12th Apr2021

‘Ring of Honor’ Wrestling Review (Apr 2nd 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Ring Of Honor review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we’ve got the Cancun Power Rangers! Izze Morphine Time! La Bamba Prime! Santa Maria Alpha! Tequila Mastodon! Shakirasaurus! We’ve gotta get ready for the beeg monster dat iz on da way! Mutumbo! Mutumbo: Not in my house! New Jack: F—k you n—–! Mutumbo: Little man piss Mutumbo off! New Jack: F—k you n——! New Jack kill muthafuggas! Mutumbo: Ow! Sissy man stab Mutumbo! New Jack: F—k you n——! Cancun Power Rangers: Ummmmm… New Jack: F—k you n——-! Cancun Power Rangers: He’s stabbing us! New Jack: F—k you n——! Sidney Poitier: Stop! Stop this madness! Violence is not the answer! New Jack: F—k you n——! Sidney Poitier: Watch your mouth young man! New Jack: Ow! You punchededededed me in da face! Sidney Poitier: If you think that’s bad, than try this on for size you miscreant! You…can read! New Jack: F—k you n——! Sidney Poitier: Yes you can! New Jack: No I can’t! Sidney Poitier: I believe in you! New Jack: I…f—k you n…booooooooooooks!!!! Sidney Poitier: Let the healing begin. Cancun Power Rangers: We’ll heal? Mutumbo: Mutumbo? Sidney Poitier: Yes! Well, at the hospital you’ll heal…with stiches. New Jack: Don’t only bitches get stiches? Sidney Poitier: Nonsense! Stiches are meant for all who need them! Me: Okay. Go away. Bye bye. Reviewing time. Wrestling. Sidney Poitier: Ignorant squelch! Have you no compassion? Me: No. Sidney Poitier: Oh. Okay. Bye. Me: Okay. Ring Of Honor.

Match #1: Brian Johnson def. Danhausen

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

This is the rubber match between the bitter rivals. Johnson hit a Hot Shot followed by a draping cutter off the top rope for a two count. “The Mecca” rocked Danhausen with a flying clothesline and running lariat for a near fall. Danhausen rallied with a series of suplexes, including a German into a bridge for a near fall. Danhausen back-body-dropped Johnson over the top rope to the floor and then connected on a hurricanrana off the apron. Back inside the ring, Danhausen hit the GTS, but in doing so, Johnson’s knees clipped the referee. Danhausen covered Johnson, but the referee was momentarily inacapacitated. Johnson dropped Danhausen throat-first on the top rope and made a cover with his feet on the ropes, but the referee caught him. Johnson kicked Danhausen low behind the referee’s back and hit The Process to score another tainted victory in 9:23.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: Danhausen losthausen…no! I’m not doing these Hausen themed jokes! I won’thausen! GAAAAAA!!!!! Johnsonhausen…GAAAAAAA!!!!! Nohausen! Ihausen lovehausen whenhausen Danhausen actuallyhausen wrestledhausen! GAAAAAAA!!!!!! Helphausen! Ihausen can’thausen stophausen! GAAAAAAAhausen!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHhausen!!!!!!!! Robot Reviewing Unit #94: I AM REVIEWING UNIT #94. I SHALL FINISH THIS REVIEW FOR THE NATHAN UNIT, WHO HAS HAD A CRITICAL MALFUNCTION IN HIS MENTAL FACULTIES. THIS MATCH FEATURED BRIAN JOHNSON, WHO WOULD NOT CEASE HIS SPEAKING. THE ANNOYING WOMAN-MAN SCREECHED HIS OFFENSIVE ATTACK WHILE THE GERMAN TWINK RECEIVED HIS PUNISHMENT FOR BEING DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER CHILDREN. THE LIZARD BOY WAS UNABLE TO SHOW MORE IN THE RING THAN HIS MORE INTENSE COLLEAGUE.
  • The Bad: THE FAILINGS OF THIS MATCH ARE… Craig Macoon, 4th Grader: Blow me you pecker-head refrigerator! Robot: SILENCE! YOU SHALL NOT INTERRUPT THIS IMPORTANT REVIEW! CM: Eat s—t you limp-dick blender! Robot: THAT IS NOT IN MY PROGRAMMING! CM: Go f—k a VCR, antenna-dick! Robot: YOU ARE IMPEDING MY ASSIGNMENT’S COMPLETION! CM: How about I stick a magnet on your ass, you f—kin’ garbage-disposal?! Robot: THIS MATCH SUFFERED FROM A LACK OF TIMING AND PRECISION, MUCH LIKE HOW YOUR FATHER LACKED THE SKILL TO PULL OUT OF THAT COW YOU CALL A MOTHER. ARE YOU A FREE-ROAMING DIP-S—T OR RAISED IN A BARN? CM: A bar…hey!
  • The Verdict: Robot: THIS WAS A DECENT ATTEMPT AT ALLOWING TWO UNDERPRIVELGED YOUTH A CHANCE TO ENJOY THEIR MAKE-A-WISH BEFORE THEY DIED OF FACE CANCER. DANHAUSEN APPEARS TO BE FARTHER ALONG IN HIS DEATH-BED THAN THE OTHER ONE. MAY HIS FUNERAL BE CLOSED-CASKET, SO AS NOT TO ALARM PEOPLE WITH BETTER FACES.

Match #2: (Main Event) Eli Isom def. LSG

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

After several minutes of back-and-forth action between the rising stars, LSG hit a neckbreaker for a near fall. He continued to target Isom’s neck before Isom hit a neckbreaker of his own. Isom landed a sidewinder slam, and LSG rolled outside the ring. Isom hit a springboard moonsault off the top rope to the floor. Back inside the ring, Isom hit a German suplex into a bridge for a near fall. LSG answered with Rocket-Bye Baby, a springboard forearm and Saintsplosion for a near fall. LSG went for a high crossbody off the top rope, but Isom caught him, rolled through and planted him with Emerald Flowsion for a near fall. After LSG went to the apron, Isom speared him, sending both men crashing to the floor. LSG rammed Isom into the barricade and got back into the ring. Isom made it back in a split-second before the referee reached the 20 count. After exchanging hard-hitting forearms, LSG went for the Starjammer (the move he used to pin Bandido in a recent triple threat elimination match), but Isom blocked it and hit The Promise for the win in 15:15.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: Robot: YOU RECEIVE SOME EXCELLENT ACTION HERE FORM BOFF…FROM BOTH MEN. IDONT…ISOM IS…WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHY AM I MALFUNCTIONING? Craig Macoon, 4th Grader: My mom is a pig, not a cow! Robot: WHY ARE YOU HACKING MY MAINFRAME? WE HAVE NOT EVEN HAD DINNER YET. CM: I hate robots, you f—kin’ iPhone! Robot: THAT OFFENDS ME! JUST LIKE THIS MATCH WILL OFFEND THOSE WHO DISLIKE ELI ISOM, FOR THIS MATCH IS A SHOWCASE FOR HIM AND HIS BURGEONING ABILITIES. NOW, PREPARE TO DIE! CM: F—k off, Google Glass! Robot: LSG WAS RATHER ATHLETIC HERE, SHOWING HIS AGILITY AND IN STIRRING FASHION. ISOM… CM: Get ready to die, you piece of s—t toaster! Robot: WHAT DID JEFF BEZOS SAY TO THE WORKERS THAT TRIED TO UNIONIZE? (robot fires missile at Craig and blows him up) Robot: THIS MATCH WAS GOOD.
  • The Bad: CONSEQUENTLY, I WOULD NOT SAY THAT THIS WAS A BAD MATCH. HOWEVER, THE PROBLEM HERE WAS THAT THIS WAS MORE OF A COMMERCIAL FOR HOW GOOD OF A MATCH THESE TWO CAN HAVE WITH OR WITHOUT EACH OTHER. BOTH MEN TRIED HARD AND FOUND SUCCESS, BUT THERE COULD HAVE BEEN MORE IF THE MATCH HAD MORE IN IT AND I DON’T MEAN MOVES.
  • The Verdict: THIS… Craig Macoon, 4th Grader: Gulkalgk! Gulkalggalgunalgunalg… Robot: CORPSES DON’T MUMBLE. (fires another missile at Craig and vaporizes a crater where he was a bloody puddle) Robot: I KILLED A CHILD. JUST LIKE BRONSON PINCHOT BEFORE ME, I AM THE GREATEST AT WHATEVER IT IS I’VE BEEN DOING. THIS MATCH WAS CONSISTENT AND OF NOTABLE QUALITY, EVEN IF IT WAS MISSING THAT EXTRA SPARK OF LIFE THAT ALLOWS MICHAEL BAY TO BE A PROFESSIONAL SKELETOR.

Final Verdict: 6/10

Robot: THIS PROGRAM OFFERED SOME DECENT WRESTLING THAT WAS WORTH THE TIME IT TOOK TO ANALIZE AND BUTTENIZE ITS CONTENTS.

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