01st Mar2021

Friday Night Smackdown – Feb 26th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Friday Night Smackdown review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and this is the story of the Offe brothers: Jerq Offe, Jack Offe, Wack Offe and Phuck Offe. In the age of hard iron and cold steel, the Offes were the fiercest warriors of Assecks. Anal about justice, these were men to the tush and knights on the hole. They were the champions of truth, valor and honor, leaving evil-doers to rot in the rear. Now, their finest hour shall be regaled. Behold, the greatest adventure of the legendary Offe clan. This is…BALLS DEEP! Oh, Smackdown starts now.

Match #1: Otis & Chad Gable def. Rey Mysterio & Dominik Mysterio

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After getting disqualified and hitting an earth-shattering splash on Rey Mysterio last week, Otis and Chad Gable once again faced The Master of the 619 and his son Dominik Mysterio in a match of retribution. Despite Rey and Dominik hitting a double 619 on Gable, an ultra-aggressive Otis saved the pin at the last second and took complete control. Catching Rey in mid-air, the mammoth Superstar drove him into the canvas and once again hit the Splash off the second rope on The Master of the 619 for the victory.

The Score: 5 out of 10

The Good:

  • Rey and Dominik were a really good team. Dominik has made tremendous strides in such a short time. Otis is doing well as a merciless bruiser. Chad was able to show how proficient he is at getting a lot in a little bit of time.

The Bad:

  • This was way too short…like the rope with which the sinister Kandrokar The Scourge had hung the people of Assecks from for ages. It was in this moment that brothers Offe set upon themselves the noble quest to rid Assecks of this vile villain’s tyranny for all time. Unfortunately, this happened: Jerq Offe: Phuck Offe! Jack Offe: Who are you telling to f—k off?! Jerq: Not you, Jack Offe! Phuck Offe! Wack Offe: You f—k off! Phuck Offe: Who the f—k keeps calling for me?! Jerq: Me, Phuck Offe! Jack: Stop f—king yelling at me! Jerq: I’m not talking to you, Jack Offe! Wack: Who are you calling a jack-off, jerk-off?! Jerq: I wasn’t talking to any of you! Phuck Offe! Jack: You son of a bitch! I’ll kill you! Phuck: Stop saying my name! (killed each other)

The Verdict:

  • This was a decent opener…and the Offes were dead.

Match #2: Apollo Crews def. Shinsuke Nakamura

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

One week after a brutal steel step assault on Intercontinental Champion Big E, Apollo Crews emerged wearing new colors of wealth, dominance and power and explained that he was now bringing the “real” Apollo Crews. Channeling his powerful Nigerian routes, he explained that he showed Big E the steel after he defied him and that he would show Shinsuke Nakamura and anyone else the same. The King of Strong Style was out for retribution on Crews for costing him an Intercontinental Title opportunity last week. Nevertheless, Crews attacked his opponent before the bell. After a hard-fought matchup, The Artist locked in the sleeper hold. In response, Crews grabbed his scarf in the corner and pulled back on it, giving him just enough leverage to hurl his opponent forward into the turnbuckle. He then drove Nakamura into the canvas for the strong victory.

The Score: 6 out of 10

The Good:

  • Shinsuke and Apollo worked hard to make the most of this match. Shinsuke was firing on all cylinders in a way that is not quite as impressive as his best New Japan bouts, yet just as encouraging. Apollo was in his element as the arrogant heel. The Offes were dead. Holy s—t! They’re dead?! I was gonna tell this long story and now they’re dead! What the hell am I gonna do?! (jumps out window) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (hits pavement) “Smart” Mark D. Mark: Nathan finished what his mother started…the abortion finally took. Allah bless his mother’s worthless bone-dust ass. Greetings you pathetic miscreants! “Smart” Mark D. Mark here to finish this lousy review in short order so you can get back to insulting other people for living in their parent’s basement while every-one you’ve ever known counts the days until you die a horrible, painful death you useless f—k.

The Bad:

  • The fact that Shunsuke is being used as fodder for Terry Crews is just sad. Are we not capable of getting Apollo over without more of Vince’s patented 50/50 bull-s—t? The match was also stunted by being as short as Tom Cruise’s fuse..!

The Verdict:

  • If you can handle a potentially great bout being a bucket of tasty hot s—t, then you can find joy in this in ways that you’ll never find love you pitiful b—ch.

Match #3: Tamina def. Liv Morgan

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The Riott Squad’s Liv Morgan took on the imposing Tamina. Despite Liv hitting her mighty opposition with everything she had, the newly-motivated Tamina hit a devastating Samoan Drop on her prey before driving her into the canvas for the dominant win.

The Score: 1 out of 10

The Good:

  • Liv didn’t have to have sex with the hairy whale.

The Bad:

  • The match happened. Tamina is better than Nia “The B—ch” Jax, but worse than most of the people to have ever been born.

The Verdict:

  • This slow, short bout had some power in it, but it never had a chance. Never disagree with “Smart” Mark D. Mark, you puny f—ks!

Match #4: The Street Profits def. King Corbin & Sami Zayn

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The unlikely duo of Sami Zayn and King Corbin battled former SmackDown Tag Team Champions The Street Profits as Angelo Dawkins & Montez Ford looked to get back in the title picture. Corbin began to scream at Zayn’s documentary crew for continuously getting in the way. As he was distracted, Ford suddenly dove over Sami and onto Corbin at ringside. With the distraction, Dawkins laid out The Master Strategist with the neckbreaker and paved the way for Ford to leap from the heavens and onto Zayn for the three-count.

The Score: 3 out of 10

The Good:

  • Corbin looked like Helen Hunt on steroids. Zayn gave “pudgy b—ch” the respect it deserved. The Street Profits weren’t allowed to speak.

The Bad:

  • Zayn lost to the Coconut Bunch. Why? The geeks from Black Walmart greeted us to little in the way of sound wrestling. I know that you fools think that tag wrestling is just moves and spots, but you are supposed to actually wrestle at some point.

The Verdict:

  • El Generico…oh no! I mentioned El Generico! Are we not allowed to do that, you scrawny pricks? They’re two different people…and they both suck s—t. Oh, the match was a waste of time. Corbin should get left at the pound and put down like the mangy b—ch that he is for being so lousy in this match. Owen Hart died and I laughed my ass off, just like I did when this match even tried to be good. Burn this s—t and never do it again. “Smart” Mark D. Mark is always right you putz!

Match #5: (Main Event) Daniel Bryan vs. Jey Uso ended in a double count-out

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

In the SmackDown main event, Daniel Bryan looked to overcome “Main Event” Jey Uso in order to secure a Universal Championship Match against Roman Reigns at WWE Fastlane. Early in the contest, Uso used both the announce table and the ring post to cause further damage to The Leader of the “Yes!” Movement’s injured knee. Nevertheless, the ultra-resilient Bryan fought through the pain with iron will to help create an incredible matchup between the dynamic Superstars. The fight moved back to the ringside area, and as Uso continued to punish Bryan’s leg on the steel ring steps, the referee counted out both Superstars. Realizing the double count-out left him without a Fastlane matchup, Bryan locked Uso in a post-match “Yes!” lock. As he did, Reigns attacked. Although Bryan turned the tables and put The Head of the Table in the “Yes!” Lock, a kick from Uso paved the way for The Big Dog to hit his adversary with a Spear and the Guillotine.

The Score: 7 out of 10

The Good:

  • Like my master Ole Anderson once said: “F—k you!” I think of that with this match, which was going oh so well, until the finish came. Fortunately, Bryan and Jey had another slobber-knocker of a fight that almost made-up for how lame they both are. What’s that? Bryan had a mental break-down because he couldn’t wrestle any-more? What a loser! The only sad part about that is that he didn’t off himself like… (ghosts appear) Jack Offe: Offe? Hey fat-ass! Are you callin’ us? Jerq Offe: What’s with the cream puff? Phuck Offe! Wack Offe: You f—k off! Jerq: I’m not talking to you! Phuck Offe! Wack: You f—k off! Phuck: I’m Phuck Offe! Now f—k off! Wack, Jack and Jerq: Phuck Offe! Phuck: You f—k off! I’m Phuck Offe! Mark D. Mark: All of you f—k off! Phuck: Hey lard-ass! F—k off jerk-off! Jack: What about me? Wack: What about me? We’re both here too damn it! Phuck: I wasn’t talking about you, jerk-off! Jerq: That’s my name, jack-off! Jack: I’m Jack! F—k! Jerq: I’m Jerq you f—k! Phuck: I’m Phuck you jerk! Jerq: Yes, that’s right. Wack: Why is no one talking to me?! Mark: Will you pebble-s—t mother-f—kers f—k-off?! I’m trying to… Phuck: I’m Phuck Offe! Jerq: Hey, I watched this match. This was pretty good. Kinda went for a good length of time and had lots of gripping action. Wack: Let me talk! Every-body talk to me! Mark: I decide who reviews the matches! I am the master of wrestling! Jack: Shut up, jerk-off! Jerq: Why did you say that to me? What the f—k did I do? F—k off! Mark: God Damn It!

The Bad:

  • The finish sucked, but it continues the angle of Bryan and Jey, so… Wack: Hey, who’s that? (woman’s ghost appears) Nathan’s Mom: Where’s the fat f—k that keeps saying s—t about me? Mark: What the f—k?! Mom: I once told Willie Nelson to f—k off for trying to write on my boots! I told Waylon Jennings to f—k off for being a pervert coke-head that tried to get in my pants! I told Gene Simmons to f—k off when he tried to tongue f—k me at the Indy 500! I made Ernest happen! You think I give a s—t what your fat-ass says? Mark: Listen lady… Mom: …and stop making jokes about me being dead! You’ve never even seen a woman before, except for when you throw the b—ch in the trunk of your car! Wack: Yeah! F—k off! Phuck Offe: What?! Mark: I say this match had issues with losing steam, thanks to the double-countout… Mom: F—k off! Phuck: What?! Mom: I wasn’t talking to you, ass-hole! Mark: I’m important! My opinions matter! Mom: Eat s—t! Nathan: Mom?

The Verdict:

  • Mark: This match… Nathan: This match was pretty good. Mark: I’m talking you worthless freak! Mom: You fat b—ch! Mark: F—k off! Mom: That’s it! Lard-ass is getting a big-ass ghostly ass-whoopin’! Mark: Bring it bi… (Nathan punches Mark) Nathan: I mean, I didn’t like the finish either, but it did have a purpose at least. Oh! Hi Mom! Mom: I’m glad you don’t always get dessert when you go out to eat.

Major News:

  1. Bianca Belair chose Sasha Banks for WrestleMania.
  2. Edge and Daniel Bryan is being teased as the Universal Title match for WrestleMania.
  3. Daniel Bryan will fight Jey Uso in the Steel Cage for a Fastlane title shot, next week, with Bryan having to declare Roman Reigns as his Tribal Chief if he loses to Jey.
  4. Apollo Crews has turned heel and is now calling himself a Nigerian Prince.

Final Verdict: 5 /10

Nathan: This was a good show, but not a great one, due to lamer wrestling than usual and the main event having an angle for a finish. Mom: Why are there these stupid ghosts here? Phuck: Phuck Offe! Mom: You f—k off! Phuck: Yes! That’s right! Nathan: I miss you. Mom: I miss you too. Tell your dad I love him and he can go f—k himself. Nathan: I’m only telling him the second part. Mom: I’ll talk to you later. Nathan: …and I’ll talk to you later. Thank you for reading this review. I’ll see you next time.

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