13th Apr2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Apr 8th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and they’re coming…the CAPS LOCK Corps. CAPS LOCK CORPS: WE ARE ALREADY HERE! WE ARE IN CHARGE OF THIS REVIEW! SUCK IT!

Match #1: Rosemary, Jordynne Grace & Havok def. Tenille Dashwood, Nevaeh & Alisha

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This is a preview of things to come in the #1 Contender Knockouts Weapons match at Hardcore Justice! Jordynne takes control in the early going by hitting Alisha with a thunderous Jackhammer. Jordynne takes out Kaleb with a dive at ringside. Tenille capitalizes with a hanging neckbreaker for two. Rosemary is on fire as she spears Alisha, then locks in the Upside Down to do some serious damage. Former friends Havok and Nevaeh exchange shots on the apron before Nevaeh sends her through a table with a Russian leg sweep! Rosemary hits the Red Wedding on Alisha to score the victory.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: THIS WAS GOOD! WHAT’S HER FACE KICKED DICK-FOR-BRAIN’S ASS! PLUS, THERE WERE OTHER WOMEN IN THIS MATCH! WOMEN! FEMALE EMPOWERMENT! NOT BULL-S—T! WOMEN WRESTLING! IT TURNED OUT WELL. THEY USED WRESTLING MOVES TO WRESTLE. NEVAEH KICKED ASS. JORDYNNE GRACE POWER-HOUSED THE OTHER TEAM LIKE HOLLYWOOD DOES A WOMAN THAT IS OVER THE AGE OF FIFTY. Me: Stop! You evil capitalizers! I won’t let you do this! I have to tell the people how this match was swift yet action-packed. CAPS LOCKERS: SILENCE!
  • The Bad: THIS MATCH HAD ISSUES WITH ESTABLISHING INTRIGUE! MOLASSES HAS MORE INTENSITY THAN THESE FOOLS!
  • The Verdict: BE GONE, PEESQUACKS! YOUR PITIFUL OPENER WAS OF LITTLE CONSEQUENCE TO OUR ORGANIZATION!

Match #2: Matt Cardona vs Jake Something (No Contest)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Jake runs through Cardona with a big running splash in the early going. Cardona counters a vertical suplex attempt into a neckbreaker to start building momentum. Cardona avoids a spear in the corner, then capitalizes with a running boot. Jake connects with a huge sit-down powerbomb for two. Both men spill to the floor when Brian Myers attacks at ringside. Myers drops Carodna onto the unprotected ramp before driving Jake’s eye into the corner of the steel steps! Myers gets on the mic and accepts Cardona’s challenge for Rebellion!

The Score: 5 out of 10

  • The Good: CARDONA AND SOMETHING HIT EACH OTHER MANY TIMES!
  • The Bad: HAVING A BRIEF MATCH END WITH A NO CONTEST WAS A FEEBLE WAY TO END THE BOUT!
  • The Verdict: DAMN THE BRIAN MYERS FOR ATTACKING THE ITALIAN BOY!

Match #3: Sami Callihan & Trey Miguel def. XXXL (Larry D & Acey Romero)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After some slight hesitation, Trey Miguel joins the match not to fight alongside Sami Callihan but to fight against XXXL! Trey is on fire from the opening bell. Trey is about to fly but Callihan tags himself in. The rivals are about to come to blows but instead refocus to take out Acey with double team offense. Callihan and Trey try to outdo one another by hitting in-sync dives to both members of XXXL. Trey forces Larry to submit with the Hourglass submission, picking up the victory for his team.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: THESE FOOLS WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO BE THE KIND OF FOOLS OUR COLLECTIVE ENJOYS. XXXL HAS THE DIABETES. TAKE THE PILL! WE HAVE OUR RESERVATIONS ABOUT SAMI AND TREY AS A TEAM, BUT THEY WORKED HARD TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE.
  • The Bad: THIS WAS NO BATCH OF BACON! WHERE WAS THE CRISP? WE HAD A HARD TIME ENJOYING WATCHING THESE PENGUINS DIE OF OBESITY! SAMI AND TREY ARE A PROUD PRIDE COUPLE…PRIDE OF WRESTLING.
  • The Verdict: Me: Stop saying weird s—t! This match was a fun sprint to the finish line and they crossed in average time. CAPS CORPS: WE AGREE…INFIDEL!

Match #4: Chris Sabin (w/ James Storm) def. Deaner

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Sabin puts his speed advantage on display as Deaner resorts to pulling his hair in order to slow Sabin down. Deaner traps Sabin’s head in the corner turnbuckles, then hits a running dropkick for two. Deaner continues to target the neck of Sabin moments before both men take each other out with clotheslines! Deaner hits a sit-down powerbomb out of the corner for a near fall. Deaner rakes the eyes, then attempts a pin with his feet on the ropes but referee Brandon Tolle catches him in the act! Sabin hits the Cradle Shock to score the victory.

The Score: 5 out of 10

  • The Good: DEANER SOLD WELL FOR THE SABIN. THE SABIN CLOBBERED THE DEANER LIKE THE SLUT HE WAS.
  • The Bad: WHERE WAS THE SNAPPY WRESTLING? THE SABIN DID WELL, BUT THE DEANER WAS THE CRAP.
  • The Verdict: THIS MATCH WAS A SAD SACK OF POTATO JIZZ. Me: Stop that! Both men did fine, but the match just wasn’t up to snuff.

Match #5: (MAIN EVENT) IMPACT World Champion Rich Swann, Willie Mack and Eddie Edwards def. AEW World Champion Kenny Omega & The Good Brothers w/ Don Callis

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

AEW World Champion Kenny Omega competes for the first time on IMPACT! but standing across the ring from him is his Rebellion opponent, IMPACT World Champion Rich Swann! Omega jumpstarts the match by going right after Swann as The Good Brothers brawl with Willie and Eddie on the floor. There’s miscommunication on the part of Omega and The Good Brothers as Omega inadvertently hits them with a slingshot crossbody! Eddie takes Gallows off his feet with a top rope dropkick. Willie quickens the pace with a double standing Moonsault to Omega and Anderson. Swann is on fire as he picks Omega off the top rope! Omega hits Blue Impact on Eddie for a very close near fall. Omega and The Good Brothers go for a triple pin on Eddie but Swann breaks it up with a top rope splash! Swann counters the One-Winged Angel and hits the Phoenix Splash but Callis pulls him off the pin! Moments later, Swann connects with the Phoenix Splash on Anderson to score the victory.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: CAPS CORPS: THIS WAS DECENT AND LIVELY. KENNY KOOKAMUNGA DID WELL AND JEFF ROSS IS CREEPY. Danhausen: This is not a good review! Danhausen has a bag of money! This review does not fill Danhausen’s bag! You want to be famous! This is not a money review! You have failed Capital Corporation! CAPS CORPS: WHO IS THIS SICKLY LITTLE GIRL? Danhausen: I am Danhausen! Love that Danhausen! I have a jar of teeth to shove down your throat! Bite the teeth! Me: He’s my insurance policy! I get to review the matches! I say that this match lacked the technique and drama to be great, but the mechanics were laudable enough.
  • The Bad: CAPS CORPS: YOU FOOL! THIS MATCH WAS WEAK! Me: No! You’re critiques are weak. Danhausen: Justin Bieber is a suitable cuck! Danhausen likes to cuck…for money! Blast my ass and call me to tea, for this match lacked all ingenuity! Me: I concur Danhausen! Danhausen: John Cenahausen is a pussy!
  • The Verdict: Danhausen: Who got that ass? Me: We did buddy. We did. This was a fine little match with all the good fun. Kenny sold for Rich and all the moves went over well. CAPS CORPS: STOP IT! THIS IS OUR PLANTATION, YOU SLAVES! Me: Oh no you didn’t!

Final Verdict: 6/10

Me: Let me tell you something. This was decent at best. CAPS CORPS: YOU FOOLS. WE HAVE ENOUGH OF THIS BEING TALK. Danhausen: Ann Coulter is a vulture bitch! You Caps Corps are vulture bitches! Caps Corps is Ann Coulter! Me: This show was… Danhausen: Danhausen is not on cover of Peopled Magazine. WHAT THE F—K?! WHERE’S DANHAUSEN’S F—K YOU MONEY?! WHERE THE F—K IS DANHAUSEN’S F—KIN’ MONEY?! DANHAUSEN IS THE STAR! DANHAUSEN WILL SHOVE THIS S—T RAG UP YOUR MOTHER-F—KING ASSES! F—K! Me: What the… CAPS CORPS: WE HAVE CONQUERED YOUR WEAPON! HE IS OUR AGENT OF… Danhausen: You capitalized mother-f–kers ruined the review! This was a decent show. Impact had its first night on Thursday again and it was good. You yelled all the time! You kiss Danhausen’s ass! This nice lesbian wanted to review this promotion he foolishly tried to buy six years ago because every Make-A-Wish kid gets their chance no matter how stupid. BTS is gayer than Danhausen and you D.C. d—k-c—ks have outstayed your welcome! (bomb blows up Caps Corps) Love that Danhausen! Me: Well, that still ended better than any business meeting that Corey Haim had when he was a teenager. I had fun with this show, but it needed more wrestling in it.

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