20th Jan2021

WWE Raw – Jan 18th 2021: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have…well, I’m changing the review scale. I’ve been wanting to do this for about a year or so and I’ve finally decided to just do it. It’s pretty simple: 0-10. That’s it. No decimal point scoring (1.4, 2.8, 9.9, etc.) I’ve been doing a conversion for the 0-5 with decimal scoring by basing that off of my 0-10 way of thinking any-way, so screw it. This will make it easier to score these suckers so I can get to my actual reviews of the matches. Okay, let’s take our pants off and shove a turkey up our asses, because that’s what watching Raw often feels like. It’s 4th dimensional! Doc Brown: Marty! I’ve repaired the Flux Capacitor! Great Scott! We can now return to 2027 so we can throw rice at doves and watch them explode! Marty: Heavy! Doc Brown: No! Boom! Great Scott! Rick: Morty! Great Scoot! Get the ray gun! We’ve gotta kill these faggots before they kill all the sex doves in 202(burps)7! Morty: Oh s—, Rick! Rick: Shut up, you little flat-ass twink, or I’ll v(burps)porize your lard ass! Morty: Which is it? Rick: What?! Morty: Is it flat or fat? Rick: Queer! Great Scoot! Doc Brown: Marty! Look! Great Scott! They’re from that stupid f—— cartoon! Get them! Morty: Oh s—! Rick: Yeah, I forgot that they might wanna kick our asses. Let’s get back to our flippity-floppity-floop before they beat the s— out of us! Great Scoot! Marty: Come back here! Don’t make me Parkinson’s your ass to death! Me: Huh. Anyway, Raw starts now.

Match #1: Charlotte Flair def. Peyton Royce

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After two-time WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair caused his daughter to lose last week to Lacey Evans, Charlotte Flair had an opportunity to get payback against Lacey’s calculating tag team partner Peyton Royce. Royce went on the attack as Charlotte made her entrance and lit the fuse on a pre-match brawl that singled just how aggressive and personal their subsequent showdown would be. Then in a key moment, Lacey emerged alongside “The Nature Boy” and wearing Ric’s robe, which momentarily drew Charlotte’s focus and allowed Peyton to nearly pick up the pin. Despite the distraction, however, The Queen simply used her anger to raise the stakes. She made her opponent tap out to the Figure-Eight Leglock and didn’t let go with the sound of the bell in order to send a definitive message to Lacey.

My Opinion: 6 out of 10 – Oooh. That felt good. 6 out of 10. Ahhhhhh. It’s like rubbing menthol cigarettes on your balls and your clitoris at the same time. What? You don’t have both? Doc Brown: Marty! Kill them! Great Scott! Use your Parkinson’s to shake them to death! Marty: I’ll sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shake them like that baby we pulverized in 1772-2-2-2-2-2-2-2! Me: Ummm…right. Charlotte and Peyton had a decent start to their match that actually picked up steam with each passing minute. Charlotte was the ring general here, but Peyton offered more than enough for the former to work with. I don’t want you to get the impression that this was a great technical feast of skill, but Peyton showed the most she has shown in months. Rick: Oh s—! Run Morty! Morty: Use the ray gun! Rick: S—! It didn’t work, because we’re f(burping)cking cartoons! Morty: F—-! Me: I’m so glad that we have the TalkTech to record this, instead of me having to write out a whole review. I mean…except for the part where some cartoons characters run for their life from some Mall Of America-looking mother-f——. Rick: What did you say (burps)?! I’ll do it! I’m the f—— reviewer! Me: Hey! Rick: (burps) The chick with the big whammers is really kicking that camel’s ass! Morty: Shouldn’t we be running?! Rick: Eat me, ass-bag! That’s right blondie. Hit the camel. Doc Brown: Great Scott! There they are! Filthy ink-heads! Marty: I’m gonna give you a full-body Charlie Horse! Rick: Sh(burps)it Morty! That’s what happened to Shannon Doherty’s face! Morty: AHHHHHH!!!!! Me: Jesus. Where was I? Peyton sold well for Charlotte, but also really brought the aggression. This felt like a fight and when Charlotte submitted Peyton, not only did it feel like a big ending, but Peyton sold it with tinges of pain, anguish and despair, which will go a long way for this match having some staying power. Again, this was no masterpiece, but it was more than just another match, thanks to the admirable effort put in by both wrestlers. A 6 out of 10 feels very appropriate.

Match #2: MACE def. Xavier Woods

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Last week, Xavier Woods gave a valiant effort, but he was defeated at in the hands of RETRIBUTION’s powerhouse T-BAR. But with Kofi Kingston still out with a broken jaw, Woods brought the full Power of Positivity against MACE. Before the contest, Woods laid out Mustafa Ali with a fierce punch. When the always-menacing RETRIBUTION members began to spread out on all sides of the ring in the final moments of the matchup, though, MACE used the distraction to lay out Woods on the canvas for the three-count.

My Opinion: 3 out of 10 – This wasn’t very much, but it also wasn’t very bad either. There’s some great writing right there. Woods sold well for MACE and made his offense look good for what it was. Over-all, there’s not much to speak off, either in length or entertainment, but this was decent and the right guy won. Doc Brown: Marty! Great Scott! Chop their balls off! Morty: They’re gonna chop our balls off! Rick: Mine are still in Morty’s mom’s purse from the last time I railed her in the ass! Morty: WHAAAAAAAT??????!!!!! Rick: It was the family reunion M(burps)rty! I was bored damn it! Marty: I nailed my mom before I was born. Me: A…I…this match was a 3 out of 10 because it was short and dull, but not without a few saving graces, like brisk action and the right winner.

Match #3: Shayna Baszler def. Mandy Rose

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

After declaring for the Royal Rumble Match last week, the dynamic duo of Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke was overpowered by the dominant pair of Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler after “The Queen of Spades” tagged herself in to steal the pin from her partner. Though Mandy was out to prove herself as a worthy competitor and needed payback against Baszler en route to the coming Royal Rumble Match, she was no match for her opponent’s Kirifuda Clutch.

My Opinion: 4 out of 10 – Shayna made this fun for the minute or so it was on the air. Mandy did her part to play the tough, capable opponent that just couldn’t last against the merciless killing machine that is Shayna Baszler. Rick: Okay. I think we got away from those pheasants. Morty: YOU NAILED MY MOM! THAT’S… Rick: Morty, we’re not even sure if she’s even my father. Morty: Wh…I… Rick: No one even watches the show. (burps) Me: Guys. Would yo…what’s that? Morty: WHAT THE F—?! Rick: It’s an atomic bomb made out of an apple. It’s the same principle as smoking a bowl out of an orange except this isn’t totally f(burps)cking stupid! Morty: Oh my God! Marty: Gotcha, you b-b-b-b-b-b-butt-munches! Doc Brown: Look! Great Scott! They’ve got an apple! Shoot it! Me: NOOOOOOOOOO… (apple bomb explodes) Me: Well, I think we’re in Hell…or Jersey. We’re definitely dead. Doc Brown: Quite correct Michael Chiklis! We are most certainly dead. Morty: I can’t be dead! I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and you have to be alive to go to those! Marty: Shut up, talking squ-squ-squ-squ-squ-squiggly line man! Rick: We’re in a place called…RITERSBLOK! Doc Brown: Yes! Ritersblok is a place where all minds go when they can’t think of any-thing else to write down…or when you kill yourself with an atomic bomb made out of an apple. Rick: (burps) Rammerran! Me: Well, what do we do now? Doc Brown: Well Scott Hamilton, we must find a way to stabilize our now un-stabile forms. For now, please finish your review of this match. Marty: Punctuality is important. Morty: Talk about kitty-cats! Rick: Let me f(burps)ck you in the (burps)ss. Me: Well, this match was too short for its own good, but it was a nice showing for the right winner and that’s something, even if it’s not enough. Rick: B(burps)itchin’! Doc Brown: I quite agree with my cartoonic colleague, Mr. Clean. Now, we must begin our journey…Back To the Present!

Match #4: AJ Styles def. Ricochet

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Sick of being overlooked on Monday Night Raw, Ricochet renewed his rivalry with AJ Styles as he looked to pick up a huge victory over The Phenomenal One and earn an opportunity to take part in the Royal Rumble Match. But despite Ricochet’s incredible efforts throughout the match, Styles emerged victorious when he dropped his opponent on the ring ropes, caught him on the rebound and delivered an earth-shattering Styles Clash.

My Opinion: 8 out of 10 – This was a fantastic match that really delivered a lot in a lot of time. From bell to bell, AJ and Ricochet were just as they should be: incredible. Rick: That’s g(burps)ay! Morty: Why do you write like a chode? Marty: Queef face! Doc Brown: Now now, dear friends, Bruce Willis is trying his best to write under these terrifying conditions. I’ve activated Rick’s atomic apple core and re-configured it to absorb energy as opposed to expulsing it. Morty: What now, Mr. Brown? Doc Brown: Please, don’t be so formal. Before this, I was a farmer. Morty: Farmer Brown, what now? Doc Brown: We’re going to finish listening to Jeff Bezos’s review, then we’ll put our plan into motion. Me: Well, AJ and Ricochet had a very athletic match that was like a high-octane shot to the spine. While not the fiercest match of either man’s career, it was a loving reminder of how taking calculated risks amidst a match of smart, solid wrestling can lead to a conservative effort feeling like a Herculean one. Doc Brown: Okay, Ben Kingsley sucks. I now activate the machine and begin our plan! Marty: What is our plan? Rick: Who cares?! It’s better than listening to this talking pear review dumb-ass wrestling matches!

Match #5: The Hurt Business def. Riddle & The Lucha House Party in a Six-Man Tag Team Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Last week, following a defeat at the hand of the “All-Mighty” United States Champion Bobby Lashley, Riddle shocked The Hurt Business with an impromptu challenge to take on MVP. Riddle did not fare any better the second time around, as this one-on-one showdown resulted in a second beat down at the hands of MVP and Lashley. Tonight, “The Original Bro” teamed with the high-flying Gran Metalik & Lince Dorado in hopes to knock The Hurt Business off their high horse by handing them a huge loss in Six-Man Tag Team action. Throughout the matchup, they was noticeable dissension between Raw Tag Team Champions Shelton Benjamin and Cedric Alexander. However, when Lashley had enough of it, he tagged himself, ripping through The Lucha House Party before finishing Metalik with the full nelson.

My Opinion: 5 out of 10 – This was a solid match that had some of what I was looking for from it, but not enough of what it needed to make it strong enough to withstand criticism. The angle of Shelton and Cedric having dissention in the ranks felt un-necessary, even if it has been teased off and on for months. Every-body worked well together and made sure to keep the pep in their step. I had no real issues with this match, but perhaps it needed more breathing room to be what it should have been. Doc Brown: Shut the f— up Patrick Stewart. It’s time to activate the machine before Professor Xavier gabs on about another sh—y wrestling match. Marty: What happens after we activate this, Doc? Doc Brown: Great Scott! I forgot to mention! We’re going to stabilize our organic forms by merging with ourselves across different dimensions into one fantastic surge of pure energy that can be harnessed into returning us to the land of the living! Rick: We have to (burps) like merge the human guys with their organic sources. Morty: Huh? Doc Brown: I come from the performance of an actor called Christopher Lloyd and Marty comes from an actor called Michael J. Fox. Marty: That’s where the Parkinson’s jokes keep coming from! Doc Brown: Precisely! Now, before we have to listen to Dr. Evil talk about professional wrestling one more time, let’s begin the ENERGENIZINGIFICATIONENIFIYING!

Match #6: Jeff Hardy def. Jaxson Ryker by Disqualification

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Last week, Jeff Hardy lost to Jaxson Ryker, Elias’ surprise last second replacement in a scheduled contest. After the match, The Charismatic Enigma dared Elias to step in the ring and came out on top. This week, Elias’ devoted follower promised to finish what he started and beat Hardy until he accepted the universal truth of Elias. But when Hardy started to climb to the top rope to deliver a Swanton Bomb, Elias knocked him off the ropes and forced the official to call for the bell. Ryker was upset at the disruption when, out of nowhere, Hardy hit Elias with a dropkick through the ropes. When he came at Ryker again, the irate Superstar laid him by driving him hard into the canvas.

My Opinion: 1 out of 10 – Not much happened here and… Rick: Shut the f— up, pork-pie, or I’ll cook your fat-ass like the bacon-b—- that you are! Me: Ummmm…Jeff should be allowed to move on from this Elias feud, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards. A nothing match that went way too short and had a crap finish is no way to start the end of a major wrestling show. Marty: Shut the f— up! Morty: Up the f— shut! Doc Brown: Shut the f— up, Gandhi! Now, we begin the merger! Marty! ENERGENIZINGIFICATIONENIFIYING is occurring. How do you feel? Marty: Okay, Doc! Rick: Doc Hollywood! The Hard Way! Spin City! The Story Of My Success! Family Ties! Stuart Little! Back To The Future! Doc Brown: They’re all converging in your body at the same time into one fantastic source of inter-dimensional energy! I’ll go next! Rick: Re-calibrating the p(burps)od! Morty: Nice ass Doc! Doc Brown: Thanks homo! My turn to be ENERGENIZINGIFICATIONENIFIYIED! Rick: The Lone Ranger! Star Trek 3: The Search For Spock! Who Framed Roger Rabbit?! Cyberchase! Ducktales: The Secret Of The Magic Lamp! Sin City: A Dame To Kill For! Taxi! That episode of Malcolm In The Middle where Christopher Lloyd played Hal’s dad and got tickled ‘til he peed himself! Doc Brown: Yes! I feel it! It’s working! HAHA! Well, that’s… Great Scott! We almost forgot to grab Ving Rhames and shove his bald ass in here too! Tell Telly Savalas to get the f— over here! Me: What? Doc Brown: Hey Kojak, get your ass over here! We need to align your inter-dimensional energies together to finish powering the machine! Me: O…okay. Doc Brown: Alright, it seems like it’s going well. Rick: That time you ate a stick of butter that you had rubbed on your balls! You after nailing your cousin/grandma! You after you jerked off in the library and they only stopped you because it was protocol! Me: Ummm…can you not say this stuff out loud? Rick: You after you got caught jerking off while spying on some-one as they were taking a s—! Me: Oh God! Doc Brown: Shut the f— up, Michael Clarke Duncan! We’re almost there! We’r…Great Scott! What’s happening?! Rick: Temporal shifting has (burps) occurred! We’re being sucked in to this loser’s most haunting moment! Morty: What’s that?! Me: Uh oh… Oh. The match was a waste of time for Jeff Hardy, who deserves to have a match with a top prospect right now, especially since it’s Royal Rumble season. How great would it be if he put over a new star as we near the Royal Rumble match itself? Wouldn’t it be great to not have it tamped down who could be winning the match?

Match #7: (Main Event) Alexa Bliss def. Raw Women’s Champion Asuka

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Last week, the unpredictable Alexa Bliss interrupted the sinister Randy Orton’s matchup against Triple H and threw a fireball that burned the Viper’s face. Then, she snapped again this week when Raw Women’s Champion Asuka dared to speak The Fiend’s name on “Alexa’s Playground.” As a result, Bliss looked to punish The Empress of Tomorrow in Raw’s main event. But in a crucial moment of the matchup, the lights suddenly began to shut down, as Bliss looked up to the sky with a frightening smile on her face. And when the lights returned, she had been completely transformed into a different, ominous figure. As she moved methodically around the ring, she seemed able to resist all of Asuka’s offensive, almost absorbing it only to come back stronger each time. The spectacle unnerved the Raw Women’s Champion, and the strange incarnation of Bliss caught her in Sister Abigail with a frightening smirk and pinned the Raw Women’s Champion in a non-title match. And, as the dust cleared, she once again transformed into the Alexa Bliss the WWE Universe has come to know in recent weeks. Then, in the voice of The Friend, Bliss uttered the words: “LET ME IN!”

My Opinion: 3 out of 10 – Not a very exciting first main event of the new rating era, but one that did have some…entertainment value? Asuka was made to look weak in an attempt to sell Bliss and her various demonic alter-egos as powerful, but it just made the whole thing look like a bad movie instead. Marty: Doc! Where the f— are we? A-Shunt-EE: I am the mighty God, A-Shunt-EE! HAHAHAHAHA! I will shunt the world! I will rule all! Doc Brown: Apparently, Dave Chappelle was captured by some type of occultists who worship this gigantic jack-ass! Now, we’re trapped in this time period until we can reverse the flow of energy and get back to our time! Me (from back then): Ashanti! I love Ashanti! I don’t know any of your songs, but I sure do like them any-way! Morty: He was a tool back then too? Rick: Yeah (burp)…once a chub, always a chub. Me (now): You know what? I am not a chub! I am a decent guy who makes mistakes, but don’t we all? A-Shunt-EE: No. Just you. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Marty: Oh s—! Morty: Hey man! Put us down! A-Shunt-EE: HAHAHAHA!!!! Now…A-Shunt-EE shall shunt thee! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Morty: What does “shunting” mean, any-way? Doc Brown: It’s a process where you are eaten, raped and merged with all at once! Marty: What?! Rick: You get f—–, chomped and rammed together with a bunch of other ass-holes until…oh s—! Doc Brown: Help us, Buddha! Marty: Yeah, lard-ass! Morty: I don’t want be shunted! Help us, fat-boy! Rick: Hey Michelin Man! Get the f(burps)ck up here and save us so we can make fun of you for no reason! Doc Brown: Help us, kemo-therapy Ron Jeremy! Great Scott! Rick: Great Scoot! Doc Brown: Great Scott! Rick: Great Scoot! Doc Brown: Great Scott! Rick: Great Scoot! Doc Brown: Great Scott! Rick: Great Scoot! Doc Brown: Great Scott! Rick: Great Scoot! Doc Brown: Great Scott! Rick: Great Scoot! Doc Brown: Great Scott! Rick: Great Scoot! Doc Brown: Great Scott! Me: Ummm…I didn’t need to see…ummmm…a shunting…but this match was only slightly better than that. Wow. That’s not much of a match if that’s the case, is it? Asuka tried to make this match work, but Alexa’s whole shtick here wore thin far too early in the match to make the effort stick. In any case, this was a weak main event and that is a shame, because Alexa is getting better, but not enough to survive this mis-fire of a story-driven match. Well, I guess now I can le… A-Shunt-EE: Now, Nathan, it is your turn…to be shunted! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Me: You got my name right! Why thank you! Me (from back then): Hey! I got myself free while you finished the review! Me: Sorry! I got caught up in finishing the review! Me (from back then): Not to worry! Obligations come first! Me: Well, now that we have every-thing settl…HE’S GONNA SHUNT US! Me and Me (from back then): AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Final Verdict: 5/10

Me (from back then): OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO?! Me: Wait…there’s an apple around here, infused with atomic energy! We’ll throw it up at Sammy Sodomy over there and let it blow him all the way to Kingdom Come! Me (from back then): Sweet! Me: Also, David Krumholtz appeared on this show as a Drew McIntyre rip-off and Gillberg was there to help make fun of Goldberg in order to build anticipation to The Miz cashing in Money In The Bank on the winner of the WWE World Title match. Randy Orton is wearing a thick mask to sell his face being burned by Alexa Bliss. Goldberg and Drew McIntyre will be on Raw next week to sell their match at the Royal Rumble. Me (from back then): Excellent! Ready? Me: Indubitably! Hey Ashanti! Catch this! A-Shunt-EE: It’s not Ashanti! It’s…oh s—. (massive explosion) Me and Me (from back then): Whew! (wall explodes) Tom Noonan: I’m Tom Noonan. Me and Me (from back then): Hi Tom Noonan! Tom Noonan: I’m Tom Noonan. Me: We beat A-Shunt-EE! Tom Noonan: I knew-nan you could do it. Me (from back then): Thanks for coming to save us! Tom Noonan: I knew-nan it was the right to do-nan. Me: Well, as for this show, this was not on the level it should have been, but AJ Styles and Ricochet had a fantastic match and that is cause for celebration. Me (from back then): That’s what wrestling is all about. It’s not about story-telling or exciting moments or even putting smiles on faces. Wrestling is about watching a bunch of people pretend to fight for upwards of twenty minutes at a time. Tom Noonan: This show gets a 5 out of 10 because it had some good wrestling here and there, but since most of that great wrestling only occurred in a few matches on a show with seven bouts, a higher score is just not warranted. Me: So, come back next week and we’ll see how the Raw before the Royal Rumble turns out. I’m Nathan Favel… Me (from back then): I’m Nathan Favel… Tom Noonan: I’m Tom Noonan. Me: See you next week and thank you for reading.

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