grace was teased as turning heel and Bryan Danielson was teased as coming over to Impact for Slammiversary, this was a show of 6-rated matches. We had a 6 and a 6 and a 6… Satan: I am the Devil! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! I summon evil! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Me: Hey Stan! Shove it! Satan: Satan! Me: Steve! Satan: Satan! Me: Skoogie! Satan: Sa…tan! Me: Ass…hole! Satan: Mother-f—ker says what. Me: You f—ked your mother?! Ewwwwwwww!!!!!! Satan: What? No! I… Me: You just proved it again! You’re gross! F—k off, perv! Satan: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (explodes) Me: I’m so glad I have the TalkTech here to record everything that happens here. Jonjo: I’m a computer program! Yeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!! Me: Anyway, this was a fun show that was solid in the ring and managed to tease the Moose/Kenny Omega match in the process. I know you. I walked with you oooooonce uponnnnnnnn a dreeeeeeeeeam!!!!!!!!! Hasta la vista, baby!


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