30th Apr2021

‘AEW: Dynamite’ Review (Apr 28th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s AEW: Dynamite review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and…oh no! It’s…Cher!!!!!! Cher: I’m a b—ch! Me: Go away you b—ch! Cher: That’s Super-B—ch! Shaboom! Me: What do you want, b—ch? Cher: This b—ch wants to smash a child’s toy train! Me: You b—ch! Cher: That’s Mr. B—ch to you! Me: You b—ch! Why would you want to destroy a child’s toy?! Cher: ‘Cuz I’m a b—ch! Me: Well b—ch, I have little surprise for you. Cher: That’s Captain B—ch to you! Me: Here you go, you b—ch! (unleashes…Eric Roberts) Eric Roberts: B—ch! I’m drunk! Want booze God damn it! Cher: I’m the B—ch-Master Supreme! I shall not be defeated by this alcoholic miscreant! Eric Roberts: Hey b—ch! Take your top off! Cher: This b—ch will take off yours! (pulls out her sword) Eric Roberts: (unsheathes his blade) B—ch, there can be…only one! (both behead the other) Me: My God! (lightning erupts in a burst of raw power) It’s the Quickening! (explosion creates glowing androgynous being) The Being: I was once both Eric Roberts and Cher. Torn asunder by a viewing of the late 90s suspense thriller “The Siege”, the size of Annette Bening’s wang in that film created a fissure in my eternality. Now, I am whole again. I am…Cheric! Me: It’s good to see you again, Cheric. Cheric: Now that I am I again, I can use my f—k-stick to play ball-in-a-cup with my bang-cave. I shall never be wont for boredom again. Also, I can go to Red Lobster and order waffles and nobody can say s—t, because I’m a hermaphrodite and I’ll just say “Can you go f—k yourself, because I can?” Me: It’ll be just like the 70s. Cheric: I’ll ride a panda to Times Square and punch the poor again! That’ll teach them to be downtrodden! Me: Yes Cheric! Yes! Cheric: I shall reign supreme! I will summon all the pansy-waist lady-boys of Vietnam to my throne once again. We shall become The Masters Of The Universe once more and for all time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! He-Man: You b—ch! Cheric: He-Man?! He-Man: There can be…only one! Cheric: Oh s—t! (Cheric is beheaded by He-Man) He-Man: …and so the evil has been slain, for once and for all! Me: Ummmm… He-Man: You dared to merge the evil together. What game were you playing?! Me: Candy Land? He-Man: Oh. Okay. Me: Dynamite starts now.

[Author’s Note: Darby Allin, a wrestler accused of rape, is on this show. Allin has not been found guilty or innocent in a court of law of the crime with which he has been accused. If Allin’s alleged crime is alarming or upsetting to you, then viewer discretion should be advised].

Match #1: Brian Cage def. Adam Page

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Team Taz jumped “Hangman” as he was making his entrance. Dark Order came out to even up the odds for Page! Brian Cage powerbombed “Hangman” Page on the ramp! Cage chopped at Page and then hit a belly-to-belly suplex. He manhandled Page into the corner turnbuckles and then surprised him with another over the top suplex. Cage took Page to the outside of the ring and hurled him into the steel guardrail. Cage picked up Page and dropped him directly on the ring apron. Cage shot a half nelson for a near fall on “Hangman”. Cage attempted a standing moonsault press but Page lifted his knees just in time to counter it. Cage wasted no time with a thrust kick to Page. He suplexed Page for another near fall. Cage charged at Page, but Page ducked it, sending Cage to the outside with his own momentum. Page crashed down with a spectacular moonsault onto Cage on the outside! Page tried for the Buckshot Lariat, but Cage had it scouted and countered with a powerbomb and then a buckle bomb! Cage connected with Drill Claw City and pinned “Hangman” Adam Page!

The Score: 6 out of 10

Match #2: The Young Bucks def. The Sydals

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Matt Jackson and Mike Sydal locked up. Matt hit a cross chop on Mike’s windpipe. Mike swept out Matt’s legs and used a standing moonsault press. Nick Jackson tagged in, and then Matt Sydal joined the fray with a tag. Matt stretched Nick Jackson and then the Sydal brothers used stereo dropkicks, displaying tremendous tandem offense. Mike Sydal ate a superkick from Matt Jackson, and then Matt clotheslined Matt Sydal. Matt Jackson strutted around the ring cockily. Matt Sydal sprung into the ring and nailed Matt Jackson with a brainbuster for a near fall. Matt and Mike Sydal used stereo meteoras on Matt, but Nick Jackson made the save for his team! Matt Sydal rocked Matt Jackson with a question mark kick. Matt Jackson was able to counter Matt Sydal by dropping him knee first on the top rope. Matt used a blatant low blow (ala Johnny Cage) on Mike Sydal. The Bucks finished off Mike Sydal with the BTE Trigger and scored the pin!

The Score: 6 out of 10

Match #3: Orange Cassidy def. Penta El Zero Miedo

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Orange tried to place his hands in his pockets but Penta El Zero Miedo wouldn’t allow it. Orange Cassidy removed his sunglasses and tossed them outside the ring to Trent. Orange placed his hands in his pockets and used an arm drag on Penta El Zero Miedo! Penta El Zero Miedo smashed Orange right across his knee with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Orange Cassidy rolled up Penta El Zero Miedo with a crucifix for a near fall. Penta El Zero Miedo intercepted Orange Cassidy’s tope suicida with one hand and then slammed him onto the apron! Back in the ring, Cassidy turned the tables with a diving crossbody. He attempted a DDT but Penta El Zero Miedo stopped Orange in his tracks and dropped him with a textbook brainbuster! Orange fired up but Penta El Zero Miedo countered the orange punch and then pancaked him with a package piledriver! Penta El Zero Miedo stomped on Orange Cassidy’s shoulders. They traded thrust kicks in the middle of the ring. Orange Cassidy pulped Penta El Zero Miedo with the Beach Break for a near fall! Penta El Zero Miedo ran across the ring and smashed Orange Cassidy with a thrust kick. Orange Cassidy hit the Stun Dog Millionaire out of nowhere and then connected with a diving DDT! Orange used a spinning DDT but somehow Penta El Zero Miedo kicked out! Alex distracted Orange Cassidy, but Orange waffled Penta El Zero Miedo with Alex’s microphone while the referee wasn’t looking. Orange Cassidy picked up the victory!

The Score: 6 out of 10

Match #4: Kris Statlander def. Penelope Ford

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Statlander powerslammed Ford! She followed up with a military press, dropping Ford onto the canvas! Penelope Ford missed a knee dive when Kris rolled out of the way. Kip distracted Kris. This allowed Penelope to boot Kris Statlander and then drop a diving knee! They traded forearms in a slugfest until Statlander used a back heel trip-lariat combo on Ford. Statlander smashed Ford with a blue thunder bomb for a near fall. Penelope Ford came out of nowhere with a flipping neck breaker on Statlander, but Statlander kicked out. Statlander hit the Solar Eclipse for a two-count! Penelope Ford caught Statlander with a heel kick. Penelope went for a handspring elbow but Statlander countered with the Big Bang Theory and it was enough to finish off Ford!

The Score: 3 out of 10

Match #5: Nightmare Factory def. Nightmare Family

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

The Nightmare Family and The Factory brawled all over ringside to begin the match! Billy got kicked by QT from behind. Nick Comoroto tagged in and used a backbreaker on Billy. Nick squeezed Billy with a bear hug. Dustin Rhodes tagged in and delivered shot after shot to Nick Comoroto, but Nick answered with a running clothesline. QT and The Factory took turns working over Dustin with quick tags. Lee Johnson tagged in and hung Solow out to dry with a neck breaker. Johnson connected with a blue thunderbomb, but Nick Comoroto made the save for his team. QT Marshall ran in, but Johnson dumped him out of the ring. Anthony Ogogo pulverized Billy and Lee Johnson with punches. QT Marshall pinned Lee Johnson after Ogogo’s thunderous punch. Austin and Colton Gunn ran in and sent QT Marshall retreating. “The American Nightmare” Cody Rhodes surprised QT Marshall by exiting the Nightmare Express bus. QT and Cody battled on the roof of the bus! Cody applied the figure four on top of the bus and QT tapped!

The Score: 5 out of 10

Match #6: (Main Event) Darby Allin def. 10 – TNT Title Match

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

10 backed Darby into the turnbuckles and allowed for a clean break. 10 knocked Darby hard to the mat with a shoulder tackle. Darby grabbed a headlock but 10 overpowered him with a backbreaker. Darby caught 10 with a right hand to the jaw! Darby escaped a powerbomb attempt and used a chop block on 10. Darby jumped off the top turnbuckle but 10 deflected Darby with a stiff shoulder. 10 stopped Darby in his tracks with a spinebuster! 10 dropped Darby with a single arm powerbomb. Darby came over the top with a stunner. Darby attempted the armbar, bending 10’s fingers back, until he was able to lock it on. 10 grabbed the ropes and forced the ref break. 10 rolled to the outside and Darby followed him. 10 hoisted Darby and rammed him into the steel barricade. 10 took a moment to stare down Sting. Darby dropped a flipping dive onto 10. The Dark Order moved in, but Sting backed them off. While this was transpiring, Ethan Page jumped over the barricade and rammed Darby’s head into the steel post! The referee didn’t see any of this when it went down! 10 used a wheelbarrow until a German suplex for a near fall on Darby Allin! 10 tried to lock in his full nelson but Darby countered by ripping 10’s mask and then gouging 10’s eyes! 10 finally locked in the full nelson but Darby pushed off the turnbuckle and managed to pin 10!

The Score: 6 out of 10

Final Verdict: 5/10

Most of the matches on this show we’re a 6. Why did this get a 5? Most of the matches were far too short and, while often exciting, they were not the complete package that you might think was getting delivered. Page/Cage was essentially a squash that went five minutes and favored only the eventual winner. The Jacksons, who didn’t sing a f–kin’ thing, and The Sydals had a match that offered great thrills, but not great suspense all while going a bit short. Statlander and Ford couldn’t get the car started apart from spinning the wheels and only for a few minutes. Penta and Cassidy got a good chunk of time, but spent most that time on the road to glory just runnin’ on empty from putting the pedal to the metal when they were supposed to pump the breaks. Our penultimate match was a nightmare on two fronts, but not in name only. It’s sad when, in a match made to build credibility for new wrestlers, the only ones who looked credible in the match were the ones past the age of 50. Finally, our main event features the champion defending against 10, who is no Bo Derek. It was a vigorous prize fight, but one without even appeal. 10 was never seen as a man of his own accord. Allin ate the challenger alive and retained in a fierce yet dull fight that didn’t quite reach the heights it needed to. Jon Moxley and Eddie Kingston did a WWE beat down angle on Nakazawa to get a match against Kenny Omega. The Inner Circle and The Pinnacle had a long promo to sell us on something that was already sold. I get that people want AEW to be seen as great, but when Dynamite is just a slightly better version of Raw, how much of a difference is that? I was disappointed in this episode, even though I was entertained. Well, that’s enough out of me. I’ll see you next time.

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