18th May2021

WWE Raw – May 17th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and welcome to Prison Jeopardy with your host, Mike Tyson! Mike Tyson: Welcome back thu Jeffpardy! I Mie Tython! I went to prithin fo rapf in the ‘90s and now I doin’ dis s—t. Hear is our contesthants! From Stupidville, North Carolina, a convicted drug dealer…Duke “Stabbin’ Ass” Hole! From Bube, Montana, convicted of erotic cannibalism…Mann Eeter! …and from Your Momma’s Bedroom, the guy that invented the DMV…Jack Ass! Jack Ass: Jack Ass! MT: Here are thum catumgories: Gay Rights, Breast Milk, Mikey Likes It! He Really Likes It!, Where’s The Stash?, Midget Anal, Gas In A Plastic Bag, JFKKK and Potpourri. Duke. Pleathe start us offth. Duke: F—k you! Warden Prick: Hey! Shut the f—k up! Mann: I’m gonna bite ya’! Duke: You bite me freako and I slap yo ass to the back of the short, yellow bus you rode here on muthafugga! Jack Ass: Jack Ass say, move to the red line for change of address forms! Mann: Red line is for menstrual blood! Jack Ass: Yes! Too expensive! Duke: That don’t make sense! If it expensive, then why do you paint the red line with p—sy blood?! Jack Ass: For bears! How do bears navigate DMV? …with woman blood! I care about bears! Mann: Do bear nipples melt in your mouth like they do in your hand? Jack Ass: Yes! Duke: If you ass-holes don’t stop talkin’ ‘bout this s—t, then I’mma stab you in the ass! Jack Ass: Jack Ass! Duke: Oh I’mma get you! Believe that! MT: Y’all shut up B4 I beat the s—t out of y’all! Duke: I stab you in the ass too! I’ll take Mikey Likes It! He Really Likes It! for 600 n—-. MT: Oh! I’mma beet yo ass! Jack Ass: Jack Ass! Prick: Alright! Light ‘em up! (rubber bullets fired) MT: Ow! Little whythe man juz shot me! I’mma smack yo ass around like that chick in that hotel room! Jack Ass: Jack Ass! Me: …and we will be back for more Prison Jeopardy in just a moment! Until we return, enjoy this review of Monday Night Raw!

Match #1: AJ Styles def. Elias via DQ

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

One half of the Raw Tag Team Champions AJ Styles’ match against Elias came to an abrupt end when Jaxson Ryker knocked The Phenomenal One off the apron as he was set to hit the Phenomenal Forearm. The interference left Styles’ personal colossus Omos fuming.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – The rare dull AJ Styles match was still a solid one. AJ carried Elias through the hard parts and got him to the interesting ones with little difficulty. Mike Tyson: Whayth the food shack? Me: Craft service is over there. MT: Thanths pickle-dick. Me: AJ was able to give Elias several points in the match to look pretty mean, which has been something that Elias always struggles to show. MT: I ate a hole pig! Him name wuz Jacocomum! Jacocomum: WAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNN!!!!!!!! MT: Get back here Jacocomum! You ass be dead now! I ate you legs! Me: I…just saw a pig pull itself jaw-first across the floor to get away from Mike Tyson… MT: Slow down! You too fasth! Me: …and the pig is faster than a former Heavyweight boxing champion. Anyway, as openers go, this was decent and decent is enough to succeed, but perhaps not excite.

Match #2: Angel Garza def. Drew Gulak

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Angel Garza unleashed a one-sided assault on Drew Gulak all the way to his victory. After the bell, he fulfilled a recent threat by stuffing a rose down Gulak’s throat.

The Verdict: 3 out of 10 – This was just a few minutes. It was not a squash, but it looked like one. Stupid squash matches. I hate ‘em! GAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! This was a waste of both fighters, but there was a nice drop-kick in the first few seconds…I think. I don’t know. Gimme candy. MT: Come back here Jacocomum! I need eat u!

Match #3: Kofi Kingston def. Randy Orton

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

One week after Randy Orton decided to RKO The New Day, Xavier Woods distracted The Viper by playing his trombone Francesca and paved the way for Kofi Kingston to overcome WWE’s Apex Predator with the quick pin.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – Not a bad match. Length was the reason this doesn’t get a higher rating. Five minutes is not enough time for these guys to add another noteworthy chapter to their excellent rivalry. That being said, the match was fun for the brief time it got. MT: I’mma rip some bacon off yo’ back Jacocomum! Me: He still hasn’t caught that pig yet?

Match #4: Tamina/Natalya def. Nia Jax/Shayna Baszler – WWE Women’s Tag Team Titles Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In the title rematch between new WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions Natalya & Tamina and their predecessors Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler, strange flames suddenly emerged from the turnbuckle closest to an interfering Reginald and sent him flying to the ringside floor in pain. The commotion allowed the titleholders to reign supreme with the Heart Attack.

The Verdict: 2 out of 10 – Time killed this one too. This was just a few minutes. MT: Come back here! I’m tha hosth of Prithon Jetpardy! Me: Next match.

Match #5: Sheamus def. Ricochet

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

At WrestleMania Backlash, United States Champion Sheamus overcame Ricochet without putting the title on the line. That didn’t stop his defeated opponent from walking out with The Celtic Warrior’s hat and coat in mock defiance. Although Ricochet took the titleholder to the limit in their Raw rematch 24 hours later, Sheamus emerged victorious with the Brogue Kick.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Now this is more like it. These guys got around 13 minutes I think. Talk about slam-bang action. Really. Start talking about it. That’s your cue. Ricochet took this return to Raw as a chance to make a new first-impression and it was a strong one. Sheamus was a cocky bastard and that’s just what the intensely aggressive Ricochet needed to work with. The contrast in styles was seamlessly blended into a kinetic fracas fraught with enough peril to be dangerous yet not quite too violent to be beyond belief. Sheamus came across as a star and Ricochet felt like a star in the making. This is what a match like this should do and this was every bit as entertaining as it could be. MT: I so pithed off! I wanna eat that pig! Me: Leave the pig alone! MT: You fuggen wit me chubby-wub? I’mma git dat ass in the rang! See me theyah! Me: I will! I…oh s—t. Next match.

Match #6: Asuka def. Charlotte

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Fresh off retaining the Raw Women’s Championship in a Triple Threat Match against Asuka and Charlotte Flair at WrestleMania Backlash, Rhea Ripley got a ringside seat to watch The Empress take on The Queen. The Nightmare decided to mess with Charlotte and threw her off her game enough for Asuka to claim the pin as her opponent was attempting to lock in the Figure-Eight Leglock.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – This was another fabulous match. It had around 16 minutes and was only hindered by numerous censoring of Charlotte’s breasts popping out of her top and several breaks in the action due to both wrestlers jaw-jacking with Rhea Ripley. There was enough grappling to make a foundation on which to rest the match itself. Asuka brought the intensity and Charlotte did her usual impression of her father Ric Flair. Action was the order of the day and the order was delivered with some enthusiasm. While not the most involved match of either fighter’s career, it was thoroughly wrestled in the big sequences and held together when it needed to. I’d call this a success. Now, I have to train to fight. Mickey: You’re a wrecking machine! Me: How’d that old coot get here so fast? Mickey: I rode an elephant here. The benefits of a hot piece of ass I tells ya. Elephant: PWAAAAAAAAAMPH!!!!! Mickey: Later! Anal is not for public consumption doll. Me: Next match.

Match #7: Damian Priest def. John Morrison – Lumberjack Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Damian Priest and Miz’s WrestleMania Backlash Lumberjack Match took a strange turn last night when the Lumberjacks turned out to be zombies. Despite the calamity of that frightening encounter, though, Damian Priest returned to Raw unscathed to overcome John Morrison with Hit the Lights in an extremely hard-fought Lumberjack Match.

The Verdict: 7 out of 10 – Here’s another good match. Mickey: Punch! Punch like you’re life depends on it! Me: Priest and Morrison worked great together. The difference in styles made for a great pairing. Priest brought power and speed, while Morrison brought his usual yet always thrilling agility to this Lumberjack Match. Speaking of which, the Lumberjacks were not zombies and actually made their part of the match work. Mickey: You gotta knock ‘im out or kiss ‘im ‘till he f—ks ya’ so hard he loves ya’! That’s boxin’! Me: I liked the pace of this bout as well. I thought this worked out very well. These guys managed to make a match that was not interesting on paper and turn it into what it should be…fun. Mickey: Now put this dress on and I’ll show ya’ how to earn six-figures while on your knees. Me: Next match. Next match!

Match #8: (Main Event) Kofi Kingston def. Bobby Lashley

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Although Kofi Kingston answered Bobby Lashley’s open challenge, MVP dropped a bombshell right before the action started by stating at the last second that the contest was not for the WWE Title. Xavier Woods began to distract The All Mighty by playing his trombone Francesca once again. As a result, the referee turned his attention toward Woods to eject him from ringside. When MVP attempted to take advantage of this distraction and hit Kofi with his cane, Drew McIntyre emerged to grab it away at the last second and strike Lashley with it instead. This paved the way for Kingston to score a non-title win over the WWE Champion.

The Verdict: 6 out of 10 – This was a very under-baked loaf of bread, but at least the dough tasted good all the same. Kofi winning was very welcome, even if it was by way of Drew McIntyre interfering. Bobby played the role of powerhouse very well and gave Kofi something to struggle against. It’s a booking strategy that doesn’t always work, but it was convincing here. This was less about the actual match and more about the angle of an underdog capturing a big victory over the current World Champion. Now, perhaps Kofi will get the chance to wrestle for the World Title again? I hope so. Mickey: Okay kid. Chomper-Jaw is ready to fights ya in the parking lot. Me: Great. Should I piss myself now or wait until we get out there?

Final Verdict: 7/10

I can’t believe it, but this score doesn’t feel un-earned. Three matches ranging in the 7 area actually got time to make a strong impression. Cool. Plus, you get a couple of 6s that were of decent quality. The second half of this show had a lot of top-notch wrestling and very little filler. Additionally, the common thread for most of this show was everyone wanting to challenge Bobby Lashley for in the main event for what they thought was a World Title Match. The whole roster got a chance to remind the audience at large of why they were on the roster to begin with and that will go a long way to keeping this show together for when Vince gets a hair up his ass and decides to turn Raw into a strip club. I thought this was a good show. I may not like the way Vince does business, but that doesn’t mean I have to hate this show automatically. Okay. Tha… Mike Tyson: Git yo’ ass ovah heeah! Me: Right. Mike Tyson: Ready to git knogged out?! Mickey: You gotta believe in yourself! Me: I do. (pulls out gun) Rope a dope. (shoots Mike Tyson in the head) Mike Tyson: Ow! That hurt! Me: Yeah. That’s why I did it. MT: I never thought to do that in a fight. Thath smarth! Me: Yeah…(shoots him dead)…thanks. Warden Prick: Okay. Show’s getting started up again in thirty seconds. Me: Oh. Right. Who’s gonna host now? (thirty seconds later) Andy Dick: Welcome back to Prison Jeopardy! I’m Andy Dick! Jack Ass: Kill him! Andy Dick: Oh s—t! Me: Monday Night Raw was pretty good this week. I’ll see you next time!

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