01st Apr2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Mar 30th 2021)

by Phil Wheat

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and James Storm has his 1000th Impact match on this card. Little Boy: Hi mister! What’s with the elephant? Liam Neeson: Take the f–king elephant! Me: James Storm and Eric Young have a main event to wrestle. Little Boy: Wow! Elizabeth Taylor! Elizabeth Taylor: (slaps boy) Have a Coke and a smile and shut the f–k up! Me: I sure am excited about the main event. Little Boy: Oh no! Michael Jackson! Ahhhhhhh! Michael Jackson: Oooooo! A little boy! Jamona! Hahehahee! Me: It’s time to review Impact, because all is right in the world. Little Boy: Ahhhhhhhhh! Michael Jackson: Get your tight ass back here! I am the master! Jamona! Me: Impact begins!

Match #1: Fire N’ Flava def. Havok & Neveah

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Havok and Nevaeh are back on the same page and look to get back in the Knockouts Tag Team Title hunt tonight. A win over the reigning Knockouts Tag Team Champions would certainly put them next in line for a shot at the gold. Havok takes control with a backbreaker clothesline combo. Kiera and Tasha take Havok off her feet with a double dropkick into the corner. Havok hits a thunderous sit-down powerbomb on Tasha. Havok attempts the same on Kiera but she counters into a DDT. Kiera connects with a swinging neckbreaker on Havok, followed by a splash from Tasha to score the victory.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: These two teams had a pretty cool opener. Both teams knocked the stuffin’ out of each other. Nevaeh was on fire here…and no one helped her! She died! Poor Nevaeh! Poor…crispy…delicious…Nevaeh. Mmmmmm. Corpse meat. Allllllgggggggghhhhhhh. Anyway, Havok did her Braun Strowman impression a chunk of the time…but no choo-choo sound! Where’s the f–kin’ choo-choo?! I want choo-choo! Fire N Flava, who burned Nevaeh earlier in the match Abdullah The Butcher style, brought the hickory-smoked mayhem we’ve all come to love.
  • The Bad: This was lacking some grappling and it never quite got past just being a bout of basics.
  • The Verdict: Not bad for an opener.

Match #2: Sami Callihan def. Larry D

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Callihan jumpstarts the match with a big boot but it doesn’t phase the big man. Larry drops Callihan back-first on the hardest part of the ring. Callihan begins to fight back but Larry shuts him down with a spinning clothesline, followed by a splash. Callihan finally gains momentum by taking Larry off the second rope with a Death Valley Driver. Callihan spikes Larry with a hanging Piledriver to pick up the win.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: This was solid as oak. I liked this. Larry worked well with Sami, who gave Larry a lot of offense. They kept it on the mat and never took any shortcuts in the action.
  • The Bad: Larry wore neon pants? Eh. They were fabulous. What wasn’t fabulous was this ending before the wrestlers could start revving up the engine on this sucker.
  • The Verdict: Given a bit more time, this could have been a real slobber-knocker, but we at least got a taste of what that match could look like.

Match #3: Brian Myers def. Suicide

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Suicide builds momentum with a running dropkick. Myers hits a sit-out slam for an early two count. Myers plants Suicide face-first into the mat, then follows up with the Roster Cut to score the quick victory.

The Score: 3 out of 10

  • The Good: There were headlocks and leg drops. Boom!
  • The Bad: Zooey Deschanel. Also, this didn’t go very long and it was mostly just rest holds and hard shots.
  • The Verdict: Brian beat Suicide. Congratulations. Now, you can live your life. If you have thoughts of Suicide, please call your local Suicide prevention hotline. Remember; you are loved.

Match #4: Ace Austin & Madman Fulton def. Josh Alexander and TJP

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Last week, Josh Alexander came to the aid of TJP when he was on the receiving end of a 2-on-1 beatdown from Ace Austin and Madman Fulton. Now these two duos collide in tag team action as the X-Division title picture continues to heat up. TJP and Alexander argue with each other over who should be the legal man, despite them having natural tag team chemistry. Ace and Fulton begin to wear TJP down as they cut off the ring and prevent him from making the tag. TJP creates separation with a tornado DDT, allowing him to tag in Alexander. In an incredible display of power, Alexander hits a big vertical suplex on Fulton. Alexander charges into the corner but Fulton uses TJP as a shield, causing the partners to collide. TJP connects with the Mamba Splash on Ace but it leads to an another argument with Alexander over who should make the pin. Moments later, Ace capitalizes off the distraction by rolling up TJP to win.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: Both teams worked hard to keep the fun just a going. Josh and TJP worked well for a…okay. They weren’t much of a team. That being said, TJP and Josh were supposed to be at odds anyhow, so that works. Ace and Fulton did their usual thing and it worked well. There were never any lulls in the action.
  • The Bad: This was just…plain. Plain is fine, but not for wrestling. I didn’t want moves, but I did want wrestling and this match was more of a process of one thing to the next rather than a thorough contest or fight.
  • The Verdict: Not bad at all, but no classic by any stretch of the imagination either.

Match #5: (Main Event) James Storm def. Eric Young

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

James Storm makes history as he becomes the first person to wrestle 1000 matches in IMPACT Wrestling. Young throws Storm into the steel ring post. As Violent By Design begin to circle him, they’re opposed by Sabin, Something and Harris at ringside. Young remains in control when he counters a tornado DDT and hits an aggresive suplex into the corner turnbuckles. Storm begins to build momentum with a string of offense, culminating with his signature running neckbreaker. Storm connects with Eye of the Storm for two. Young drives an elbow into the heart of Storm for a near fall of his own. Tensions boil over at ringside and a brawl breaks out between the two sides. Harris stops Young from using his mask as a weapon. Storm capitalizes with the Last Call superkick to score the victory.

The Score: 7 out of 10

  • The Good: Storm brought his best to his 1000th match and it embiggened this fine bout with Young. Instupidable as it may seem, this match aggresivably accomplished its goals of a fantastimaglorious celebramagnatuidous match for James Storm. How can one man have a 1000 matches in one league? You’ve got to have heart, soul and crotchital impervonisity. Young was bald here. Everybody had crazy eyes and looked like they took a dookie in the cookie jar. Not me! That’s who! This whole match was a melee from bell to bell.
  • The Bad: I was hoping this would have had a bit more grappling, but they went with spots instead.
  • The Verdict: While not the best of either man’s career, this was exciting nonetheless. Congratulations on 1000 matches, James Storm (born Jimothy Storm).

Major News:

  1. A Coming Soon notice was placed for Impact come mid-April.
  2. Kenny Omega and The Good Brothers fight Rich Swann, Willie Mack and Eddie Edwards, next week.
  3. Brian Myers turned down Matt Cardona’s challenge to a match.
  4. The Knockouts fight in a Hardcore Scramble at Hardcore Justice to decide the #1 contender to the Knockouts Title.
  5. Jazz will put her career on the line against Deonna Purrazzo’s Knockouts Title at Hardcore Justice.
  6. Nevaeh turned heel on Havok.
  7. Sami Callihan and Trey Miguel may fight XXXL next week.
  8. Chris Harris returned to end the feud between he and James Storm and their friendship is now restored.

Final Verdict: 6/10

This was a simple show built around the right main event. Simple is usually best in wrestling and this was a simple show. I’d like these shows to get more ambitious with the time slotted to matches, but perhaps we’re getting there. Overall, this was a fun show that gave James Storm a big victory on a big night for him.

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