18th Feb2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Feb 16th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and Neil Diamond has a mushy tushy. Have you ever screwed a snow-man? Have you ever banged a reindeer? Have you ever boinked a bagel? Have you ever…GAAAAAAKKKKKKK!!!!! Ivan Drago: You dumb. Me: GAAAAAKKKKKKKK!!!!!! Ivan Drago: Dumb dumb talk talk too too much much. I break you. Me: GAAAAKKKKK!!!!! If you kill…ki…GAAAAAKKKKK!!!!!…kill me, then you will never learn the secret to immortality! Ivan Drago: I Russian. You tell me…or I break you. Me: Come closer. The secret to immorality is…IN THE NAVY! The Village People: In The Navy! You can dress like a skank! In The Navy! You can have a good yank! In The Navy! You’ll thrust a man on your plank! In The Navy! In The Navy! Ivan Drago: In The Navy! I wear my mother’s dress! In The Navy! I can swallow a man’s crotchital stress! In The Navy! Checked out in the Train-Railed Express for ten items or less! In The Navy! In The Navy! Me: We have our first match courtesy of Before The Impact, which is Impact’s new lead-in to Impact. I think it should be called Impact: Countdown, complete with a timer counting down for the hour to sell this as a complete wrestling show that still leads into the primary impact broadcast, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s start Impact! The Village People: The Navy covers that too!

BEFORE THE IMPACT

Match #1: (Main Event) Decay def. XXXL

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Decay continued their rivalry with XXXL as Black Taurus and Crazzy Steve went toe-to-toe with Larry D and Acey Romero in an exclusive matchup. After a slight distraction from the demonic Rosemary, Crazzy Steve connected with his signature DDT on Larry D to score the victory for his team.

The Score: 5 out of 10

The Good:

  • You get lots of wrestling here that kept a steady pace and really delivered an even bout. XXXL looked formidable, even in loss. Acey looks like he could eat a house and may have, ‘cuz he’s a huge b—ch! Seriously, he kinda turns me on. Daaaaaaamn! Larry D has quickly become one of the most reliable people on the roster. Larry wrestles like a stocky Perry Saturn or a wide-load Kevin Sullivan. Carole King called and wants her t—s back. Daaaaaaamn! Taurus and Steve make for a wild team that I had a hard time not paying attention to…but I still did any-way. Daaaaaaamn! The contrast in styles worked well and never really faltered.

The Bad:

  • As grudge matches go, this was fairly tame. This didn’t usually reach the fever pitch that many matches reach when they are for blood. XXXL losing was not the best call, but they can take it. Hey, they survived Wrestle House. Larry King’s first job was un-clogging people’s drains with his teeth and this match un-clogged my love for it when it kinda sucked from time to time.

The Verdict:

  • This match was alright, but it needed more time and some chewing gum.

IMPACT

Match #1: TJP def Josh Alexander – X-Division Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Josh Alexander earned this X-Division Title opportunity by winning the first ever Triple Threat Revolver this past Saturday at No Surrender. It’s a stalemate in the early going as both men match each other’s pace. Alexander catches TJP in mid-air with a backbreaker. TJP locks in a submission but Alexander slingshots him into the turnbuckle to break it up! TJP hits a springboard dropkick to the outside. Back in the ring, he follows up with a crossbody attempt but Alexander rolls through. TJP drops Alexander on his head with a tornado DDT for two. Alexander hits his signature low crossbody. Alexander locks in the ankle lock but TJP finally breaks free. TJP connects with the Detonation Kick, followed by the Mamba Splash to put Alexander away.

The Score: 9 out of 10

The Good:

  • Now this is an opener. Wow! From the start, this was a sound wrestling contest that offered nothing but the best and in great supply. You get smart, snug grapples for the first few minutes to really give you a chance to size-up the match and allow you to create some expectations of your own for the outcome. Both fighters looked like they had a grasp on the other from the ring of the first bell. I love it when a match feels like a contest. There was no grudge here, so why should it look like a fight? It should look like a contest of skill. This bout was an occasion where we had escalation when it came to the moves being performed. Josh is no X-Division performer, but he managed to rise to the occasion and implement riskier moves akin to said division when it was time to do so. Better yet, this was not a spot-fest. What you get from this match is as sound a wrestling match that there’s been in several years and then some. The finale of the match was a blaze of guts and glory burning on the battlefield of a war whose final shot was so suspenseful that you could cut the tension with a breath, let alone a knife. Both wrestlers came out of this better than they went in and still left enough meat on the bone to come back for another meal.

The Bad:

  • This needed a little more time on the end, as it felt like it ended just as this was ready to have an even more impactful ending. The lack of post-match interview for both guys was a huge missed opportunity, as a match like this needs that extra little moment with the competitors to help the match sink in and not be forgotten by the card’s end. This match should have been re-positioned as the star of the show after it happened and been the fuel for the evening. When you get a hit, you try to run the bases. It gives the team that extra boost for when it’s their turn at bat. I hear people talk all the time about not stealing the thunder of the main event, so a match like this should not be given ample promotion within the show to avoid taking focus off of said main event. If the main event comes after a great match and the people involved look at another match encroaching on their success just because the aforementioned bout was great in its own right, then those are the wrong people for the main event. All of that was to say that this was such a great match that not mentioning this beyond its own time on the show was a missed chance to set-up an atmosphere for the roster and the viewers that this is gonna be one hell of a show, instead just business as usual.

The Verdict:

  • There was far too much here to like. These guys need to wrestle again…and again…and again. This is one of the matches that Impact needs to nurture this year. If you want people to look at Impact as having the match of the year, this match has the potential to do just that.

Match #2: Trey Miguel def Willie Mack, Daivari & Suicide – Four Way Fight

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Willie takes out Trey and Suicide with a big double clothesline. Suicide is about to fly but Daivari sends him crashing to the mat. Willie hits Daivari with a sitout powerbomb. Willie hits a double standing Moonsault to Suicide and Trey! Suicide gets blindsided by a Meteora from Trey for the finish.

The Score: 6 out of 10

The Good:

  • The moves were performed exceptionally well. Trey worked hard to be the star since he was winning. Willie pisses excellence. Pisses! It smells like asparagus! MMMMMM!!!!!! Hama sake piss piss smell smell! OOOOOOO!!!!!! Daivari continues his streak of solid work and Suicide is not a good idea. Hey Stoopid! Are listening? Don’t kill yourself! The 1970s called and said it ate some cat-puke. This was fun and exciting.

The Bad:

  • This was a spot-fest, even if it was very fluid and quick. The length here made the whole bout feel truncated. I wanted this to go longer and had room to maneuver, but that was not a luxury afforded to this bout on this occasion.

The Verdict:

  • While not a compelling wrestling bout, this was fabulous entertainment of the empty calorie variety.

Match #3: Matt Cardona def Hernandez w/ Brian Myers

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Matt Cardona looks to even the score after he and Eddie Edwards came up short against Hernandez and Brian Myers at No Surrender. Cardona is in control early as he flips over the top rope and collides with Hernandez on the floor. Myers distracts the referee, allowing Hernandez to counter Radio Silence with a low blow. Moments later, Cardona avoids the Border Toss and successfully connects with Radio Silence to win!

The Score: 5 out of 10

The Good:

  • Matt carried Hernandez through the rough patches and made the bout into a vibrant gut-check. Matt has a nice all-around appeal to the way he wrestles. Matt isn’t the best at anything, but he is accomplished at everything, so his wrestling feels very professional and enjoyable. Hernandez still has that attitude working for him. The announcers even mentioned Hernandez’s age as being a way to compensate for him being clumsier in the ring than a decade ago.

The Bad:

  • Hernandez still has trouble hitting all the spots he used to hit with ease. That’s par for the course of a man his size getting older after years of doing high-impact moves, but it’s still worth mentioning nonetheless. The time was too short for these two.

The Verdict:

  • This was a match of less being made into more by a fighter being in their prime and the perseverance of both competitors to make the match work.

Match #4: FinJuice (David Finlay & Juice Robinson) def Reno Scum (Adam Thornstowe & Luster The Legend)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

After the huge announcement as No Surrender went off the air, New Japan Pro Wrestling’s David Finlay and Juice Robinson are set for action here on IMPACT! FinJuice hit a double running bulldog to Luster. Moments later, Luster turns the tide with a massive spinebuster on Finlay. Reno Scum begins to wear Finlay down. Finlay kicks Thornstowe into his own partner to create separation and make the tag. The pace quickens as Juice goes on the attack. Juice hits Thornstowe with a cannonball in the corner for two. FinJuice pay homage to great tag teams of the past as they hit a Superplex splash combo to win!

The Score: 6 out of 10

The Good:

  • For a three minute match, this was incredible. Everybody looked immaculate and the match actually felt like a true tag bout, complete with ample tags and double-teams galore.

The Bad:

  • This was three minutes.

The Verdict:

  • If you’re gonna debut a team like FinJuice, I’d think you wanna give them some more time. Still, this short match felt succinct, because the two teams worked hard and made the most of their time together.

Match #5: Tenille Dashwood w/ Kaleb With a K def Nevaeh

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Nevaeh drives Tenille into the ring post, sending her all the way to the floor! Kaleb gets involved as he usually does, allowing to Tenille to gain control. Tenille continues the beatdown with a flurry of kicks in the corner. Nevaeh hits a sidewalk slam to start building momentum. Tenille connects with Taste of Tenille, followed by the Spotlight Kick to score the victory.

The Score: 5 out of 10

The Good:

  • Both these fighters worked hard to make their match look good. No short-cuts were taken and the whole thing was very thoughtful. Don’t I just sound like a Mormon mom? Joseph Smith was thoughtful dear. Mr. Smith made the gays go away. Now, we’re free to pretend that Little Richard didn’t used to shove a smoked pole in that hole in his throat he got from that car accident. The match was brief yet satisfying in a “Law And Order: SVU” sort of way.

The Bad:

  • Not enough time. Broken record. Great Spirit says…Wanna Halk A Loogie?

The Verdict:

  • If given more time, this match could’ve been a classic…or better at least. Bring It On turns me on. Second place!

Match #6: (Main Event) Moose def Tommy Dreamer – Old School Rules Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

A vengeful Tommy Dreamer battles Moose in his signature match type. Old School Rules means there are no disqualifications, no countouts and anything goes! Moose rakes the eyes of Dreamer at ringside. Moose drops Dreamer onto the steel guardrail. Back in the ring, Moose connects with a strong Irish whip into a garbage can. Dreamer fights free and connects with a cutter but Moose astonishingly kicks out at one! Dreamer hits Moose repeatedly with a steel chair. Moose drives the back of Dreamer’s head into the chair with an STO. Moose sets up a table in the corner but it backfires as Dreamer spears him straight through! Dreamer cracks Moose with repeated kendo stick shots but it’s not enough to keep the big man down. Moose comes back with a Uranagi, followed by the No Jackhammer Needed Spear to win.

The Score: 7 out of 10

The Good:

  • These guys walloped each other good. BAM! They pounded the f— out of each other! BAM! They smacked the s— out of each other’s asses like it was Christmas at Miley Cyrus’s house! BAM! Right Bam-Bam? Bam-Bam: BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Wanna take it from here Emeril? Emeril: BAM! Me: Cooter-Scooter! This was a gooden summunabich! Moose stomped on the guy and made his-him na-boobs fly up and down his pasty white ass like Maitland Ward while she’s shootin’ a hoo-hah movie at the Boy Meets World reunion whether they like it or not! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! I liked watching these two get more aggressive as time went on…like me when my b—ch of an ex-wife brings in that black guy and his gimoungus throat-gagger to my house to cuckold me until I let them DP my a—like a politician on a Tuesday! YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

The Bad:

  • There was no wrestling here. It was just plunder, albeit good plunder with suspense.

The Verdict:

  • If you can handle a match with no wrestling in it, then you can take this match, very easily.

Major News:

  1. Jordynne Grace and Jazz fight Kimber Lee and Susan for a Knockout’s Tag Title shot, next week.
  2. Matt Cardona was saved by Eddie Edwards from an attack by Brian Myers, the latter of whom Matt had tried to talk to about why he hates him now.

Final Score: 7/10

This was a show that had some dumb comedy in it, but when it didn’t this show was just as solid a wrestling show as I’ve seen in many months. We moved from one match to another without a lot of filler and each match, even when short-changed on time, still felt like it offered some-thing worth remembering, by and large. I felt like I was watching a wrestling show again. Impact doesn’t always feel like a wrestling show these days, so getting back to that sort of atmosphere was welcome on many levels. Okay, I had fun. I’ll see you next time.

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