03rd Aug2020

Friday Night Smackdown – July 31st 2020: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Greetings dweebs and losers! “Smart” Mark D. Mark here, filling in for Nathan Favel, who is busy crying about his mom still being dead. I say, “Boo-Hoo, sir!” Yes, this review will be credited to Nathan Favel, because his generation gets everything handed to them like the miscreant pussies that they are. Let me just say to you all, that this review will be a master-class in critiquing and in the art of review. On this episode of Friday Night SmackDown, we have AJ Styles defending the Intercontinental Title against Gran Metalik, who sounds like an auto-shop breakfast cereal. Who names these morons? In the main event, we have Bayley defending her SmackDown Women’s Title against Nikki Cross, who seems dead-set on giving PMS something to aspire to if her erratic attitude is any indication. Let’s get on already with this millennial thirst trap called “Friday Night SmackDown” before I hurl.

Match #1: AJ Styles def. Gran Metalik – Intercontinental Championship Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

He’s “The Face that Runs the Place,” and AJ Styles proved it once again against Gran Metalik. The Lucha House Party member sought a huge breakthrough by claiming the Intercontinental Title, but it was clear from the start that Styles did his homework. The Phenomenal One was methodical in his attack against The King of the Ropes and neutralized the aerial assault. Styles remained in control, but Metalik’s hunger motivated him to battle back and nearly secure the win on multiple occasions. Gran Metalik made one final effort from the skies, but Styles was waiting and entangled the challenger in a debilitating Calf Crusher that forced the tapout. The Intercontinental Champion added one final exclamation point with a Styles Clash for Lince Dorado before exiting the ring.

My Opinion: 3.6 out of 5 – This match was thrilling entertainment with a focus on proper pacing, which is not always the case with these so-called “luchadors”. For those of you who lament seeing this potential burst of riveting action being brought to a more moderate pace, I say you’re just stupid fools. Greg Valentine used to take an hour to do a suplex and it was called “build”, ladies and gentlemen, “build”. We wrestling fans used to salivate over the suspense of one move being teased and implemented at just the right time, but you all demand more than one move a minute now, because you are buffoons. AJ Styles, who dressed like a lesbian soccer mom for this occasion, directed traffic for this contest and it was the better for it. Our champion feels like a true prize fighter and one that can compete with any challenger, like Sissy Carbrone, my personal stripper and daughter. I am so pleased that the usual mentality of a luchador like Gran Metalik was not the dominant thesis of this match’s statement, that being “work fast and often so we get paid more”. What a wonderful start to this gutter-trash malarkey program and I hope we don’t change course to something more youth-oriented (flashy moves for their own sake/glitter pants).

Match #2: King Corbin def. Drew Gulak

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Jeff Hardy was ready for a moment of redemption, but King Corbin had his own plan and interrupted the heartfelt address to the WWE Universe. Drew Gulak took exception and attacked the royal Superstar to set up the in-ring showdown. The emergence of Matt Riddle nearly allowed Gulak to swoop in for the win, but Corbin angrily regrouped and landed an End of Days to secure the win.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – Drew Gulak was a house of fire here, carrying the meager Corbin to a fine five minute encounter. Gulak was a wrestling machine, rather like the Los Angeles Police Department when they see a black man buying groceries. Now, make no mistake about my feelings on the so-called King Corbin, for Corbin worked hard here to not look the dandy out in the ring. This was Gulak’s ring and his moment to show why he is so talented. I refuse to see Gulak as anything other than one of the best and if you see fit to feel otherwise, then may your eyes fall out and your hair grow brittle and your teeth shoot-up your nose until you are forced to breathe your own foul breath.

Match #3: Big E def. The Miz

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

With Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods both injured, it’s Big E’s time to shine. The New Day member didn’t ease into his solo run, as he faced one of the most accomplished Superstars of the last decade in a battle with The Miz. A slap from The A-Lister enraged Big E, and he put his opponent on the run. Without New Day there to back up Big E, John Morrison inserted himself into the action with a mind-blowing parkour attack and kick on the ropes. The Guru of Greatness was ejected from the exterior, and the odds moved back in Big E’s favor. Big E showed off his abilities by ending the match with a crushing submission hold on The Miz. Even solo, it remains clear: Big E rocks.

My Opinion: 3.7 out of 5 – When you see an incredible match, you should react as such: yippee. Big E was a gyrating, pulsating, evisceration machine that did more damage to The Miz’s Justin Timberlake-like rat face than my house concubine, Kim Chee, did to my laundry when she didn’t read the directions that I wrote for her. Many would wonder if Miz could keep-up with a gifted athlete like E, but he managed to tap into that same energy he once displayed as our WWE World Champion. So much of this became a trial in intensity, which is never a bad foundation for the third act of a match (or a tryst with a loose woman). I could watch Big E destroy puny humans all day, much like how I used to watch my father assault the Santa Claus at the mall for being a lazy, fat, blow-hard, old fart.

Match #4: Naomi def. Lacey Evans

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

The WWE Universe wants better for Naomi, and on Friday Night SmackDown, she delivered right back for them. Lacey Evans ruthlessly attacked The Glow early, hoping to send her own dominant message back to the masses. The Sassy Southern Belle went back to the well by again tying her opponent’s hair to the ropes, but this time, Naomi anticipated the Woman’s Right and rolled up Evans for the win.

My Opinion: 2.8 out of 5 – This was short but accomplished, with Naomi performing with such exuberance, like Ed Gein when he realized that woman suit he made didn’t make his ass look fat after all. Evans did better than usual and made for a solid opponent for the more exciting Naomi, who shines like a microwave in an atom bomb test.

Match #5: (Main Event) Bayley def. Nikki Cross – SmackDown Woman’s Championship Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Nikki Cross put her relationship with Alexa Bliss on the line for one more rematch with Bayley. And after the conclusion of the latest title showdown, that partnership may be shattered for good. Cross’ crazed approach once again had her on the offensive early, and it appeared the elusive title victory may finally be within reach. After a roll-up attempt from the challenger, Bayley planted Cross face-first into the mat and retained the title. Bliss tried to console her friend, but Cross was crushed after the latest defeat and shoved Five Feet of Fury to the mat. A confused Bliss was left alone in the middle of the ring. That is until “The Fiend” Bray Wyatt emerged, hovering above the Superstar in distress, and the demonic figure delivered a Mandible Claw to a stunned Bliss.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was an excellent fracas of steady, brisk action from a top-notch champion and a wonderfully bizarre challenger. Unlike that cess-pool known as New York City, this match was worth the time, because you get wrestling action that is like popping a cork on a waiter beaten with the bottle or a pimp who got stabbed by his “employee”. There’s an endless array of mayhem here that will hearken back to the prize fights of old, when you’d do whatever you had to to win the title, integrity be damned. The champion retained and should have, which means that this was an success.

News Of The Night:

  1. King Corbin is feuding with Jeff Hardy now.
  2. Sheamus has waged war with the whole SmackDown roster.
  3. Chad Gable was convinced by King Corbin to assault Matt Riddle, which turned Gable in a greedy heel.
  4. Nikki Cross teased turning heel on Alexa Bliss after her title loss.
  5. Bray Wyatt attacked Alexa Bliss at the end of the show.
  6. Sonya Deville attacked and cut the hair of Mandy Rose as penance for feeling slighted by her friend.
  7. Miz & Morrison were teased to be feuding with Heavy Machinery when Mr. Money In The Bank himself, Otis, was seeing to the medical attention of his girlfriend, Mandy Rose.

Final Verdict: 3.7/5

This was a strong episode of SmackDown that needed a bit more wrestling, but did deliver enough that next week’s program doesn’t seem to depressing to wait for. Nathan Favel will be back for next week, because he is a simpering, whimpering idiot.


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