16th Dec2020

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Dec 15th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we’ve got plenty of matches this week, including Wade “The Fist” Ngulski battling Good Hand Duke in the Steel Cage of Death…for a sandwich! It’s a Carmino Deluxe, with extra swiss, hickory mayo, honey mustard, grilled red onion and fried chicken strips twisted with crackling pieces of crispy bacon. F— my diet! I’m going hog-wild on that mother-f—–! Do your own damn review! Actually…

Greetings squanch-heads! “Smart” Mark D. Mark here to fill in for Nathan, who is taking a break from his diet of his mom’s bone-dust soup so he can stuff his face full of “Nathan, you have six months to live, fat-ass”. Why don’t we see what Impact is limping to the barn with this week, shall we you ignorant phlonks?

Match #1: Tenille Dashwood w/ Kaleb With a K def Alisha w/ Eddie Edwards

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Alisha looks to even the score tonight after Tenille Dashwood pinned her in a tag match this past Saturday at Final Resolution – of course, it wasn’t without the help of Sami Callihan. Tenille hits a double underhook slam in the early going. Tenille adds insult to injury with the DashWoogie. Alisha builds momentum with a series of running clotheslines, followed by a bulldog. Kaleb pulls Tenille to safety. Kaleb takes out Eddie with his camera bag at ringside. Alisha launches herself off the top but Tenille uses Kaleb as a shield! Tenille capitalizes with the Spotlight Kick to win.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – Alisha is a good little shrew, isn’t she? I’m impressed a mouse as measly Eddie’s main squeeze could actually improve her skills to the point that the match was not a train-wreck. Tenille and her chubby cheeks had the kind of sneer between them that made her offense seem all the more offensive. I like it when these gals put more than just their knees into some-thing. The whole match was just snappy and direct. Oh God, I’m starting to sound like Nathan…that little twerp. You know, he blows himself on his birthday. I’m glad that we have matches like this to mediocre their way to the next match. You gotta keep the card moving. Nice try ladies and you have impressed a man who hates you both.

Match #2: Chris Bey def X-Division Champion Manik by Disqualification

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Manik takes control in the early going with a springboard crossbody to the floor. Manik is perched over the second rope as Bey drives an elbow into his back. Bey begins to wear down Manik with a series of submissions. Manik retreats underneath the ring as the referee begins his count. Manik reappears on the other side of the ring, taking out Rohit with a crossbody! Manik hits the Detonation Kick. Bey grabs hold of the referee, allowing him to connect with an illegal low blow. Rohit gets involved in an attempt to remove Manik’s mask but Bey wants to finish the match first. Rohit loses it and attacks Bey from behind, causing the disqualification!

My Opinion: 3.6 out of 5 – Bey and Manik had one of the better X-Division matches in a while, which is like saying that the LA Laker girls are fat only half of the time. Bey was on the receiving end of Manik’s attacks like my butler is when he brings the wrong slippers. Fools, I tell ya…immigrants ought to be more grateful. Manik, or TJP as he actually is called when he isn’t wearing that gimp/cuck mask, indulged his inner aerialist for this match. I got a kick out of how much risk these guys managed to take while not getting too dangerous. Why can’t my service girl be this ambitious? I’m impressed by these guys, which isn’t easy, since I hate them for no reason.

Match #3: Kiera Hogan & Tasha Steelz def Taya Valkyrie & Rosemary – Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament Semi-Final

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The winners of this match go on to face either Jordynne Grace & Jazz or Havok & Nevaeh in the tournament final at Hard To Kill, January 16 on Pay-Per-View! Taya hits Tasha with a spinebuster. Moments later, Rosemary keeps the momentum going with a sidewalk slam to Kiera. Rosemary locks in the Upside Down on Tasha. After Kiera and Tasha take control, Rosemary hits a spear to create separation. Rosemary makes the tag to Taya who goes on the attack! Taya hits Kiera with a spinning sitdown powerbomb for two. Meanwhile, Knockouts Champion Deonna Purrazzo and Kimber Lee pull Rosemary off the apron! Deonna eliminates Rosemary with a flatliner on the stage. Kiera capitalizes with a superkick to Taya, followed by a swinging neckbreaker to win.

My Opinion: 2.6 out of 5 – These broads bored me. They’re all talented and that kinda crap, but the match was like eating a wet sock…decent. You gotta have some A1 to really perk-up a wet sock, which is what I needed for this snooze-fest. Molasses moves faster than this match did. Eat s—.

Match #4: Brian Myers def Josh Alexander by Disqualification

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Mere minutes into the match, Ethan Page comes down to ringside to cheer on Josh Alexander but Myers sends him crashing into the steel ring post! The distraction allows Myers to take control. Page reappears but as his alter ego, the Karate Man! He attacks Myers with a series of Kung Fu maneuvers as the referee calls for the bell.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – Santa brought me a gift this year and it’s medium matches of medium quality. Brian and Josh did here with their simple wrestling what a bus does to an old woman when she tries to cross the street. Meat and potatoes were on the menu here and they were a bit under-cooked, but the flavor was sti… Nathan is seeping into my bones! Help me! I will not become dork crossed with loser! Brian and Josh pissed their way through a match no one will remember next week!

Match #5: (Main Event) Karl Anderson def Chris Sabin w/ Alex Shelley

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

AEW World Champion Kenny Omega and Don Callis are watching the match from their luxury bus! Anderson sends a message as he hits a strong Irish whip into the corner turnbuckles. Anderson manhandles Sabin from the opening bell. Sabin attempts a slingshot crossbody but Anderson quickly shuts him down. There’s a clash of heads in the middle of the ring, giving Sabin a window of opportunity! Sabin quickens the pace with a top rope crossbody for two. Sabin counters the Gun Stun into a tornado DDT for another near fall. Both men are out after an explosive double clothesline! Anderson connects with his signature spinebuster but this time it’s Sabin who barely gets his shoulder up! Anderson rolls him up with a hold of the tights to steal the victory.

My Opinion: 3.8 out of 5 – Listen putz, it was good. Of course this match was good. John Cena wasn’t involved in this, so of course it was good. You had wrestling holds and smart transitions and Karl’s thousands of kids cheering him on from their cages… f—— mongrels that they are. Chris added his kinetic style to this and made Karl’s heathen kids growl at the TV every time daddy got smacked like the pucker-faced dweeb that he is. Hook-Nose eventually got booked to roll-up the other Hook-Nose and it all schnozzed its way to a kind of pathetic glory.

News Of The Night:

  1. Kenny Omega and The Good Brothers fight Rich Swann and The Motor City Machine Guns at Hard To Kill.
  2. Moose fights Willie Mack in an I Quit Match at Genesis.
  3. Sami Callihan fights Eddie Edwards to end their rivalry in January.
  4. Cody Deaner joined Eric Young in his after-school club.

Final Verdict: 3.3/5

This was good and solid, but so is my stool. The main event was excellent and the Bey/Manik bout was as well, but this was a dull show outside of that. Well you schmucks, this review is over. You can go back under that rock now. Ciao!


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