30th Sep2020

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 29th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and I used to be the lead tambourinist for the Christian rock group “Dick-Cheese”, but they were into God and stuff, so I dumped them. God has no place in a Christian rock group! In the name of God…let us begin the matches! Carpe Dentum! Seize the teeth!

Match #1: Taya Valkyrie & Rosemary def Havok & Nevaeh

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

As Taya Valkyrie and Rosemary continue to plan her wedding with John E Bravo, they must now face the wrath of Havok and Nevaeh. Rosemary needs Father James Mitchell to officiate her demon wedding but Havok eliminated him in the Undead Realm. When Rosemary tried to enlist her help in order to revive Mitchell, the Kaiju Queen became enraged. The terrifying duo of Havok and Nevaeh wear down Taya, cutting off the ring in the process. Havok connects with a backbreaker, followed by a clothesline. Taya breaks free and makes the tag to the Demon Assassin, who hits a pair of Slingblades. Rosemary locks in the Upside Down on Havok to do some serious damage. Rosemary flies off the top with a crossbody. Taya hits the Road to Valhalla on Nevaeh to pick up the win.

My Opinion: 2.6 out of 5 – This was a fun few minutes that got four fighters some TV time, but it was nothing that would get the masses to turn their wandering eye in their collective direction. My masseuse, Madame Baulshert, always used to tell me that if I didn’t pay her $2000 up front, that she’d make my balls hurt. That’s how I feel about this match…I want more up front, or I’ll make your balls hurt. Let these wrestlers have more time to wrestle, or you’ll get punched in the Melvin Van Peeble…’cuz it’s BADASS! Well, that’s enough of this match.

Match #2: Jordynne Grace def Tenille Dashwood w/ Kaleb With a K

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This is a rematch from last week’s IMPACT! main event. In their first meeting, the returning Tenille Dashwood picked up the victory, albeit not without the help of some interference from her personal photographer, Kaleb With a K. Jordynne is dominant in the early going as she hits a strong Irish whip into the corner turnbuckles. Tenille gains control with a neckbreaker on the ropes. Tenille targets the throat of Thicc Mama Pump as she puts in a series of illegal chokes. Jordynne turns the tide with multiple running strikes, followed by a splash for two. Jordynne is stuck in the Tree of Woe, allowing Tenille to charge into the corner with a crossbody. Kaleb once again gets on the apron, causing the distraction but lightning doesn’t strike twice as Jordynne counters into a submission, forcing Tenille to tap.

My Opinion: 3.6 out of 5 – This was a fine match to have stuffed into eight or so minutes of action. These two put on a match that was faster and more efficient, while also being smart and creative…like nitro pumped in a chipmunk. BOOM! The crazy f………uckers exploded! Grace and Dashwood had a real snappy sort of fight, like hookers in a pre-school full of dynamite. BOOM! The crazy f………uckers exploded! I wanted to hate this match, if only because I’m an evil man, but I couldn’t, because I’m now a woman and I can’t hate anyone…except for EVERYBODY! I HATE YOU ALL AND THIS MATCH WAS OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

Match #3: Good Brothers (Doc Gallows & Karl Anderson) def Rascalz (Dez & Wentz)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

As the stacked tag team division jockeys for position on the road to Bound for Glory, a win here could move either team closer to a coveted Tag Team Championship opportunity against the Motor City Machine Guns. Gallows connects with a massive clothesline, turning Dez inside out. Gallows follows up with a delayed vertical suplex as he continues the beatdown on Dez. Anderson gets in on the action as the Good Brothers employ frequent tags during the wear-down process. The Rascalz create separation, allowing Wentz to tag into the match. Wentz hits a top rope double foot stomp but Anderson gets his knees up on the follow-up Hot Fire Flame. The Good Brothers connect with the Magic Killer on Dez to score the victory.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was a solid match that had a lot of pep to it, but no pizza rolls and glazed dough-nuts (Thanksgiving dinner). I liked seeing Karl and Doc knock The Pot Brownies down a notch (before the fuzz got there). If you like a match that is based on a clash of power and speed, then you will go Bango Tango for this Oingo Boingo.

Match #4: Johnny Swinger def Fallah Bahh – Winner Becomes John E Bravo’s Best Man

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The groomsmen and bridal party for the wedding of John E Bravo and Rosemary are at ringside for this match where the winner will officially become Bravo’s best man. Fallah was originally selected by Bravo but Swinger wants the spot for himself. Fallah corners Swinger and pummels him with chops, then follows up with a back body drop. Swinger attempts to powerslam the big man but to no avail. Fallah hits a leg drop for two. Swinger stomps on the hand of Cody Deaner at ringside. Deaner gets up on the apron, inadvertently distracting the referee. Swinger uses Crazzy Steve’s monkey as a weapon to defeat Fallah and become Bravo’s best man.

My Opinion: 0 out of 5 – Eh… this was shit. The action was lousy and it was all over before it could mean anything.

Match #5: Fallah Bahh def Johnny Swinger – Winner Becomes John E Bravo’s Best Man

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Fallah sits on Swinger in the corner to pick up the quick win and retain his title of Bravo’s best man.

My Opinion: 0 out of 5 – Eh… Again this was shit. The action was lousy and it was all over, again, before it could mean anything. Again.

Match #6: (Main Event) The North (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander) def Ace Austin & Madman Fulton

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Just like the Good Brothers did earlier tonight, both of these teams are seeking victory in hopes of securing a Tag Team Championship opportunity against the Motor City Machine Guns. Fulton hits the ropes but Alexander catches him in the back with a knee. The North halt Fulton’s momentum by jumping him on the outside with a double team assault. Ace and Fulton continue their beatdown of Alexander inside the ring. The North build momentum with an impressive combination powerbomb. In an incredible feat of strength, Alexander gets the big man Fulton up for a German suplex. The pace quickens as Ace and Page tag in, leading to a springboard kick from Ace. The Inevitable one launches himself off the shoulders of Fulton, hitting an elevated splash on Alexander. Page throws Alexander into the legs of Fulton, allowing The North to isolate Ace and connect with The Northern Assault to win.

My Opinion: 3.8 out of 5 – This was a snappy, visceral fight that was a star making moment for Ethan Page, who has improved at everything over the past year. Hell, I think everybody kicked ass here. This was all action, like that Jaden Smith music video where he bites Babar The Talking F………ucking Elephant, and I liked it as much as I liked watching Jaden Smith bite Babar The Talking F………ucking Elephant.

News Of The Night:

  1. Su Yung might be coming back.
  2. Ken Shamrock attacked Eddie Edwards, with the help of Sami Callihan.
  3. Rich Swann has been officially cleared to compete at Bound For Glory.
  4. EC3 will be here next week to destroy the TNA World Title.
  5. Next week’s matches are:
    Motor City Machine Guns vs. Ace Austin & Madman Fulton
    Kiera Hogan & Tasha Steelz vs. Rosemary & Taya Valkyrie
  6. The matches for Victory Road are:
    Jordynne Grace vs. Tenille Dashwood
    Brian Myers vs. Tommy Dreamer
    Rhino & Heath vs. Reno Scum – Unsanctioned Match
    The Defeat Rohit Challenge (Presumably For The Impact X-Division Title) With Rohit Raju
    Deonna Purrazzo vs. Susie/Su Yung – Impact Knockouts Championship Match
    Eric Young vs. Eddie Edwards – Impact World Championship Match

Final Verdict: 3.3/5

This performed the function of building toward two Pay Per Views, but it all felt slapped together at the last minute. That being said, at least this was efficient TV…mostly.


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