WWE Raw – May 3rd 2021: Results & Review
Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have… Marge Schott: Shut the f–k up! Welcome to my show, “Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em!” KALFK! On this show babe, we got the owner and dictator of the World Wrestling Entertainment himself, Vince McMahon! KALFK! KALFK! Vince: Nice to be here toots! MS: You’ve got a hell of a racket with these spandexed homos! Have ’em pretend to fight for five minutes, lull ’em in with action so boring that they can’t change the channel and you get easy ratings all day doll! VM: Well, that’s not quite what it is. MS: Oh, bull-s–t! It’s what the New York Knicks do every season! It’s what James Spader does in every movie! It’s what Marge does to the pool boy when she wants to get some nookie honey! Who needs effort when you can just put ’em in a trance and violate them, like Marge’s buddy David Copperfield! You’re getting very sleepy…and I’m taking your panties off. Bang! VM: Our great fans are our number one priority. We here at the WWE strive to be number one at providing a one-stop shop for all your entertainment needs. MS: So if Marge wanted to get a lap dance from a 19 year old with no parents, do you guys cover that or is that still a Burger King thing? I wanna know how you market this s–t to kids and yet the only people who watch it are f–kers who are in their 50s and ready to die? VM: Well, we are experiencing some difficulties with viewership as of late. MS: Duh! Dip-s–t! You don’t have any poon-tang! Roman Reigns looks like he had leukemia twice! How’s that hot?! VM: He did! MS: See? Get rid of the cocoa Yoko and this band can get it’s act back together. Also…why no anal? Guys love anal! Hey there champ! Write this s–t down! VM: I…have to go. (Marge shoots Vince) MS: Awwwww s–t! We’re out of time! This has been Marge saying… Me: Holy s–t! You shot Vince! MS: Raw starts now! You gonna eat that dead guy?
[Author’s Note: The following review includes Riddle, who is accused of rape by at least one person. Riddle has not been found guilty or innocent of the charge of rape in a court of law. If you are alarmed or upset at Riddle’s presence on this show, then viewer discretion should be advised].
Match #1: AJ Styles and Omos def. The New Day – Raw Tag Titles Match
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
AJ Styles and Omos returned to the red brand for the first time since winning the Raw Tag Team Titles last month at WrestleMania only to be ridiculed by The New Day for their multiple-week vacation. In the subsequent Raw Tag Team Championship Rematch, however, The New Day failed to reclaim their titles from AJ Styles & Omos after Styles hit the Phenomenal Forearm on Xavier Woods off the towering shoulders of his own personal colossus.
The Score: 6 out of 10
Match #2: Charlotte Flair def. Dana Brooke
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
After being reinstated to Raw from her indefinite suppression by WWE Official Sonya Deville and celebrating with a victory over Mandy Rose last week, The Queen kicked out of Dana Brooke’s Swanton off the top rope and made her opponent tap out to the Figure-Eight Leglock. When Flair wouldn’t break it after the bell, though, Rose stepped through the ropes and knocked her out of the ring.
The Score: 3 out of 10
Match #3: Damian Priest def. John Morrison
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
After helping The New Day pelt The Miz, John Morrison, Elias and Jaxson Ryker with tomatoes last week, Damian Priest took on The Shaman of Sexy. When The A-Lister’s distraction backfired, it opened the door for The Archer of Infamy to triumph with Hit the Lights.
The Score: 5 out of 10
Match #4: Lucha House Party def. Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
The former members of The Hurt Business looked get back on the winning track against The Lucha House Party. After Gran Metalik pinned Shelton Benjamin with the elbow off the ropes, an irate Cedric Alexander seized the mic, declared Shelton the weak link of their team and made it clear he was done with his tag team partner.
The Score: 5 out of 10
Match #5: Angel Garza def. Drew Gulak
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
After mocking the suave Angel Garza, Drew Gulak battled The Lethal Lothario. After Garza emerged victorious with the Wing Clipper, he placed his flower in an uncomfortable position and added a kick for (bad) measure.
The Score: 2 out of 10
Match #6: Randy Orton & Riddle def. Elias & Jaxson Ryker
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
After Elias and Jaxson Ryker accidently covered Randy Orton with rotten tomatoes while trying to get even with The New Day backstage, The Viper and his R-K-Bro “partner” Riddle reigned supreme over the fruit-wielding assailants with Orton hitting the RKO on Ryker and Riddle hitting the Floating Bro on Elias for the pin.
The Score: 5 out of 10
Match #7: Sheamus def. Mansoor by Disqualification
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Moments after signing his WWE contract and becoming a Superstar on Monday Night Raw, Mansoor was offered the opportunity of a lifetime when Sheamus invited him to a match. Mansoor reused to lay down for The Celtic Warrior, which set the stage for a heated showdown. But before a winner could be determined, Humberto Carrillo emerged and attacked The Celtic Warrior as payback for an attack earlier in the night. Nevertheless, Sheamus roared back and hit a Brogue Kick on Humberto and Mansoor.
The Score: 4 out of 10
Match #8: Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler def. Naomi & Lana – WWE Women’s Tag Team Title Match
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Naomi and Lana hoped to make Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler feel the glow and walk out as the new WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions. When Reginald interfered, however, it cost the challenger valuable seconds. That was all Baszler needed to make Lana tap out to the Kirifuda Clutch.
The Score: 3 out of 10
Match #9: (Main Event) Bobby Lashley def. Braun Strowman
The following is courtesy of wwe.com:
Two weeks before the WWE Championship Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania Backlash, WWE Champion Bobby Lashley battled Braun Strowman, with Drew McIntyre joining the Raw announce team. When the action moved outside the ring, The Monster soon got into an altercation with The Scottish Warrior. Although Strowman beat the count back into the ring, further disruption by McIntyre allowed The All Mighty to reign supreme with the Spear.
The Score: 7 out of 10
Major News:
- Eva Marie is returning to Raw.
- Cedric Alexander broke off the partnership between he and Shelton Benjamin and Shelton was turned into a tweener-babyface in a post-angle promo that started the most interesting feud of the past year for the WWE.
- Charlotte Flair has been added to the Raw Women’s Title Match at WrestleMania Backlash.
- Mansoor has been signed to Raw.
- Sonya Deville is trying to take over the WWE Official position that Adam Pearce has by gradually undermining him.
- Drew McIntyre fights Bobby Lashley, next week.
Final Verdict: 4/10
This was an engine being started and almost getting revved, but sputtering just before the f–ker could turn over. In principal, this card was quite good, but in practice, this was as much of a let-down as Vince has produced in some time. The matches were far too short for their own good or ours and the show itself was contaminated by too numerous of promos from MVP/Bobby Lashley as well as the rest of the roster. The angle of tomatoes being thrown was continued and Riddle was allowed to ride his scooter for longer than most matches were allowed to go on. Angel Garza kicked a rose up Drew Gulak’s ass. That’s not a joke. The only match that really delivered was the main event. Braun sold well for the main event. Omos looked pretty good in the tag title squash that also saw AJ Styles collect one of the easiest paychecks of his life, because all he had to do was pose and cackle. This was a pretty weak show that didn’t dedicate enough time to the matches that the wrestlers were trying to make work. You’d think a three hour show would have at least two hours of action, but getting a half hour at most is just pathetic. Vince continuing to push three hours of television as a commercial for three hours of Pay Per View on Peacock is as stupid and cheap as it was when it was just doing the same for traditional PPV. I left this show without an interest in WrestleMania Backlash or an interest in next week’s Monday Night Raw. That’s sad and that’s all from me. I’ll see you next time.
