16th Mar2021

WWE Raw – Mar 15th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have…what the… Batman: Robin is in bed with me. Robin: Where am I? Batman: Good morning, Dick. Robin: Ed Sullivan! Help! Ed Sullivan: We’ve got a rally big shoo! Robin: Help me, you dip-s—t! Ed Sullivan: Sha me the munnay! Robin: AHHHHHH!!!!!! Batman: It goes in your butt! Me: Oh no you don’t! I’ll save you Robin! Here comes Chevy! Chevy Chase: Welcome to The Chevy Chase Show! Batman: AHHHHHHH!!!!!! (head explodes) Ed Sullivan: Wunna fugg wid da man, huh?! Chevy Chase: S—ter’s full! Me: (shoots both men) I’ll have what she’s having! Robin: Thank you, young lady. Me: What?! (shoots Robin) F—k you! I had the surgery! Raw starts… (awakes from a dream) Whoa! Freaky! Robin: What’s up, sexy? Me: (stares at Robin’s crotch) Good morning, Dick. Raw starts…meow.

Match #1: Drew McIntyre def. The Miz

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After the stage was set for Drew McIntyre to challenge Bobby Lashley at WrestleMania, mayhem broke out as The Miz and Sheamus also entered the fray. McIntyre gladly welcomed a challenge from The Miz and ended a beatdown of The A-Lister with a Hurt Lock submission to clinch the win and send a message to The All Mighty. The King of Claymore Country’s unfinished business tour is officially on.

The Score: 1 out of 10

  • The Good: Drew won. The Miz didn’t s—t himself.
  • The Bad: This was pretty much a squash…a long squash.
  • The Verdict: Nutri Grain bars taste good and this match did not taste good. Tomato gun! Pleh!

Match #2: Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke def. Lana and Naomi

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax on commentary, the teams of Dana Brooke & Mandy Rose and Naomi & Lana looked make a statement. Asuka’s reemergence to attack Baszler was perhaps the biggest statement, as the Raw Women’s Champion reasserted herself. As the match continued, Brooke hit a spinning neckbreaker on Lana to earn the pin.

The Score: 1 out of 10

  • The Good: They didn’t forget to move around.
  • The Bad: The match.
  • The Verdict: These poor ladies got stuck wrestling in a match that was interrupted by Asuka and the terrible Nia Jax commentary that sounded like people giving the Star Wars sequel trilogy more credit than the original trilogy. The Last Jedi is not better than Star Wars! It’s not called A New Hope! It’s Star Wars damn it!

Match #3: The New Day def. The Hurt Business – Raw Tag Team Titles Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The Power of Positivity met The Hurt Business’ hostile takeover in a hotly contested Raw Tag Team Title Match. The New Day earned an impressive 11th title reign, as Xavier Woods teed up Kofi Kingston for a skyscraping Stomp on Shelton Benjamin to secure the title win. AJ Styles & Omos crashed the celebration with a shocking WrestleMania challenge.

The Score: 8 out of 10

  • The Good: Now this was some great tag wrestling. Both teams went full-tilt boogie on this mammajamma. The action was loud as thunder and fast as lightning. There wasn’t second in the match where it went wrong or got out of sorts. Technique was the name of the game here and these guys played that game as competitively as you could. The action increased in speed as the match progressed and so did the intensity. Every-thing about this just kept getting better until the suspense boiled over in the climactic finish.
  • The Bad: Nothing was bad here.
  • The Verdict: What a great prize fight.

Match #4: Damien Priest def. Jaxson Ryker

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After Bad Bunny graciously gifted R-Truth back the 24/7 Title, Damian Priest put on his own display with a Hit The Lights on Jaxson Ryker to get the win. Elias targeted The Archer of Infamy with his frustrations, but the Grammy Award winner fought back with a haymaker until The Miz entered with a crushing guitar blow.

The Score: 0 out of 10

  • The Good: Priest won.
  • The Bad: It was a squash.
  • The Verdict: What was the deal with that cellophane “S” from Superman 2?

Match #5: Asuka def. Shayna Baszler

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

It was all about payback for Asuka after Shayna Baszler’s jaw-shattering kick to The Empress of Tomorrow weeks ago. After evading a Kirifuda Clutch, Asuka rolled up The Queen of Spades for a win, but the Raw Women’s Champion dug into a new level of brutality after the bell. Asuka crushed Baszler’s face into the exposed turnbuckle seeking “tooth for a tooth” justice.

The Score: 1 out of 10

  • The Good: Asuka was mean. Shayna was mean.
  • The Bad: The match was short and interrupted by Nia the whole time.
  • The Verdict: Bread is a great band and this match sucked.

Match #6: Riddle def. Mustafa Ali – WWE United States Title Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Mustafa Ali aimed to lead by example in a United States Championship showdown, but Riddle evaded the RETRIBUTION troops en route to his first successful title defense. The leader of RETRIBUTION rallied at times, but a Bro Derek from The Original Bro set up the pin.

The Score: 6 out of 10

  • The Good: This sudden burst of energy resulted in a match that really packed a wallop.
  • The Bad: The problem here was that the match was practically over before it started. Ali was working hard to be taken seriously, but it all came to an end before he could capitalize on all of his hard work.
  • The Verdict: It’s a shame that this didn’t go for longer, because the chemistry was there for it to be a classic, but time was not on this bout’s side.

Match #7: (Main Event) Bobby Lashley def. Sheamus

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

WWE Champion Bobby Lashley and Sheamus met in a red brand clash of titans, as their common enemy Drew McIntyre was at ringside. The Celtic Warrior nearly shocked the champion with a White Noise finale, but The All Mighty exploded back to meet an oncoming Brogue Kick with a bone-crushing Spear.

The Score: 8 out of 10

  • The Good: Bobby and Sheamus knocked the cream cheese out of each other’s jalapeno poppers. This was a big, sweaty, visceral melee that packed the wallop of a lifetime. I enjoyed seeing these guys fight like it was one of those Straight To Gay For Pay videos that I’ve never watched while I touch myself.
  • The Bad: Nothing was bad here. Why does any-thing have to be bad here?
  • The Verdict: This was a crispy chicken sandwich dipped in buttermilk ranch and broiled over in honey butter and served with those steak fries that actually crisp-up all the way.

Major News:

  1. Bobby Lashley fights Drew McIntyre for the WWE World Title at WrestleMania.
  2. The New Day defends the Raw Tag Team Titles against AJ Styles and Omos at WrestleMania.
  3. Braun Strowman fights Shane McMahon at FastLane after Shane attacked and slimed Braun like it was the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.
  4. Drew McIntyre fights Sheamus at FastLane.
  5. Asuka returned and is looking for violent revenge against Shayna Baszler.

Final Verdict: 5/10

There were a lot of bad matches here, but there were two great ones and one that was almost great, so a 5 feels fine to me.

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