14th Apr2020

WWE Raw – April 13th 2020: Results & Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Monday Night Raw review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and Florida declared that the WWE is essential business, so I guess the check had enough zeros on it. Hey, at least we get some fresh wrestling every week. As long as these guys want to do this and are being safe, then they’ve got my support. Hey, we’ve got Money In The Bank build-up to get to, you silver-crotched devil you.

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Match #1: Asuka def. Ruby Riott – Women’s Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Losing the WWE Women’s Tag Team Championships seems to have done little to slow down Asuka. The Empress of Tomorrow looked like her old savage self against Liv Morgan last week, and she earned a much more consequential win against Ruby Riott to gain entry into her first Women’s Money in the Bank Ladder Match. And judging by what she did to Riott, this first-timer is going to be a problem. The former leader of The Riott Squad (ill-advisedly) demanded “the real Asuka” after The Empress was caught dancing to her theme song, and Ruby got what she wanted. Asuka battled back from a deficit to lock Riott in the Asuka Lock for a tapout victory, after which she delivered a frenzied warning to her opponents. Good luck to everyone else, for they will need it.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was pretty good and had some time to get good as well. Riott looked the best she’s looked in some time. These guys fought each other as hard as the Fogerty brothers do like an Old Man Down The Road in a Rumble In The Jungle. Asuka is a crazy f—–. There isn’t a second of this match that’ll make you wanna look away, so tak that for what you will. All in all, this wasn’t bad at all and even felt like it was worth a second viewing.

Match #2: Aleister Black def. Oney Lorcan

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Anybody who has looked at Oney Lorcan’s Twitter feed for five minutes knows the man loves a good scrap, and he doesn’t seem to take it too personally if he loses. Luckily for him on both fronts, he was facing Aleister Black. The Boston Brawler probably couldn’t have drawn a more vicious opponent for his second Raw match in as many weeks, and he more than rose to the occasion in a grueling, competitive bout. Lorcan wisely tried to keep The Dutch Destroyer ensnared in a grappling contest to take away Black’s striking ability, but both Superstars eventually abandoned the pretense and started throwing hands, with Aleister connecting with the deciding Black Mass. It’s the same fate that may well await Austin Theory, whom Black will face next week in a Money in the Bank qualifier.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – Easy to watch and fun to jerk off to…I really wish that delete button worked. Like Karen Allen once said to her agent, “Please, get me work.” This has all sorts of Romeo and Juliet stuff going on, because these guys had a real banger! HA! There, I’m like all the other nerds that do this for a dollar an hour. The work…entertainment…hoss fight…f…oh, this sucks…nerds. Black and Oney could s— this match out at 90 miles an hour and it would still be fun to watch. Do you need me to tell you that they did great mat wrestling? I miss the 1990s, but not the last twenty years. Do you got any spare change? I liked this match.

Match #3: Shayna Baszler def. Sarah Logan (Match Stoppage) – Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

To say Shayna Baszler is angry might be an understatement. The Queen of Spades was defeated — some might say upset — by Raw Women’s Champion Becky Lynch at WrestleMania in such a fashion that all Baszler could say during a post-match interview was “the thrill of victory” and “the agony of defeat.” And, in her first match since The Showcase of the Immortals, Baszler savaged Sarah Logan to earn her way into the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. It’s difficult to imagine that Baszler wasn’t thinking of Lynch, who ruthlessly mocked the two-time NXT Women’s Champion moments before Shayna took the ring. Shayna rained down blows on Logan’s head and stomped her elbow into such an unnatural angle that the ref called off the match. Baszler then stormed through the WWE Performance Center, clearly poised to once again feel the thrill of victory and hand everyone else a big helping of the other thing.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – Shayna ripped Sarah’s head off, because… this was a squash match.

Match #4: Austin Theory def. Akira Tozawa

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

You could make the argument that Austin Theory didn’t lose anything by coming up short at WrestleMania — by being entered into his match at the last minute, the appearance was a win in and of itself. Clearly, Theory isn’t buying that … well, theory. All Day put on an impressive performance against Akira Tozawa with Zelina Vega in tow in what was both a validation of La Muñeca’s patronage and, crucially, a taste of things to come. Of course, Zelina has never lacked for confidence in her stable, but Theory certainly performed as advertised. The five-tool prodigy outdid Tozawa in the early goings and rallied from a furious sprint by the former WWE Cruiserweight Champion to win the match with the ATL, much to the delight of fellow clients Andrade and Angel Garza, who joined Theory for a post-match beatdown of The Stamina Monster — to say nothing of the delight of the woman who brought them together.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – My girlfriend said she was pregnant and I asked if it was hers and she said I was stupid…I don’t get it. AT 1 and AT 2, who are a lazy Dr. Seuss joke for a writer who is a coke line away from forgetting what he’s talking about, made for a fine pairing that should get put back together. Theory can get a lot from Tozawa in this league and Tozawa could use the fresh dance partner. Hey, this was bad at all and was good to boot.

Match #5: Angel Garza def. Tehuti Miles

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Austin Theory made quite the statement against Akira Tozawa, but one of Zelina Vega’s other clients, Angel Garza, had the most fun. The former NXT Cruiserweight Champion was a whirling dervish of charisma and brutality against NXT’s Tehuti Miles, a Philadelphia product who was completely overwhelmed by the self-styled lothario. Making eyes at the ringside photographer and blowing kisses to the audience at home, Garza barely allowed Miles a minute of offense, quickly seizing control with a gorgeous dropkick and eventually sealing the win with the Wing Clipper. Much like earlier, Andrade and Theory joined in for an extra-credit attack against Miles. Whether that’s a sign of what awaits Drew McIntyre remains to be seen, but tonight definitely won’t be the last time we see this.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – Garza gave the…Tiger King is stupid. Garza is…Joe Exotic is a moron. Garza…did Joe Exotic f— the tigers or something? Sorry…Garza won and deserved to win, because he is just too damn good. Michael Cimino’s Desperate Hours is better than Tiger King and this squash match looked alright, thanks to Angel Garza.

Match #6: Nia Jax def. Kairi Sane – Women’s Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Grant us the confidence of Kairi Sane going into battle against Nia Jax, if not the results. The former WWE Women’s Tag Team Champion openly felt good about her chances against The Irresistible Force with a Money in the Bank berth on the line, but Jax quickly dashed her hopes in the final qualifying match of the evening. That means we won’t get a Kabuki Warriors twofer in the match, but we will get Jax, who is on a monstrous tear ever since her return from double knee surgery last week. Ironically, she hasn’t lost a step. Despite Asuka’s spirited support from the locker room area, Sane was rag-dolled around the ring and finally put down with Jax’s new signature move, the Annihilator.

My Opinion: 2.2 out of 5 – Why did Sane have to lose to the chick who looks like she ate the Man Who Shot Liberty Vallance? If Nia could wrestle better, than he victory here would be fine, but she needs to be back down in the lower-tier where she can practice without hurting any-one. I hope that I’m just over-reacting and that Nia is ready for this new push, because it’s happening whether I like it or not. This was lame for a squash, but not bad enough for me to blow a gasket over either.

Match #7: Bobby Lashley def. No Way Jose

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Bobby Lashley was less than pleased with Lana as both a manager and, seemingly, a wife at WrestleMania, as her coaching inadvertently led him straight into Aleister Black’s foot. The All Mighty took steps to rectify the situation on Raw, calmly but firmly asking Lana to quiet down at ringside. The decision landed them in a brief tiff that nearly got Lashley rolled up by No Way Jose, but luckily for Lashley’s marriage, he kicked out and Speared The Dominican Dancing Machine for the win. Lana seemed to forgive Lashley’s frustration, raising his hand atop the ramp, and if The All Mighty didn’t look at least a little exasperated, he was clearly happy to get a win — literally and figuratively.

My Opinion: 1.7 out of 5 – Skip this s—.

Match #8: The Viking Raiders def. Ricochet & Cedric Alexander

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Just as Ricochet & Cedric Alexander were beginning to make some waves in the Tag Team division, here come The Viking Raiders to remind them of the pecking order: The former Raw Tag Team Champions effectively grounded Raw’s incredibly popular new tag team, making it abundantly clear that they are looking to reclaim the titles. For all the very impressive efforts Ricochet & Alexander put together against Erik & Ivar (and for all of Ricochet’s very entertaining trash talk), The Viking Raiders successfully employed a divide-and-conquer strategy, isolating Alexander from Ricochet to secure the win and making the universal, hands-across-the-waist sign to signify their intentions. As for Ricochet & Alexander, rest assured that it’s only a matter of time before they’re in contention for the titles. But that time hasn’t come quite yet.

My Opinion: 2.8 out of 5 – Here’s another example of four talented people thrown together for what felt like no reason (this was for the tag division). Why is Ricochet stuck in…wait, Vince is still in charge of McMahonland, after all. At least this two teams got to show off some of their best stuff in the time allotted.

Match #9: (Main Event) Drew McIntyre def. Andrade – Champion vs. Champion Match

The following is courtesy of wwe.com:

Drew McIntyre wasn’t kidding when he said he didn’t forgive or forget his injury at the hands of Andrade in NXT. The WWE Champion defeated the United States Champion in blistering fashion, as nearly all of his offense was chops to the chest, and they all sounded like they hurt very, very much. McIntyre was effectively exorcised of his demons, but unfortunately for him, he found himself staring down an enemy he hadn’t expected at the end of the night. That would be Seth Rollins, who had spent all night issuing mysterious addresses from behind the curtain, wherein he promised to stomp out any doubts as to his supremacy. The Monday Night Messiah picked his moment perfectly, attacking McIntyre after a post-match chop block from Angel Garza and administering a pair of Stomps to the fallen WWE Champion. The good news for Drew, of course, is now he has someone else to get even with.

My Opinion: 3.1 out of 5 – This was not bad for five minutes, but this should have been far longer considering who was in it. The story here was that Drew wanted redemption for losing the NXT Title to Andrade several years ago. Drew continued his streak of strong selling here, but I wanted more and I bet he did too. Andrade looked good, but he was an after-thought, sadly. At least this was a nice taste of what a feud between the two will look like.

News Of The Night:

  1. Becky Lynch cut a promo.
  2. Charlotte Flair cut a promo.
  3. Lana and Bobby Lashley continued the dissention tease.
  4. Seth Rollins attacked Drew to set-up a World Title Match, because the guy who lost a ‘Mania match deserves is more than the people who actually won.
  5. There will be three Money In The Bank qualifiers, as announced by MVP on his VIP Lounge, next week:
    Rey Mysterio vs. Murphy
    Aleister Black vs. Austin Theory
    Apollo Crews vs. MVP

Final Verdict: 3.1/5

There was some good wrestling here, but most of the matches were too damn short.

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