17th Apr2020

‘All Elite Wrestling: Dynamite’ Review (April 15th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s AEW: Dynamite review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and Joy Behar said that the Michigan protesters should be willing to give up their right to be tested, since they protested the governor over the weekend. Anyway, f— Joy Behar and let’s get to the wrestling, damn it.

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Match #1: Lance Archer defeated Colt Cabana – TNT Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Colt and Archer met face to face in the ring and Archer belted Colt with a stiff shot, knocking him off his feet before the bell rang. Colt tried to fight back with strikes of his own but Archer rocked Colt again. “Colt’s not going to back down. He’s a veteran,” said Schiavone. Colt fired up and started chopping Archer’s chest. This only angered Archer, who plowed into Colt with a shoulder block. Colt wrenched Archer with a wristlock. Colt ran into the corner but Archer caught him midflight and manhandled him right down to the mat! “Colt is going to have to change his style here because Archer just wants to fight,” noted Chris Jericho. Archer raked Colt’s eyes. Archer caught a chop from Colt and turned it into a lariat. Archer was dropping fists onto Colt. While Colt was on his knees, Archer dared him to punch him in the face! Colt gave it a shot, but Archer shrugged it off. Archer spun off the turnbuckle and splashed onto Colt! “Colt’s not going to give up,” said Le Champion. Colt moved out of the way from a big splash from Archer. Colt nailed Archer with an elbow right on the dome and followed up with flying head scissors! Colt scored a close near fall on Archer. Colt tossed in some jabs at Archer, but Archer just smiled. “He likes being hit in the face. He likes being punched,” said Schiavone. Archer ran into Colt, nearly pouncing him right out of his boots! He chokeslammed Colt. Archer pinned Colt after the blackout, propelling him into the semifinals of the tournament! “Colt Cabana had a good showing but Lance Archer is going to be tough to beat,” said Jericho.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – These guys had a nice match, like a sheep in a blender made of walrus ass. What the hell did that mean? Why am I asking you? You don’t speak stupid. Fortunately, Colt and Lance didn’t wrestle stupid; they wrestled smart. This was an even bout that favored Lance like an elk drinks piss. See? You don’t speak stupid, so you don’t know what that means. Hell I speak stupid and I’m too stupid to figure it out. Well, ten years ago this match woulda been just on the pale side of dull, but now it just Valerie’s my Perrine. Hard-hitting and gushing with adrenaline, this…gushing with adrenaline? F—…it’s good, okay?

Match #2: Dr. Britt Baker defeated Cassandra Golden

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Hikaru Shida was watching from the ringside area behind the barricade. Anna Jayy was also in the crowd. Baker kicked Golden’s knee out from under her. She followed up with a superkick! Golden was draped over the middle rope while Baker pushed down with her bodyweight, putting pressure on Golden’s esophagus. Baker forced Golden to bite onto the bottom rope and then stomped the back of her head! Baker then pinned Golden for the victory. “Look at that! She’s going to need a root canal,” said Jericho.

My Opinion: 1.8 out of 5 – This went, what, a minute?

Match #3: Sammy Guevara defeated Sugar Dunkerton

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Guevara started with an impressive go-behind and then a float-over on Suge. Sammy floored Suge with a big knee to the face. Sammy clubbed Suge with a forearm to the lumbar region, and then a kick. Sammy sent Suge crashing to the mat with a standing vertical suplex. Sammy turned Suge inside out with a lariat. Suge moved out of the way of a splash, and then ducked a punch from Sammy. Suge followed up with some offense but it was short-lived as Sammy countered with a running knee to Suge’s head. Sammy had Suge up in an inverted torture rack and then dropped Suge right on his knee! This was more than enough for Sammy to finish off Suge.

My Opinion: 2.8 out of 5 – This was a decent match that showed some signs of life, but needed some more time and better promotion of Sugar than “Pineapple Pete”. Sammy is kinda spinning his wheels at this point in AEW and needs a title shot desperately. As for the match, it came together well enough kept the ball rollin’ for the rest of the card, but it was a novelty match to capitalize on the Chris Jericho/Pineapple Pete bit (likely the bit was started to give this match some juice). Whole lotta nuthin’ goin’ on…

Match #4: Kip Sabian defeated Chuck Taylor

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

The match began with excellent chain wrestling, but Chuck got the best of it after a shoulder block. Kip stopped Chuck’s momentum after he caught him with a kick from the second turnbuckle. Chuckie T. fired up and dropped an elbow onto Kip. He lit up Kip’s chest in the corner with knife-edged chops. Chuck stepped out of the way of a baseball slide dropkick from Kip to the outside. Chuck Taylor set up Kip for a suplex and dropped him on the edge of the ring! Kip moved out of the way of a moonsault attempt from Chuck and then connected with a missile dropkick. Kip hit European uppercuts onto Chuck. Kip threw Chuck to the outside of the ring where Penelope Ford kicked him with her heels on. Back in the ring, Kip worked over Chuck’s back with more knees. Chuck was stuck on the top turnbuckle but fought Kip off him. Chuck attempted a moonsault but landed on his feet. He was able to follow up with a sit-out powerbomb to Kip for a near fall. Chuck called for the Falcon Arrow but Kip slipped behind. Kip ran into Chuckie who used Kip’s momentum against him, sending him crashing to the mat with another sit-out powerbomb. Chuck missed a double stomp from the top rope and Kip blasted him with a knee and a right cross for a two-count. Kip, frustrated, began windmilling punches onto Chuck’s back. Chuck countered Kip’s swinging DDT, but was distracted by Penelope Ford, who had climbed onto the ring apron. Orange Cassidy jumped onto the ring apron to do the same to Kip. Jimmy Havoc jumped the barricade and spiked Cassidy onto the ground! Penelope Ford connected with a top rope hurracarana onto Chuck as the ref had her back turned. Kip rolled up Chuckie T. for the victory!

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – These two had a nice, slow one that played it safe and had a good time doing so. Like Nelson Mandela said, “I’m not dead, damn it!” Bob Fosse once remarked that wrestling is like peeing in a Kristen Stewart baseball cap. Wait…no he didn’t. Kip worked hard to give Chuck a good night and, while they didn’t quite have the match they deserved, it still was fun for the time it got in the ring.

Match #5: Shawn Spears defeated Justin Law

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Spears sized up Law before the bell rang. He snapmared Law over. Spears sandwiched Law into the corner and the beating started. Spears finished Law with a running C4 for the three-count, not even taking the time to remove his t-shirt for the match. This was a quick and decisive victory for Spears. He didn’t even break a sweat.

My Opinion: 1.6 out of 5 – Justin Law…sounds like a low-budget Roger Corman action picture. This didn’t go very long or mean very much, but they both tried.

Match #6: (Main Event) Jon Moxley defeated Jake Hager – No Holds Barred Empty Arena Match For The AEW World Title

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Jim Ross was on commentary by himself for the main event. Paul Turner was the official for the match. “Jake Hager has been training for an MMA fight in Bellator since February. He’s lean. He’s got great cardio,” noted J.R. Mox walked to the ring holding his heavyweight championship title. “If this goes outside and becomes unconventional, I like Moxley in his very first title defense since defeating Le Champion Chris Jericho back at REVOLUTION,” said Jim Ross. Both wrestlers began feeling each other out as the match began. Mox got the first takedown with a quick back heel trip on Hager. Moxley was looking for wrist control and then some submission action, but Hager got a rope break. Hager pulled out and gave a stiff right hand to Moxley. Mox changed levels, trying to control the right ankle of Hager. After a clean break, Hager’s knees found their mark in Mox’s abdomen. Mox started chopping back, and then dropped several elbows onto Hager’s head. Moxley gave up a wristlock in favor of an STF. Hager slipped out of it and started working over Mox’s lower abdomen again with clean shots. The two right-handers slugged it out in the middle of the ring! Mox tossed Hager over the top rope to the outside. “This might be more in Moxley’s world,” noted Jim Ross. Mox hit a plancha onto Hager to the outside and went for the cross arm-breaker. Hager escaped and started dropping sledgehammers onto Moxley. The two began brawling, with Hager whipping Mox into the barricade. Mox raked Hager’s eyes and then flipped Hager over the security railing. Mox attempted a Gotch-style piledriver onto the concrete floor but Hager reversed it with a backdrop. “The concrete is remorseless,” said Ross. Hager kicked Mox square in the jaw! He connected with a straight right hand to Mox’s jawline. Mox fired up with big time forearms and knee shots. Hager went on the defense, blocking most of the knees. Mox applied the figure-four leg lock onto Mox as his legs were wrapped around a guardrail. “Hager went down but he doesn’t stay down,” said Ross. Mox had Hager in a front facelock but then the challenger whipped Mox into the guardrail. He dropped Mox shoulder-first onto the guardrail. Mox spat at Hager! Hager hurled Mox into the steel ring steps. Back in the ring, Mox moved out of the way of a Hager-bomb and followed up with a nice running knee! After the two combatants traded forearms and knees, Hager planted Mox with a gut wrench powerbomb for a two-count! Like a locomotive, Hager ran into Mox again and again! Mox momentarily neutralized Hager with a running clothesline. Mox went for another Gotch-style piledriver but Hager picked the ankle and went for the ankle lock. Mox countered with an inside cradle for a two-count! Hager jumped off the turnbuckle and Mox caught him with a DDT! Mox went to roll-up Hager but Hager countered with a chokehold submission! Mox grabbed the rope and got the break. “It’s anybody’s ballgame here,” said J.R. Mox was on his knees with Hager standing above him. Mox encouraged Hager to punch him. “Yeah?” asked Hager. Hager answered the call. Hager then took a steel chair to Mox’s abdomen. Hager placed the steel chair between the second and third turnbuckles. Mox charged Hager who sidestepped him. Mox ran headfirst into the steel chair! Hager got a two-count here. “He almost won it again,” said Jim Ross. Hager swung the chair at Mox’s ankle, and then put the ankle lock on Mox! Mox countered, taking down Hager, trying to get a submission from the bottom. Hager was able to power up and hoisted Mox up to his feet. They began exchanging strikes again! Hager used a low blow on Mox, but Mox slung a chair at Hager’s face, and then dropped him onto the chair with the Paradigm Shift! Jon Moxley covered Jake Hager and pinned him for the three-count!

My Opinion: 3.7 out of 5 – This was a fine match that was all about wrestling ability and I liked it. They didn’t do the cheap brawl around the arena and actually stuck to the wrestling. Watching two guys grapple for a half hour might be trying on some folks, but it suited me down to the gooch. Hager looked quite good and Moxley showed the side of himself that put him on the map in the first place. Like Catherine Zeta-Jones in a barrel of Kate Beckinsales, I had a good time with this intense, taut, tightly-wrestled fight to the finish.

Final Verdict: 3.4/5

The main event was the reason to watch this, but the show was fun in its way.

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