14th May2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (May 13th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have a few matches before Under Siege. Steven Seagal: I’m on a boat and then a choo choo. Me: Boat then a choo choo? SS: Boat then a choo choo. Gary Busey: Under siege! (gets stabbed in neck) SS: My movie! GB: Gary Busey’s head-holder got stabbed-stabbed! Tommy Lee Jones: Got a bandana! (stabbed in the neck) SS: Boat then a choo choo! Me: Why are you stabbing people? SS: Boat then a choo choo! Me: Why’d you f—k the babysitter? The Babysitter: Got nice boobs! Me: Ah. SS: Boat then a choo choo! Me: Okay. I’ve had enough of this. Impact starts now.

Match #1: Havok def. Rosemary

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The winner of this match will challenge Deonna Purrazzo for the Knockouts Title this Saturday at Under Siege on IMPACT Plus! It’s a stalemate in the early going as both Knockouts avoid each other’s offense. Havok hits a running boot in the corner to gain control. Havok pummels her opponent with repeated strikes! Momentum shifts when Rosemary launches Havok into the air, then connects with a Spear for two! Havok hits her signature Tombstone Piledriver to win the match and become #1 contender for the Knockouts Title!

The Score: 5 out of 10

Match #2: El Phantasmo def. Petey Williams, Ace Austin, TJP, Acey Romero and Rohit Raju

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Another match, another huge opportunity as the winner will go on to face Josh Alexander for the X-Division Title at Under Siege! El Phantasmo hits Ace with a top rope Death Valley Driver, crashing into everyone on the floor! Petey connects with a Canadian Destroyer on TJP. Rohit takes out Romero with a jumping knee. It’s anyone’s match as Ace hits a Fosbury Flop to the outside. Madman Fulton and Larry D clash at ringside and they’re not in even the match! TJP connects with the Detonation Kick on Petey. Phantasmo plants Petey with a double underhook slam to score the victory and become #1 contender for the X-Division Title!

The Score: 6 out of 10

Match #3: Willie Mack def. Sam Beale

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Willie connects with his go-to standing Moonsault in the opening moments of the match! Willie is in control for several minutes when Beale begins to fight back with a series of boots. Willie hits a pop-up forearm, followed by the Frog Splash to win.

The Score: 2 out of 10

Match #4: David Finlay def. Karl Anderson

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Who will gain momentum heading into Under Siege where Kenny Omega and The Good Brothers battle Eddie Edwards and FinJuice in a star-studded six-man tag? Omega and Gallows trip up Finlay from ringside but turnabout is fair play as Juice does the same to Anderson! Anderson distracts the referee, allowing Omega and Gallows to attack Finlay on the outside. Anderson begins to wear Finlay down with a reverse chokehold until Finlay breaks free with a back suplex. Finlay takes out Omega and Gallows with a slingshot crossbody! Finlay locks in the Indian Deathlock but Omega jumps him to cause the disqualification.

The Score: 5 out of 10

Match #5: Brian Myers def. Crazzy Steve

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Before Brian Myers goes one-on-one with Black Taurus at Under Siege, he must first get through Crazzy Steve tonight! Steve cranks his neck, then charges into the corner. Myers retreats to the floor and pretends that Taurus pushed him to the floor, tricking the referee into ejecting him from ringside! Steve attempts a springboard but Myers cuts him off with a mid-air dropkick. Myers rolls up Steve with his feet on the ropes to steal the victory.

The Score: 4 out of 10

Match #6: (Main Event) Moose, Sami Callihan and Chris Bey def. Chris Sabin, Matt Cardona and Trey Miguel

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Before they collide in the 6-Way #1 Contenders match at Under Siege, these six competitors go head-to-head in tonight’s tag team main event! Don Callis and The Good Brothers are seen watching the match from their locker room. Callihan, Moose and Bey wear Trey down as they cut off the ring and prevent him from making the tag. Both Trey and Callihan connect with clotheslines, giving Trey a moment to regain himself. Trey makes the tag to Cardona, who quickens the pace and goes on the attack! Trey launches himself over the top but is caught in mid-air by Moose. Trey reverses into a Hurricanrana, sending him into the steel ring post! Following a breathtaking flurry of offense, Callihan takes out Sabin with his signature Piledriver to win.

The Score: 6 out of 10

Final Verdict: 6/10

Well, this was lovely…for me to poop on! What I liked about this show was not paying attention to it. Listen. You read above…or not. There’s a lot of sixes. The matches got moderate length booked for them, which helped make the bouts…something. Crazzy Steve looked fantastic this week. Talk about a house of fire. Steven Seagal: Boat and then a choo choo. Me: Oh God. Opening paragraph jokes aren’t supposed to be in the closing paragraph. SS: Moose was big. Me: Yeah. He played the part of a towering titan well. The whole main event was a big burst of action that wasn’t much more than meat and boiling potatoes, but I like that for dinner. The X-Division match was very exciting, if a bit dull in the head, but since the most exciting guy won, I’d call that contest a hit, if only a mild one. Willie Mack got attacked by Morrissey, who have a new album out called “F—k You”. Ummmmm…this was not very eventful in terms of the matches. There’s some nice wrestling here, but it’s only in shorter bursts. Well, Brian Myers sold great for Steve, so that performance was worth seeing. Oh, Kenny Omega cut a terrible promo that made me long for Terry Taylor. There’s a thought for you. Woof! How is Kenny getting himself under? Kenny entered AEW as one of the biggest stars in wrestling and is now barely ready for a revival of the Red Rooster gimmick. The Shockmaster seems like less of a goof at this point. Where’s Rich Swann? Is he dead? Okay. The long and short of this was that the matches were decent. This show was decent and that’s about it. I wish that Impact would learn to front-load the go-home shows with matches that give me enough confidence in your ability to deliver a big show, so that way I can get really excited about the Pay Per View that’s on the way in just a few days. Well, that’s all there is here. Impact was just enough to get you by, but it needs a shot to the heart and it shouldn’t be late, because you give love a bad name! Adios muchachos!

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