17th Jul2020

‘All Elite Wrestling: Dark’ Review (July 14th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s All Elite Wrestling: Dark review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and “I’m Not In Love, But I Called You Up, Just To See If Things Are Goin’ Well”, because you’re getting a BRAND NEW SUBMARINE!!!!!!! Brian Cage defends the FTW (doesn’t stand for that “For The Win” nonsense, by the way) World Title against Brian Pillman Jr., so don’t ask about that Daredevil TV show, because it bored me (fight scenes kicked ass though).

Match #1: The Nightmare Sisters (Allie and Brandi Rhodes with Dustin Rhodes) def. Diamante and Rache Chanel

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This was a weak match that saw Diamante kicks some ass and Allie followed along right behind her. There’s some-thing here with Rache, but she doesn’t have enough immediate talent to be on TV yet. That being said, Rache has a weird, 1996 Booker T stance that she has when she fights that she isn’t quite using to the fullest yet. Rache needs to move faster out there to cover the weaknesses she has with her offense or she’ll just look like an amateur the whole time. Brandi oughta focus on standing submission moves and uppercuts, since she is still struggling with speed and convincing grapples. I’m done being a stuck-up bitch. This was okay.

Match #2: Ricky Starks def. Robert Anthony

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This was kinda soulless, but the mechanics were right on the money for what should have been a longer, marquee match between two top-notch fighters. Ricky and Robert used a lot of smooth transitions to get from one place to another. I sound like a Tylenol commercial. There’s a lot of sound wrestling action here, but not enough zest to keep this from being a lemon (a tart one at that).

Match #3: Dark Order def. Joe Alonzo, Shawn Dean and Will Hobbs

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – This was a fast ten or so minutes that had lots of quick action, but not much in the way of brains. I hate this Dark Order gimmick, because it robs the wrestlers of their identities and of their personal touch. Carol Channing could beat your ass, so screw you, rock n’ roll 8-track tapes and this match was not bad.

Match #4: Marko Stunt def. Michael Nakazawa

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – Where’s my money? Where’s my money? Huh? WHERE’S MY MONEY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU GONNA GET MY MONEY?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, while you get my money, we’ve got Stunt and Nakazawa clobberin’ each other in true Dragon Gate fashion, because it’s Tuesday damn it. I don’t like all the weird Nakazawa thong shit, but he can wrestle and so can Stunt, so I can live with it…for now. You can expect plenty of hard-hitting action once you get to the second act of this six/seven minute match, so don’t get discouraged by the gross crotch stuff from Nakazawa. All in all, this was fairly competitive and that’s pretty good to me.

Match #5: Dr. Luther and Serpentico def. Brady Pierce and Pineapple Pete (Suge D)

My Opinion: 1.6 out of 5 – Luther shouldn’t be in the ring right now (he can’t move well), but snake-knob did a fine job giving Pierce and Pete some-thing to work with. Michael Shannon has a scary face and this long squash squashed my love of the movie “Virtuosity”…no it didn’t…nothing could.

Match #6: Jurassic Express def. Brandon Cutler and Peter Avalon

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – While no genius bout in any way, this was a blast of freaky energy that can only be explained by one thing: a tumor. JE did their dinosaur shit all over the place, while Cutler and his librarian cohort, Avalon, bumped like crazy for the Richard Attenborough gang from bell to bell. This was a case of another long squash, which coulda fed fifty people, but will instead just bore an old whore like me. Well, that’s the end of that chapter…

Match #7: (Main Event) Brian Cage def. Brian Pillman Jr. – FTW World Championship Match

My Opinion: 2.7 out of 5 – As squashes go, this was dynamite (HA!). That being said, if I was Pillman and I was being jobbed out in quick matches like this one, I’d be a bit reluctant to sign with AEW, because if they won’t even let me go and be competitive against a big star, then why would I trust them to do that for me when I was under contract? Well, at least this was exciting for the two or so minutes that this was on the air.

News Of The Night:

  1. Shawn Spears revealed that the glove he is wearing is one that has been worn by many great wrestlers over the years.

Final Verdict: 2.5/5

This was middling TV (on the internet) that didn’t have enough competitive bouts on it to make it worth watching, but neither did American Idol (stupid brats).


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