14th Apr2021

WWE Raw – April 12th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week of World Wrestling Entertainment’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and WrestleMania has come and gone. You know what else has come and gone? Nobody. That’s me. I’m Nobody…again. I’m here, because The WWE is promoting my movie that’s been out for two weeks. I beat the s—t out of people on a bus, because they were foreigners. Nobody doesn’t like…people. My kids asked me what I thought of Bobby Lashley keeping the WWE World Title away from Drew McIntyre. I said…ABBA sucks ass. There was something in the air that night/my fist in your eye/Fernando. Now, I review AEW: Dynami…Impact…Ring of Ho…National Wrestling Alli…what-ever this show is called. Go see me in the theaters…now! Here comes…this!

[Author’s Note: The following review features Riddle, who has been accused of rape. Riddle has not been found guilty or innocent in a court of law. If Riddle’s presence alarms or offends you, then viewer discretion is advised].

Match #1: Bobby Lashley def. Riddle

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After a backstage run-in, WWE Champion Bobby Lashley was out to teach The Original Bro following very different WrestleMania outcomes for the two Superstars. Riddle knew he’d have to go big to defeat The All Mighty, but a missed Floating Bro opened the door for a Hurt Lock finale.

The Score: 5 out of 10

  • The Good: This was the longest squash in some time. Riddle got pummeled by Bobby Lashley, who looked like he was doing his Michael Vick impression. Some where in the world, Lassie just jumped down the well with Timmy, because he doesn’t wanna get Vicked. Really, there’s not much to say here. Lashley smashed and Riddle groaned. It looked cool.
  • The Bad: This match was just a big ol’ squash.
  • The Verdict: The match never really went any where, but it did so in explosive fashion.

Match #2: The Viking Raiders def. Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The shocking return of The Viking Raiders shook Raw to its core and bulldozed Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin in the process. Erik & Ivar showed no signs of ring rust, as the gargantuan duo fought off an early assault to team up for a Viking Experience to clinch a statement win.

The Score: 4 out of 10

  • The Good: War Machine, which was their original, non-stupid name, looked very effective as team working against Benjamin and Alexander, who are a team that sounds like they helped write the Constitution of the United States Of America. All men are created equal…except if you’re a chick. Whammy! I bet some prick tried to put that in when they were first writing the Constitution. You know what I’d like to put into this review of the match? …praise for the athleticism of the bout. I will! This match had a very athletic stripe upon its back that looked mighty fine.
  • The Bad: Baseball cards are dumb. This was far too short, like Clint Howard, who has more money than me. God damn it!
  • The Verdict: For a brief tag match that stuffs enough tag action to shake a baby at, you may just like what this middling match has to offer.

Match #3: Rhea Ripley vs. Asuka– Raw Women’s Title Match (No Contest)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In the wake of a landscape-shifting WrestleMania, Charlotte Flair made her triumphant return and put Rhea Ripley and Asuka on notice. The Nightmare walked in ready to back up her Raw Women’s Championship win the night before, but The Empress of Tomorrow seemed to assert herself at the right time. It turns out it was exactly the right time for The Queen to lay waste to both competitors.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: This went a bit and, before the dumb finish, this match was really getting going. These two picked up from where they were at WrestleMania and just knocked the stuffin’ out of each other. The stuffin’! It’s gone! Where did it go? It got knocked out when these two were going shot for shot from bell to bell. Rhea has a lot of fury in that body of hers. The champ can channel a kind of rage that looks very stylish and it works for these prize fights. Asuka brought her superior skills to bear in what proved to be a good night for her, even in defeat, or at least defeat of a certain kind.
  • The Bad: This got abruptly ended by a Charlotte Flair attack to cause a No Contest. S—t.
  • The Verdict: For eleven minutes, these two women fought hard and rough, but they got cut off by Sebastian Bach. Hey Sebastian! Skid Row is over mother-f—ker!

Match #4: The Miz & John Morrison def. Damian Priest – 2-on-1 Handicap Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After an A-List “Miz TV” with special guest Maryse, The Miz & John Morrison once again found themselves in the crosshairs of The Archer of Infamy. With Bad Bunny back on the road, Damian Priest went it alone against Miz & Morrison and controlled portions of the match. As Priest ripped Miz’s pants right off him, a distraction from Maryse allowed her husband to slide in for a sneaky roll-up win.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: For a match where two of the three wrestled in pants, this was quite involved. Priest clobbered MNM while wearing enough purple to purple my nurple. Piss on you! I work for Mel Brooks! Miz took one hell of a beating here and it was immersive. Immersive! I’m a freakin’ genius! Don’t question me…just because it’s a good idea to do so. Priest worked hard to keep the match going at a steady pace. MNM…Miz N’ Morrison. It’s not Mercury, Nitro and Melina any more! I changed it! Let me have this you jerk! Priest kicked ass here, as he really gets how to work the WWE house style. I could see Vince going pretty far with Priest if these are the performances he is going to give.
  • The Bad: It was an stupid booking decision to have a tag team in street clothes fight one guy and almost lose. Also, this just sorta ended.
  • The Verdict: This was worth watching, but it was no classic.

Match #5: Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler def. Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke (Count-Out)

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Despite Mandy Rose’s slide at WrestleMania, The Goddess & Dana Brooke were looking to get off and running against Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler. At the WWE ThunderDome on the campus of the University of South Florida, it was The Irresistible Force who couldn’t find her footing. Following a pair of embarrassing falls, an enraged Jax set her sights on Rose, but Rose and Brooke thought better of tempting fate and walked safely up the ramp, taking a count-out loss.

The Score: 4 out of 10

  • The Good: Mandy and Dana were excellent here, with a bruising sort of grappling style here. Shayna was strong here and Nia didn’t s—t the bed.
  • The Bad: This ended far too early and had the ridiculous “Nia trips again” angle as well as “she tripped, let’s leave” follow-up that just did nobody any favors.
  • The Verdict: Mandy and Dana finally showed some really strong wrestling skills and they may just be able to use this match to curry some favor with the bookers…if pigs fly. Wait…Vince flies in a jet every day. They’ve got a chance!

Match #6: The New Day def. Elias & Jaxson Ryker

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The New Day focused their post-WrestleMania frustrations on the musical troupe of Elias & Jaxson Ryker. Xavier Woods was quickly met with a run of aggression, but a tag to Kofi Kingston turned up The Power of Positivity. Woods jumped in with a double stomp to the heart of Elias and The New Day put themselves back on track.

The Score: 5 out of 10

  • The Good: This was not bad. Ryker was rather spirited here. It felt like everybody wanted to just smash each other. I wonder if Jaxson Ryker has said anything in the past year or so that would anger people? Hmmmmm… There’s a lot of sudden tags and bursts of violence that kinda took me for a ride in a herky-jerk circle.
  • The Bad: My crotch smells like M&Ms. Listen. This match was shut down rather quickly, so we never got a chance to see how far this sucker could go.
  • The Verdict: For a little nugget of mayhem, why don’t you cram down this your food-shunt?

Match #7: (Main Event) Drew McIntyre def. Randy Orton and Braun Strowman – Triple Threat Match For A WWE Title Shot At WrestleMania Backlash

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With MVP giving an All Mighty Championship Address, Drew McIntyre, Randy Orton and Braun Strowman all tried to state their case for a WWE Title opportunity. WWE Official Adam Pearce preferred they do it in the ring. The Strowman Express was stopped in its tracks with steel steps, but The Viper smashed McIntyre through the announce table to up the carnage. Orton appeared ready to seize the moment after an RKO to Strowman, but McIntyre came sliding in with a Claymore to pin The Legend Killer and book another meeting with WWE Champion Bobby Lashley at WrestleMania Backlash. As McIntyre celebrated, MVP entered, and a double chokeslam from T-BAR & MACE to McIntyre left the WWE Universe with plenty of questions.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: This main event moved from spot to spot rather seamlessly. I was happy that three different styles of wrestling blended so nicely, like dog s—t in cat s—t. Drew and Randy picked up where they left off in their ten thousand year feud and Chaz Bono tried to eat them both. I’m glad the moron from Revenge Of The Nerds got to beat Shane McMahon at WrestleMania 37, because he really needed it here. Nerds! What was nice about Harry And The Hendersons here was that he knew when to be a power-house, but also when to give the ball back to Drew and Randy. All of the wrestling was easy to follow and never betrayed good logic.
  • The Bad: Andre The Shaggy Dog (if you have sex with big people you’re gi-sexual) didn’t need another loss so quickly and neither did Randy. Oh…this coulda used a few more minutes.
  • The Verdict: Hey, this wasn’t bad. It was run-of-the-mill entertainment and lovely viewing by and large.

Final Verdict: 5/10

I hate Mickey Rooney. Hey kids! Hold out your stockings! (s—ts in the chimney) GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! As for this show, there were a lot of promos, including a strong one from Charlotte Flair where she turned heel again and blew the surprise attack on Rhea Ripley and Asuka so it didn’t have any intrigue. MVP talked, Bobby talked, Riddle talked…everybody talked. Sheamus, who is the US champion, was not here and neither was AJ Styles and Omos, who are the tag team champions for Raw. Why? Did we really need all these damn promos that sold nothing and established just about the same? T-BAR and MACE attacked MVP to seemingly join The Hurt Business, but they still have those goofy costumes and the same dumb names. When this show was in the ring, it was okay, but so much of this was talking. Vince loves the damn talking so we have no choice. Well, I have no choice, because I review this stuff (and with glee…mostly). If I were you, I would just skip the promos and watch the matches. I’ve always assumed you do that any way. In any case, I had fun here, but not nearly as much as I should have.

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