27th Jan2021

WWE Raw – Jan 25th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and…oh s—…a twister! Gotta make sure this TalkTech powered computer is secured before…AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Where…what the f… Munchkin: We welcome you to Munchkinland! Me: (punches munchkin) Little asshole! Dorothy: Oh my goodness, Toto! We must have been sucked-up in that tornado to a faraway place. Me: Shut up, d*ckhead! Tell Toto that their songs suck ass! Also, who are you, you little skank?! Dorothy: I’m Dorothy Gale and this is my dog, Toto. Who are you? Me: F— you, that’s who! Dorothy: Look Toto! There’s a dead woman under our house! Me: Good! Munchkin King: Welcome to our fair city! Me: (punches munchkin) Little bastard! (red cloud explodes on golden path) Wicked Witch: HEEHEEHEEHEE!!!! Where are my ruby slippers?! Dorothy: Oh no Toto! A witch! Me: Shut up, ass-brain! Can’t you see that Margaret Thatcher is here? Such a hot old bitch. Wicked Witch: My sister! Dead under a house! Who did this?! Dorothy: It wasn’t me! Me: Shut up, d*ck-for-brains! A man is talking! Wicked Witch: I’ll get you my pretty and you’re little dog too! Dorothy: Oh no! Wicked Witch: Oh yes! Kool-Aid Guy: Oh yeah! (Wicked Witch makes Kool-Aid guy explode) Wicked Witch: Hawaiian Punch, mother-f—–! Glinda, The Good Witch: Leave them be! Wicked Witch: Curses! Me: F—! S—! C—! N—–! Tom Cruise! Wicked Witch: I’ll get those ruby slippers yet! You can’t protect them forever, Glinda! HEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!! Dorothy: Oh my! Me: You gonna eat that dog? Glinda: You must travel to the Land Of Oz and see The Wizard. Only he can send you home. Dorothy: Okay Toto! Let’s go see The Wizard! Me: S—. Anyway, Monday Night Raw starts… Dorothy: We’re off to see The Wizard…The Wonderful Wizard Of O…(punches Dorothy). Me: I’ll have what she’s having! (punches himself)

Match #1: Charlotte Flair vs. Shayna Baszler ends in no-contest

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Heavy is the crown for The Queen these days, as the WWE Women’s Tag Team Champion has found no shortage of obstacles. Charlotte Flair was intent on keeping her focus in the ring with Shayna Baszler despite Lacey Evans’ recent actions with her father, but The Queen of Spades had her own agenda. With Nia Jax at ringside, the tandem ganged up on Flair until Mandy Rose, Dana Brooke and Lacey Evans joined the fray to bring chaos.

My Opinion: 2 out of 10 – What a two minute waste of a great pairing. Nothing much happened here and that’s sad on so many levels. Dorothy: Who are you talking to? Me: This computer program called TalkTech. It’s run by a red-neck CPU called Jonjo. Jonjo: I nailed my sister! Her name is MSDOS! Dorothy: Oh goodness! Me: Yeah. It’s real classy. You gonna eat that dog? Dorothy: Look! Me: AHHHHHHH!!!!! A mail-man! (picks up Dorothy and hits talking creature repeatedly with her) Scarecrow: Where are you going? Dorothy: To see The Wizard! Scarecrow: I want to see him too! I want a brain! Dorothy: Why don’t you come with us? Scarecrow: Can I? Me: No. Dorothy: Yes! Me: S—. Scarecrow: I… Me: No singing! Scarecrow and Dorothy: We’re…off to see The Wizard…The Wonderful Wiz… Me: What did I just say?! Oh, the match sucked.

Match #2: Shayna Baszler, Nia Jax & Lacey Evans def. Charlotte Flair, Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Following a break in the action, a Six-Woman Tag Match ensued with Flair finally getting her opportunity against Baszler. The Queen used her signature chops to slow down her opponent’s charge followed by an impressive power display with a fallaway slam. As more mayhem ensued outside the ring, Baszler was unable to beat the official’s count, but Adam Pearce ruled to restart the match. With the match underway once again, The Sassy Southern Belle found herself on the brunt of the aggression. As Flair went hunting for Evans, Jax targeted Brooke in the ring and splattered her with a vicious slam and leg drop for the win.

My Opinion: 2 out of 10 – This was restarted after going short on account of a botched finish. Nia almost killed Dana with a botched slam near the end, because she’s a lazy jackass. What else is new? Dorothy: Look! A man made out of tin! Me: AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Dorothy: Look! He’s coming to life! Tin-Man: By The Wizard! I can move! Scarecrow: Speaking of…that’s where we’re going! Tin-Man: I sure do need a heart. Can I come? Me: We don’t have any Boy Scouts for you to stare at, you f——- perv. Dorothy: Yes! Of course you can! Tin-Man: It’s s… Me: Don’t sing! Tin-Man, Scarecrow and Dorothy: We’re…off to se… Me: No singing…assholes! Overall, this match was lame. Now, where is that f—— dog? I got a hankerin’ for some poochey-a-la-crunch.

Match #3: Xavier Woods def. SLAPJACK

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Xavier Woods’ ongoing battle with RETRIBUTION raged on, as The New Day bandleader took on SLAPJACK. In recent clashes with MACE and T-BAR, the numbers game overwhelmed Woods without Kofi Kingston & Big E in his corner. This week, Woods was shot out of a cannon looking to get on the offensive early. Woods defied the odds with a crushing Shining Wizard to SLAPJACK, but the real pain followed as RETRIBUTION descended upon the ring. Mustafa Ali announced his evil intentions for The New Day and declared himself for the Royal Rumble Match.

My Opinion: 1 out of 10 – Oh my God. This was three minutes of “f— me”. Is Vince even trying anymore? Dorothy: Look! A lion! Me: AHHHHHH!!!!!! A f—– lion! Scarecrow: Why are you trying to scare us? Tin-Man: Yes! Why? Lion: Well, it’s… Me: No singing! Lion: I just want some courage! Me: Pussy. Lion: Can I come with you to see The Wizard? Dorothy: How did you know where we were going? Lion: I read the book. Dorothy: To Oz! Lion, Tin-Man, Scarecrow and Dorothy: We’re… Me: Shut…up! The next match better be good, because these mini-clunkers are really starting to piss me off.

Match #4: Sheamus def. John Morrison

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After declaring for the Royal Rumble Match earlier in the day, old rivals Sheamus and John Morrison met in the ring hoping to gain momentum going into Sunday. The Celtic Warrior tried to match The Prince of Parkour’s high-flying action, but Morrison targeted his opponent’s knee to ground him. Sheamus finished off the victory with a massive White Noise to Morrison.

My Opinion: 7 out of 10 – Now this was damn good. These guys got some time and they really made the most of that time. You get great European counters and leg-locks, as well as John’s usual athletic feats that can add spice to any zesty dish. I am amazed at how much better this match is now as opposed to when they wrestled each other ten years ago. I get that the passage of time ages all great things well if such a passing is done with grace, but… Dorothy: Look! There’s The Emerald City! Me: (punches Dorothy) Don’t interrupt my review! Lion: I’m getting sleepy! Dorothy: Me too! Me: How are you not dead? Oh s—. Scarecrow: Oh no! They’re falling asleep in this Nocturnal Poppy Field! Tin-Man: Help! Help! Help! Scarecrow and Tin-Man: Help! Help! Help! Glinda: Shut up! (snow falls on the poppies and they all awake) Me: That was a lousy nap. Hey magic b—-! Can you poof us in to see The Wizard? Glinda: Oh, God damn it! Nobody wants to do anything any-more! F—– assholes! (poofed inside to see The Wizard) Dorothy: Where…where is he? Me: Maybe he’s jerking off or something? Probably shoving his fingers up his ass. The Wizard: Come forward! Lion: Oh s—! Me: That dog is mine to eat! Oh, the match was the best thing on this show…easily.

Match #5: The Miz & John Morrison def. Sheamus – 2-on-1 Handicap Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Miz & Morrison were set on leaving Sheamus humbled and hobbled before the three men entered the Royal Rumble. The Celtic Warrior gritted his way through it and delivered an incredible rolling senton of Miz into Morrison. Sheamus landed a Brogue Kick on Morrison, but The A-Lister was on the spot for a Skull-Crushing Finale to finish their pre-Rumble statement.

My Opinion: 7 out of 10 – This was two good ones in a row for ol’ Sheamus. I’m really happy to see him thriving on Raw. This match had a lot of fire in its belly. Hell, this was a house of fire. You gotta love a match where it starts off hot and just burns through every minute like it may be the last. The Wizard: Approach me, mortals! Me: F–ker! Ruining my review! The Wizard: Silence! Lion: AHHHHHH!!!!! Me: Stay away from that dog! He’s mine! Gonna eat you, you little f—ker! The Wizard: You have come for me to send you back to Kansas. I shall do as you wish, only if you bring me the broomstick of The Wicked Witch Of The West! Me: Tin-Man: Bbbbbbut…we’ll have to kill her to get it! The Wizard: Bring me her broomstick and I’ll grant your request. Now…go. Me: Why is your head so f–king big? You gotta tumor or somethin’? The Wizard: I said go! (Lion jumps out the window) Tin-Man: My goodness! He jumped out that window! Scarecrow: Dorothy…are you ready? Dorothy: Yes. Come Toto. The Wizard: I have to fart. (farts) I farted. Me: Do you have a f–king tumor or not?! Oh, this was a damn good handicap match. Tumor-Head knows all about being handicapped, right? The Wizard: It’s not a tumor! Me: Sure it’s not; just like this wasn’t a good match…it was an excellent match!

Match #6: AJ Styles def. R-Truth

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

R-Truth came into Raw looking for a birthday present and a trip to Royal Rumble, but The Hurt Business and AJ Styles left with neither. After a disappointing trip to The V.I.P. Lounge, R-Truth tried valiantly to take down The Phenomenal One, but Omos scared the 24/7 Champion every which way. R-Truth channeled his childhood hero John Cena for a Five-Knuckle Shuffle, but Styles regrouped to lock in a Calf Crusher hold to force the tapout.

My Opinion: 3 out of 10 – This was somehow just AJ versus John Cena. At least it was… Scarecrow: Flying…monkeys! Tin-Man: Oh no! Lion: Oh no! Kool-Aid Guy: Oh yea…(cracks open) AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (explodes) Me: I’m gonna dip Toto in this mother-f—ker. Dorothy: Help! Scarecrow: They got Dorothy! Me: Okay. Tin-Man: We’ve got to save her! Lion: Oh s—! Me: I hate you people…almost as much as I hated seeing two of the best get two minutes to have a match that practically mocked the ones they’ve had before.

Match #7: Riddle def. Shelton Benjamin, MVP and Cedric Alexander – Gauntlet Match to earn U.S. Title Opportunity

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Riddle has been trying to bang down the doors of The Hurt Business for weeks, and The Original Bro ran the gauntlet to earn an opportunity at Bobby Lashley and the United States Title. After a hit and run on MVP earlier in the night, The Hurt Business was out for blood against Riddle. The Original Bro would step up to the first challenge against Shelton Benjamin as turmoil reared its ugly head between the Raw Tag Team Champions, and Riddle capitalized on the argument to pull off a wild roll-up to pass his first test. With the shouting match carrying on between The Hurt Business, Riddle sprung into action with a heel hook on MVP to force the tapout and a quick advance to the final round of the Gauntlet Match. Alexander’s athleticism seemed to be too much to handle for the winded Riddle, but Riddle improbably kicked out of a brainbuster and reached deep for one more improbable roll-up to grit his way to the final win. While Riddle was ready for celebration, the United States Champion was ready to deliver pain with a Hurt Lock for his upcoming challenger.

My Opinion: 5 out of 10 – This was good when it had Shelton in here, but it was truncated once Shelton left the fray. They tried to make the twelve or so minutes work, but it never had a chance outside of the first seven or so minutes. Wicked Witch: You can’t have the girl! Me: Oh, we made it in the Witch’s fortress. Scarecrow: Give her back! Wicked Witch: I want the slippers! Tin-Man: She needs them! Wicked Witch: So do I! Lion: Her boobs are hanging out! Her boobs are hanging out! Tin-Man: Is that all you think about?! Me: Shut up! The first cool thing that’s happened… (Wicked Witch lights Scarecrow on fire) Wicked Witch: How about a little fire Scarecrow? Scarecrow: I’m burning! I’m burning! (Dorothy picks up bucket of water) Wicked Witch: Don’t throw that water! (Nathan punches Dorothy) Me: She said no, asshole! No means no! I’m sorry Margaret Thatcher. Kids have no respect for hot old chicks like you. Wicked Witch: Get them! Grab them! We will take them to our master! HEHEEHEEHEEHEH!!!! Me: What?! That’s bull-s—! I’ve never gonna pound that ass now! Also, this match peaked early and slowly recovered in its last few minutes, but never to enough to reclaim what was lost when MVP’s portion of the match was only booked to be a few seconds (clever though they were).

Match #8: (Main Event) Asuka vs. Alexa Bliss ends in no-contest – Raw Women’s Title Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Alexa Bliss’ dark, twisted journey brought her to a Raw Women’s Title Match against Asuka on the red brand. After a chilling visit to Alexa’s Playground last week, Bliss had even more demons waiting for The Empress of Tomorrow in their title showdown. Asuka had her hands full trying to overcome the split personalities of Bliss, as The Goddess reemerged, crying late in the match as consciousness seemed to snap back into the Superstar. As the lights dimmed, a possessed Bliss appeared, and just as the demonic figure was ready to lock in a Mandible Claw on Asuka, Randy Orton arrived out of nowhere. The Viper struck with an RKO and left Bliss’ nightmarish vision of bringing a title to Alexa’s Playground crushed.

My Opinion: 3 out of 10 – They tried to have a match, but the booking kept getting in the way. One minute Alexa was in one costume, then another a minute later and so on and so forth. The whole idea of her stopping time to turn into another person is just stupid. Why can’t you just let people wrestle? Asuka is the right person to carry Alexa through the parts she’s still weak in, so why not just let her do her job? I can’t stand seeing a good match get throttled by the people promoting it. Dorothy: Where are we? Me: I don’t know. I wish what-ever schmo owns this joint would turn on the light. (light turns on) The Wizard: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Welcome back girl! You brought me my broom after all! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Dorothy: Wha… Wicked Witch: HEHEEHEEHEEHEH!!!! I brought you back to my master! Me: Who’s that? Donny Osmond? Wicked Witch: Shut up! The Wizard is my master! He sent you to me because I don’t have telephone or an email! The Wizard: Now, we can use your magic broom to stir the pot…of evil! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Dorothy: Where are my friends? Wicked Witch: You mean… (the floor parts beneath The Wizard’s large, green head) Dorothy: Oh no! What’s he doing?! Me: He’s running a train on their asses…with his 60 ft. schlong! This dink is huge! The Wizard: A man behind a curtain indeed! That book was full of s—! I am a God of great proportions! As a pound the f— out of your friends and these other creatures… Dorothy: Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my! Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my! Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my! Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my! Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my! Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my! The Wizard: Indeed! Now, as I molest the innocence of your companions, I shall cook and consume your lithe carcass and sustain my power for another thousand years, because only a child’s flesh can give me such replenishment! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Me: Do I get to eat the dog? The Wizard: No! She does! Wicked Witch: I’ve got the A1! HEEHEHEEHEHHEHEE!!!! Me: That tears it! I’m eating that damn dog and I’ll kill anyone that tries to stop me! Let’s rock…and please don’t bother watching the main event without being ready for disappointment.

Final Verdict: 4/10

This show wasn’t much. Fortunately, we didn’t have much bad comedy, so that helps. Randy Orton RKO’d Alexa Bliss to screw her out of the Women’s Title. Mustafa Ali attacked Xavier Woods, stole Kofi Kingston’s Royal Rumble spot and continued to wage war on Kofi in general.

Me: Dorothy, why don’t you grab this spear and start kicking some ass darlin’?! In the balls! In the face! In the heights! The Wizard: Get them, you dumb sonsabitches! Wicked Witch: I’ll use my magic on you both! Prepare to die! Me: Dorothy! Pee on her! Dorothy: What?! Me: Do it, you little asshole! (Dorothy pees on The Wicked Witch) Wicked Witch: AHHHHHHH!!!!! You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh what a horrible world! (Nathan cocks shot-gun) Me: It’s about to get worse. (fires gun) Nice going kid! Keep stabbing these bastards! Dorothy: Oh my goodness! Me: I feel like I’m in Thailand. The Wizard: Get them, you fools! Green lives matter! Me: Hey f—ker, say good-night you bum! (fires shot-gun at The Wizard’s balls) The Wizard: Ow! My balls! Me: (blows Wizard’s head off) It’s just been revoked. (Glinda magically appears in The Wizard’s citadel) Glinda: Finally! You worthless f—s did some-thing for yourselves! I knew if I sent you here with her slippers, that you’d be able to defeat her. Me: Well, it was mostly this shotgun and a couple of their spears that we took from the first few I killed…yeah. Now send us home! Glinda: You’ve had the power to do so all along. Just use the magic slippers and you can return home. Click them three times and wish for what you wish! Me: Thanks Jack. Well, kiddo, I guess it’s that time. You ready? Dorothy: Ready! Scarecrow, Tin-Man and Lion: Bye! Dorothy: I’ll miss you Lion! I’ll miss you Tin-Man! …and I’ll miss you most of all. (kisses Scarecrow) Me: I won’t really miss any of y…aw shucks…come here you goof-balls! (Nathan hugs the cum-stuffed trio) Me: Makes me feel like I’m back in high school…jizz and all. Okay, dude. Whenever you’re ready. Dorothy: There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. Me: If you live in a card-board box, that’s not much to brag about.

Oh…this show was a rather weak go-home for the Royal Rumble, but at least we had Goldberg and Drew McIntyre clobbering The Miz and John Morrison to start the whole thing off. I’ll see you next time.

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