20th Apr2021

Friday Night Smackdown – Apr 16th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s review of World Wrestling Entertainment’s Friday Night SmackDown, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and I’m very busy. Excuse me. Okay Jason. We are nearing full velocity of this most precious viscosity. Jason: What? Me: Jason. The chemical formula for perfection is almost ready for testing. Prep the stabilizer in the event of the metabolic vanishing point being reached. I do not need to die in the name of science. Jason: Professor, why do you have to test this on yourself? We have a volunteer already. Me: No Jason. If this compound is destined to fail, then let it do so with me and me alone. Inject the serum. (serum injected) Jason: How do you feel? Me: The same. Heart rate is up. Might just be anticipation. Nervous. Wait… Jason: Professor? Me: I’ve got to finish the SmackDown review. Jason…it’s wrestling time!

Match #1: Rey Mysterio def. Otis

The following is courtesy of wwe.com

With the Alpha Academy-trained Otis continuing to be a painful thorn in the side of the Mysterio family, Rey Mysterio aimed to set an example for his son Dominik against The Blue-Collar Brawler. After hitting the 619 in the final moments, Mysterio leaped at Otis from the ropes, spun around him and used his own leverage to drop and pin his gigantic opponent.

The Score: 4 out of 10

  • The Good: Rey and Otis clashed like a whale on a midget. You got lucha and power crashing into each other like Alabama high school sweethearts at the family reunion after their third baby. Jason: Professor. What are you talking about? Are you sure you feel fine? Me: Jason, I’m fine. Matter of fact, I’ve got to go. Jason: Go? Go where? Me: My family is making fried chicken and bacon maple Mac and Cheese. Gotta go. Meet me here at 8:00am. We’ll run some tests and… Jason: Just…be careful.
  • The Bad: The match lacked the length of time necessary to maximize the size and style contrast between these two fighters. Mumma: Baby! Watchoo talkin’ bout honey? Pubba: Talkin’ ’bout that damn rasslin! Told you not to do them damn reviews through that TalkTech Computer s–t. Gramma: Leave the boy alone, you fatass muthafugga! Pubba: Shut the f–k up ya fatass b–ch! I’mma beatcho ass like it ain’t never been beat before! Gramma: Suck my dick! Grampa: Did the match suck s–t? Me: Not necessarily, but it di… Mumma: Enough ’bout that rasslin. What about the serum you keep talkin’ bout, baby? Pubba: Probably just bull-s–t, like that match you were just yaggin’ on about. Grampa: It was s–t. Gramma: Tits? Pubba: You ain’t got none ya chubby ass saddle bag. Gramma: I’m a smack yo ass around like Ike on Tina! Grampa: So the match kinda lame? Me: It needed more time. Mumma: F–k the damn match baby! I wanna hear about your science experiment. Pubba: Kiss my ass you old bitch! Gramma: I hope you get COVID up yo ass! Me: Will you guys just stop?! I just wanted to have a nice dinner. I just wanted some-thing to be perfect for once! Mumma: Baby, nothin’ and nobody’s perfect.
  • The Verdict: I just wanted to review this mediocre match and eat some damn chicken. I wanted things to be perfect…just once. I wanted this match to be better than it was. I wanted…ughhhhh! What…ughhhhhh! Ughhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! This match was too brief to…ughhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Match #2: Kevin Owens def. Sami Zayn (Countout)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com

In a WrestleMania rematch, Kevin Owens left with a victory over Sami Zayn after The Master Strategist decided to take a walk, but was not satisfied until he dragged Zayn back to the ring for a post-match Stunner.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: Aw. Ugh. Unnnnhhhh. The damn match was not bad for a match with a countout. KO and Zayn have done this so many damn times that it has to be second nature by now. There’s so much wild action flyin’ so fast and…damn bird! Hittin’ me in the hea…ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I’m…I’m fifty feet tall! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
  • The Bad: Oh s–t! I’m huge! Probably the stupid match’s fault. F–kin’ countout finish! Mumma: Baby! You out he…AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! A monster! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Me: Mumma! It’s me God damn it! Mumma: Nathan! Nathan! You huge! I knew I shouldn’t have made the damn garlic bread! I done gave you the indigestion! Me: Mumma it ain’t the damn garlic bread! I drank the perfection formula and it must have simply enhanced the cells ability to grow instead of replicate. Pubba: The f–k y’all talkin’ ’bout out here?! Oh s–t! Popo bought a giant to take our s–t! Gramma: Somebody say we ’bout to get molested? Oh s–t! It Maury Povich! Ain’t nobody no damn baby daddy father! Me: Shut up! The match was too short! Pubba: You ain’t short ya big s–t! Mumma: The f–k we do now?!
  • The Verdict: Me: Well, this match was a nice bout that offered some excellent action, but it got screwed over by the booking. Also…how the f–k do I get down?!

Match #3: The Dirty Dawgs def. The Street Profits – SmackDown Tag Team Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com

Beaming with pride, The Street Profits threw a post-WrestleMania victory party on the blue brand for new SmackDown Women’s Champion Bianca Belair. Nevertheless, after all the pomp and circumstance ended, Montez Ford & Angelo Dawkins failed to recapture the SmackDown Tag Team Titles in a highly contested championship rematch against The Dirty Dawgs.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: There’s plenty of great tag moves to see here. Pubba: I can see your nuts a mile back! Mumma: Jeebus! Jeebus! Stop sayin’ that s–t! Grampa: Storm cloud movin’ in. Gramma: Nathan’s got a whammer now! Goin’ be real popular with them ladies. Me: Oh God. The Dirty Dawgs channeled 80s NWA wrestling here and flew around the ring like butter on water. Mumma: Oh baby. Always thinkin’ ’bout food. Hehehehehehe! Me: Street Profits took a beating here to sell the fight to be champions. It was excellent rock ’em sock ’em action from two teams that are getting better and better together. Pubba: Jesus! Yo feet smell like a ass! Gramma: Smells like you, tinkle dick! Pubba: Who you callin’ tinkle dick, dust snatch?! Gramma: Who you callin’ dust snatch, you two-buck s–t cart?! Me: I know! I’ll go down to the lab and reverse engineer the formula and use that to cancel the transformation! I’ll return to normal size in no time! Mumma: Wait! Come back baby! Pubba: While you gone, pick up some cigs! Mumma: Jeebus! Shut the mouth! We got to go after him! He could get hurt! Pubba: Get hurt? The boy thousand feet tall. Only thing he hurt in the ozone. Gramma: Pop a hole in the ozone. Grampa: Time to f–k! Gramma: That’s my man! That’s my muthafugga! Stick it in me!
  • The Bad: Too short! Too short! The match was too short! I’m so happy I could sing! Bystander: Holy s–t! A f–kin’ giant! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Me: What? Woman: He’ll smush us! AHHHHHHH Me: No I… The match was just really short. That’s all. It was not enough to warrant having this prize fight. Chubby Wubby: Shoot him! Me: No! Don’t shoot him! He doesn’t wanna get shot!
  • The Verdict: Oh s–t! Is that a bazooka? Mr. Ching: Huang chin po nai yu mong chi pai pai magou! (bazooka fires) Me: Ow! Little Boy: I’ve got a grenade launcher! (grenade launcher fired) Me: Oh s–t! Don’t you people wanna hear about how this match was good between the ringing of the bell, yet it lacked the touch of genius that the best matches thrive off of? Old Lady: Pretentious slut! Me: I guess not. Running away! I gotta make it to the lab!

Match #4: Natalya def. Shayna Baszler

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler successfully defended their WWE Women’s Tag Team Titles against Natalya & Tamina at WrestleMania, The Queen of Harts put her team back in the title picture with a victory over The Queen of Spades with a quick pin. When Jax attempted to put her hands on The Queen of Harts after the bell, Tamina delivered a boot the face of The Irresistible Force.

The Score: 3 out of 10

  • The Good: The match was excellent technical wrestling, for the minute it was going on for. The Military: Open fire! Me: How did this happen so quickly? General Lympdyq: We were waging war on the colored folk and we saw a giant and wanted to kill it! Also, cocaine! Me: Oh s–t! Jason: Professor! What the f… Me: Jason! Ready the serum for reverse engineering. Jason: What abou… Me: The match was quite interesting for one so short. Jason: I meant what about these military guys and all these guns?! Me: Oh… (Nathan farts) Me: There. That’ll keep ’em down for a while.
  • The Bad: Admiral Stane: The smell! It’s s–t! Help! Me: Did you know that the match was criminally short? Private: Why has God s–t on us? Jason: Professor! Private: I taste stink! Me: I was so pissed that the match lacked more time. Jason: The serum is ready! Private: God! Kill me! Me: I hope this goes better than the timing of this match, because it got butchered by lacking of time set asi… Jason: Professor! Me: Right.
  • The Verdict: Here we go. The match was a sad display of excellence and abrupt booking. Now, we (serum injected) put this ri… Jason: Professor? Me: I’m fi…ughhhhh!!!!!!! Jason: Professor! Me: I’m…getting bigger! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Match #5: (Main Event) Cesaro def. Jey Uso by Disqualification

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After being humiliated by Roman Reigns earlier in the night, The Swiss Superman was determined to prove that he belongs in a match against the Universal Champion by making a statement against “Main Event” Jey Uso. Before The Swiss Superman could execute the Cesaro Swing on the winner of the 2021 Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, however, Seth Rollins suddenly emerged to take out his adversary, making clear that he is not done with Cesaro by a long shot.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: Now this was a damn good main event. These guys brought the wrestling at such a high velocity that it damn near crashed into a wall at high-speed and took the building it was attached to down. Jason: Professor! Me: I’m fine…except for the fact that I’m twice as large as I was a minute ago! Mumma: Baby! Pubba: Just keep on gettin’ bigger! Probably need to take a s–t. Gramma: You look like s–t. Pubba: Shut up ya old sack a ass! Gramma: I think I might be yo momma. Pubba: What?! Gramma: Yeah. I used to f–k buffalo. Me: You know what? I’m gonna stay like this! Jason: What?! Mumma: Oh baby that’s just the dumbest f–kin’ s–t I ever damn heard of! Get your sweet ass down here! Me: If I’m this tall forever, then people will finally listen to me! I’m a giant! I decide if the matches are good! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Cesaro and Jey had an excellent match! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! They were brisk and swift, like a bear taking a s–t in the woods! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Pubba: He done damn lost fuggen mind! Mumma: Don’t say s–t like that! Pubba: Well he did! That match wasn’t that good!
  • The Bad: Me: It did have some minutes shaved off and the DQ finish…you watched the match? Pubba: Yeah, maybe I did. Grampa: It was good. Pubba: It was good, ’till they done damn had that s–tty ending. Runied it. Gramma: Never did like the Swiss. They cheese taste like ass. Me: Why do you always tell me to not watch wrestling? You watch wrestling, but I can’t? Pubba: I never said watching wrestling is bad. Gramma: Yes you did. Pubba: Shut up you old buzzard! Gramma: This old buzzard fly around your head and peck it ’till it bleed.
  • The Verdict: Me: I’m gonna stay this way forever! Bow mortals! I smash thee with great might! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! This match was a fine way to end the show, even if it lacked certain qualities to make it more becoming! Pubba: It wasn’t that good. Me: Am I not allowed to have my own opinion? Pubba: What about me? Me: What about you? You always get last word on everything! Nobody has an opinion unless you let them! Sorry to tell you this, but you don’t do this for a living. This is my thing! When I’m trying to do my thing, you should just let me. I don’t need you to tell me how to do what I do! Gramma: Told yo fat ass good. Pubba: Son, I…shut up b–ch…you’re right. I need to…respect your job. It ain’t what I do, but it’s worth doin’ right if you gonna. Grampa: That’s right, Dicky. Pubba: My name is Jeebus! Gramma: Yo name is Asshole! Pubba: Why you pucker-faced old hag!

Final Verdict: 5/10

Me: How am I ever…wait. Jason! Get the myofoxycloridine solution. Mix it with the reverse formula and inject that into my Achilles heel. Jason: Okay…ready! (injected in leg) Me: I feel something…(shrinks back to right size) Whoa! I feel normal again! Mumma: Oh baby! I’m so happy! Now you can finish reviewing that wrestling show! Me: Really! Mumma; Yes baby. You gots to tell me what you thought of this show. Me: Well, I thought that the whole thing needed more of a focus on wrestling. Too much was happening with Cesaro, with Roman Reigns insulting him and Seth Rollins attacking him, but his match was only, what, seven or eight minutes? Then, where were Edge and Daniel Bryan? Not only were they not on the show, but they weren’t even mentioned. What a missed opportunity. I felt like this show was tip-toeing around what it coulda been in favor of what was easiest. Mumma: That’s lovely baby. Tell Mumma more. Me: Well, this show was, overall, decent, but it wasn’t perfect. Then again, what ever is? Mumma: I agree baby. Pubba: Yeah. You a good reviewer son. Gramma: Everybody look here now! Jeebus burned down that kids hospital! Pubba: You…you crazy b–ch! Don’t blame me fo that s–t! Gramma: Somebody need to arrest this man! He done damn killed those ugly-ass kids! Pubba: Shut up you old b–ch! Gramma: he comin’ fo me next! AHHHHHH!!!!!! Pubba: Damn right I gon’ git that ass! Me: Well, that’s it for this week. I’ll see you next time.

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