07th Jan2021

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Jan 5th 2021)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have the go-home show for Genesis and more build for Hard To Kill. I’m so tired of you. Where’s my money? You got my money? Wh…why don’t you go get my money? Do it! Family Video is going out of business! I’m pissed! Where am I gonna buy used porn now?! You better find out! Don’t make me f— you up! Metallica sucks and this show starts…don’t make me f— you up!

Match #1: Crazzy Steve def KC Navarro, Blake Christian & Ace Austin w/ Madman Fulton – 4 Way Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Just days before the Super X-Cup returns this Saturday at Genesis on IMPACT Plus, four of its competitors compete in a preview match right here on IMPACT! where first man to score a pinfall or submission will be declared the winner! Ace retreats to the outside as he scouts his opponents from the floor. Fulton assaults Navarro which is completely legal in a 4 Way Match. Navarro takes out Steve with a quick head scissors. Christian sends Navarro crashing all the way from the top rope to the floor. Christian soars with a Tope Con Hilo to Navarro. Ace is next to fly with a modified Moonsault on both Christian and Navarro. Christian connects with a standing Spanish Fly on Ace, followed by a top rope Frog Splash but Steve breaks up the pin! Steve hits Navarro with a jumping DDT to score the victory.

My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – This was a lot of great spots, but not much in the way of wrestling. Taylor Dayne is outside my house. Listen… Taylor Dayne: Tell It To My Heart! Tell It To My Mind! Tell It To Me All Night Long Baybay! Me: Oh God! She’s trying to sing! I won’t stand for it! [muffled sounds] Well, now that she’s been dealt with, we can return to the review. This started out as the two out, two in deal, but it got more interesting as time went on. What started out as a match for KC and Blake to get some valuable TV time quickly transitioned into a full-blown X-Division sprint toward the finish line. All of the great aerial moves that I can never remember the names of are here, like the Manscualba Dive or the Pimento Rub or even the Likelensklagoshbabokladada Dick. It’s a real thrill watching a match that loses me three minutes yet still was fun to watch. I hate kangaroos. All in all, this was an enjoyable match that I hated! F— you!

Match #2: Cody Deaner & Joe Doering def Cousin Jake & Rhino

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Cody shows an aggressive side of him we’ve never seen before as he manhandles his own Cousin Jake. Doering continues the assault with a huge running crossbody. After a long beatdown from Cody, Jake is finally able to tag in Rhino who goes on the attack! Rhino connects with a powerful belly-to-belly suplex on Cody. Moments later, Jake pleads with Cody to fix their issues. Eric Young distracts the referee, allowing Cody to connect with a low blow on Jake. Cody hits a vicious DDT to put his cousin away.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – This sucked! Booooooooo!!!!!!!!! Wait…it was okay. Family Video is going out of business. We have Bob Ross here. Bob… Bob Ross: I got your nose, b—-! Any-who…Guess Who…Yoo-Hoo…what was I talking about? This sucked! It was boring! I hate you! Have you figured out that there was not much to speak of in this match? Well, you’re wrong, as usual…dumb-ass. Cody showed a lot of improvement now that he is heel and clean shaven. Cody moved better and looked tougher. Joe was like a red-wood on roller-blades, always rolling along and running the other skaters over. Okay, I’m spit-balling on what to say here. It wasn’t an interesting match, but it did have some nice, solid combat and it didn’t stink up the joint…because it sucked! Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse! I’m an idiot and this match was lame yet proper considering the circumstances of Cody’s heel turn and the need to establish Eric Young’s new stable as tough and formidable.

Match #3: Havok & Nevaeh def Jordynne Grace & Jazz – Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament Semi-Final

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This is the last semi-final match in the Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament with the winners going on to face Kiera Hogan and Tasha Steelz at Hard To Kill! Grace takes control in the early going as she dominates Nevaeh with her overwhelming strength. Moments later, Havok stares down Jazz. The pro wrestling legend pummels Havok with a series of strong strikes. Havok turns the tide with a running splash into the corner. Havok whips her own partner into Jazz, followed by a clothesline. Jazz rakes the eyes of Nevaeh to regain control. Grace and Jazz exchange quick tags as they wear Nevaeh down. After a moment of separation, Havok and Grace tag into the match leading to a huge powerbomb from Havok! Jazz connects with a closed right hand on Havok, leading to a two count for Grace. Havok hits Jazz with the Tombstone Piledriver while Grace is on the outside to advance to the finals.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – I liked this. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it was good and stable, like Anne Of Green Gables when she flips the table on the fable that cable is gadable. What? It rhymed! Jazz and Grace worked well together and made the match count when it needed to. You get lots of stocky action that packs on the wallop in slow, careful order, so as to not miss any details. Havok and Nevaeh held up their end of the deal and didn’t falter, even if they didn’t impress either. There wasn’t any point in this match where I felt robbed of quality wrestling. I had a good time.

Match #4: Matthew Palmer def Moose – 3 Minute Challenge

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Independent wrestler Matthew Palmer looks to make a name for himself as he answers the 3 Minute Challenge. Palmer doesn’t have to win the match, he just has to survive! Moose dominates from the opening bell as he gives off the impression that he could end things at any time. With 1:30 left on the clock, Moose is toying with Palmer. Willie Mack comes to ringside with 10 seconds left and provides a distraction. The clock runs out and Matthew Palmer wins the 3 Minute Challenge! Moose looks on in disbelief as he seeks vengeance on Willie Mack in an I Quit Match this Saturday at Genesis.

My Opinion: 1.3 out of 5 – There wasn’t much here, but it was nice to see Palmer win, albeit with a dumb distraction finish.

Match #5: (Main Event) Eddie Edwards vs Sami Callihan Ends in a No Contest

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The fight begins before the bell rings as Eddie Edwards and Sami Callihan brawl their way down the ramp to ringside! Eddie swings and misses with the baseball bat, allowing Callihan to gain the upperhand. Callihan drives a steel chair into the gut of Edwards. The match hasn’t even begun as these two bitter rivals continue to tear each other apart at ringside. Callihan hits an exploder suplex into the steel chair before tossing Eddie into the ring. The referee calls for the bell and the match is officially underway! Both men put their hands on the referee as they do everything in their power to hurt one another. The referee has seen enough and calls for the bell. The fight continues as Edwards takes out Callihan with an explosive dive to the outside. Edwards is about to do more damage with the bat when Callihan uses his hacking abilities to play a video on the stage. Eddie’s wife Alisha is seen trapped behind a fence. Edwards runs to the back in search of Alisha but he falls into a trap when Ken Shamrock blindsides him. Callihan ties up Edwards in barbed wire before delivering a sick baseball bat shot as his wife looks on in horror.

My Opinion: 1.1 out of 5 – This was just a brawl before the match could start and the match was a minute of almost nothing and…it sucked.

News Of The Night:

  1. Jazz fights Jordynne Grace at Genesis.
  2. Ethan Page fights Karate Man (Ethan Page) at Hard To Kill.
  3. Tommy Dreamer, Rhino and Cousin Jake fight Eric Young, Joe Doering and Cody Deaner in a Hardcore Match at Hard To Kill.
  4. Super Elite brawled with Rich Swann and The Motor City Machine Guns.
  5. Sami Callihan and Ken Shamrock attacked Eddie Edwards.
  6. Su Yung was morphed by James Mitchell into Susan.
  7. Deonna Purrazzo and Taya Valkyrie jaw-jacked to sell their Knockout’s Title match.
  8. Rohit Raju and Chris Bey challenged TJP to team with Manik against them in a tag match.
  9. Johnny Swinger told Acey Romero to investigate the Knockouts on who framed Larry D.
  10. Rich Swann fights Karl Anderson, next week.
  11. The Super X Cup is this Saturday at Genesis.

Final Verdict: 2.8/5

Apart from the women’s tag match, this show was mostly just filler that was meant to build toward the shows with the actual matches you want to see.

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