25th Nov2020

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Nov 24th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have more wrestling to talk about on the compunet. The interputer has brought us together to find out who killed John E Br…aw, who gives a s—t? I don’t come on to the Impucom just to talk about male soap opera s—t. I want some damn wrestling. My computop deserves the best, not the rest. Why don’t we get on with this puternet business and review some wrestling, you c—k-sucker? I…screw it. Here:

Greetings lemmings! “Smart” Mark D. Mark here to take over for Nathan, whose menstrual cycle is gushing more blood than his mother’s head when she shot herself to get away from her loser son. I kid! She hung herself. Nathan cries himself to sleep and this review begins, yon feeble mortal!

Match #1: Kiera Hogan & Tasha Steelz def The Sea Stars (Delmi Exo & Ashley Vox) – Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Sea Stars make their IMPACT Wrestling debut as the Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament continues! Delmi has Kiera on the retreat, attempting numerous pins in the early going. Delmi hits Kiera with a neckbreaker for two. Kiera dropkicks Ashley in the corner. The Sea Stars build momentum as Delmi uses her height advantage to deliver a series of strikes. Delmi sends Kiera crashing into her own partner for a near fall! Tasha attacks Ashley on the outside before taking out Delmi with a running bulldog. Kiera scores the victory with a swinging neckbreaker to Delmi, securing their spot in the next round of the tournament!

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – Hogan and Steelz handled the efforts of their debuting opponents, The Sea Stars, with great care and method. The Sea Stars, are a bit rough around the edges, but have ability. I enjoyed both of these teams for their passion and their gusto. This may not have been a technical masterpiece, but this was fast, compact tag wrestling that never had a lull in the pace. The fact that Vince McMahon, the geriatric f—k of my demented dreams, hasn’t booked enough women’s tag matches that are this good makes me respect how evil he is, because he’s clearly cut from the same vile cloth as a bastard like me. A part of me wanted to see the new gals get the nod, but I’d wager that having the established act win the day was a sound booking decision.

Match #2: Crazzy Steve def Rohit Raju

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Suicide answers the Defeat Rohit Challenge for a shot at the X-Division Championship but Rohit claims that someone undeserving of a title shot is underneath his mask. Rohit makes it a non-title match which Suicide agrees to. Rohit takes control by sending his opponent over the top rope to the floor. Rohit wears him down as he obsesses over removing the mask. On commentary, Matt Striker suggests that TJP may be under Suicide’s mask considering that he’s ineligible for an X-Division Title shot. Rohit finally rips off the mask but as he does, TJP appears on the ramp! Crazzy Steve reveals himself as the man behind Suicide’s mask and rolls up Rohit for three!

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – Oh God. Crazzy Steve fought Rohit Raju to a stand-still, because neither man has any talent. I kid! Raju wears the title well for a worthless mid-carder. Raju’s promo skills allow him to pretend that anyone would ever care about him in such a way that I can comfortably forget that he even exists. Steve is what happens when Prozac is crushed-up, powdered-out and snuffed-up… Look at that honker! We got a nice clash of styles here, with one aiming for lucha-lite and the other channeling a buoyant Greco-Roman dink with a stupid goatee. Raju even managed to sell his own offense while forgetting to sell the other man’s attacks. Raju must be busy being pathetic to remember to do his f—–g job like the chode that he is. Well, at least Crazy Steve won the bout, in what I’d call further proof that 2020 is horrible, terrible…and the greatest year ever! Don’t forget to wear your mask, losers!

Match #3: Kimber Lee w/ Deonna Purrazzo def Killer Kelly w/ Renee Michelle

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Killer Kelly and Renee Michelle prepare to compete in the Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament but first, Kelly faces IMPACT mainstay Kimber Lee. Meanwhile, Lee seems preoccupied after Su Yung sent her a terrifying message last week. Kelly traps the arms of Lee before delivering a double underhook slam. Kelly follows up with a running dropkick in the corner for two. Lee fights off her opponent, then connects with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Lee hits the top rope Swanton to win.

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – This was quite good in the first few minutes, due to the focus of grappling and submissions with proper transitions in use at all times. Lee looks like a punk rock queen twenty years after her binging days did damage. Lee works hard in that ring, but she is a bit slow and a bit sloppy these days. Kelly has that UFC vibe to her, which drew me in as a fan of the sport of MMA. Both of these athletes brought a lot to the table and made sure to set that table before sitting down to have a hearty meal of guts and determination. As a brief aside, Lee looks like the kind of person I would taken issue with during my punk days. Oh yes, mere mortal. I was a punker. That being said, I would quickly ascend to the peak of the heap by leaving the mosh pit, going outside, getting in my car and rushing back inside to run everybody over. I find that murder is a very effective way to deal with people who will be easily forgotten. I kid! You won’t forget the first two minutes of this match, ladies and gentlemen, but when it falls off into wrap-up territory, you’ll be upset that it all falls apart. That being said, this was a promising pairing that should be kept in mind for future cards.

Match #4: AJ Swoggle w/ Karl Anderson def Ethan Page w/ Josh Alexander

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

If Page can pick up the victory, he will earn a future Tag Team Championship opportunity for The North. Alexander distracts Swoggle from the outside, allowing Page to take control with a big boot. Page continues the assault with a cocky elbow drop. It looks as though Page has the match won but instead of going for the pin, he decides to add insult to injury. Anderson takes out Alexander at ringside. Page turns his back to Swoggle and pays for it as he rolls him up for three!

My Opinion: 0.2 out of 5 – F–kery! A midget beating a blue-chip stud like Ethan Page?! What an outrage! I want these fiends brought up on charges! Fraud! Deceit! Sabotage! AJ Swoggle?! I wouldn’t bother looking down beneath my boot-heel after smushing his wobbly little ass like the bug that he is! A pox! A pox I say! A pox on all of Impact Wrestling for this betrayal! I’ll bury this little booger of a man if I ever get my hands on his scrawny ass! Restitution!

Match #5: Fallah Bahh vs Daivari Ends in a No Contest

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The match is quickly thrown out after Eric Young and Joe Doering hit the ring and go on the attack! Doering eliminates Fallah with a modified Chokeslam while EY does the same to Daivari with a Piledriver. Rhino, who was taken out by Doering and EY last week, rushes the ring and tries to take them on but ultimately falls victim to the numbers game. This world doesn’t belong to us, it belongs to them.

My Opinion: 0 out of 5 – The match ended before it could ever begin, in much the same way Tina Fey always fails to write a good joke, because she has no sense of humor. 30 Rock?! Please! 30 Rock, The Office and Parks & Recreation are the same dismal show from the same lame losers! In any case, this was s—t.

Match #6: (Main Event) Rich Swann def Ken Shamrock w/ Sami Callihan – IMPACT World Title Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Callihan hooks the leg of Swann in the early going and the referee ejects him for his actions! Shamrock begins to pick Swann apart, laying in strikes with pinpoint accuracy. Shamrock stalks his opponent and locks in a series of submissions. Swann breaks the grip of Shamrock but the World’s Most Dangerous Man shuts down his momentum with a big boot. Swann finally gets the big man off his feet with multiple spinning wheel kicks. Swann follows up with Rolling Thunder for two. Swann soars through the air with huge top rope Frog Splash for another near fall. Shamrock locks in a choke but the champ reverses into a pin to score the victory!

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – I enjoyed this match, ladies and gentlemen. The contrast of aerial and striker actually made for a proper bout. The champion covered the spectacle and the challenger managed to provide the grounding necessary to keep this prize fight from flying away in the Wind of the Stupid. This felt like it had more juice in its tank, but we only got to see this sucker go 55 on a speed limit of 80, so I guess it doesn’t matter. The champion retained in sudden, yet satisfying fashion, so I am pleased with this.

News Of The Night:

  1. www.impactwrestling.com sites the following news items: XXXL battle the Motor City Machine Guns, Rohit Raju defends the X-Division Title against Crazzy Steve, Killer Kelly and Renee Michelle take on Jordynne Grace and Jazz in the Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament, Willie Mack goes one-on-one with Chris Bey and more, next week.
  2. Knockouts Champion Deonna Purrazzo and Kimber Lee enlist the help of Father James Mitchell to turn their Su problem into more of a Susie problem. Mitchell agrees to help – for a price.
  3. Brian Myers disrespects TJP, Crazzy Steve and AJ Swoggle, saying that this is not the IMPACT Wrestling he signed up for.
  4. Eric Young and Joe Doering attacked Fallah Bahh and Daivari.
  5. Lawrence D admited that he was the one who shot John E Bravo, because Bravo was going to marry the woman of his dreams, Rosemary.

Final Verdict: 2.6/5

The main event was the lone high-light of note here, with too much dumb comedy for this great man’s sake. Well, you pathetic fools, I leave you now with this thought: I am God.

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