02nd Apr2020

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (March 31st 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and f— you. On this week’s show, we continue the build to a PPV that isn’t happening in a league that’s been rebranded with a generic name that no one wanted. Any-way, let’s enjoy Impact Wrestling, because Spousal Abuse Wrestling is not a good name for a wrestling promotion.


Match #1: Josh Alexander w/ Ethan Page def. Eddie Edwards

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Before Eddie Edwards competes against both Tessa Blanchard and Michael Elgin with the World Title on the line at Rebellion, he steps in the ring with one half of the Tag Team Champions, Josh Alexander on IMPACT! Eddie begins to build momentum with one of his signature dives to the outside. Alexander hits a thunderous spinning slam for two. Both men willingly exchange chops in the middle of the ring. Eddie connects with the Tiger Bomb for a near fall. Page hooks Eddie’s leg from the outside, allowing Josh to capitalize off the distraction and pin Eddie to win.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was a real skippa-de-doo-da-skippa-dee-day kinda match and I enjoyed it. These guys didn’t quite get to work the technical mat feast that you’d want them to wrestle, but they threw together a good one regardless.

Match #2: Kylie Rae def. Cassandra Golden

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Kylie Rae returns to an IMPACT Wrestling tonight. Cassandra blindsides Kylie while she’s making her entrance to gain the early advantage. Kyle quickly turns things around with a flurry of shots, followed by a strong forearm. Kylie connects with the Kylie Special superkick combination but Cassandra kicks out at two. Kylie forces Cassandra to tap out with a submission, awarding her the victory.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – This was a couple of minutes of okay.

Match #3: Moose def. Kid Kash

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Kash uses his speed advantage to catch Moose off guard in the opening moments of the match. Kash goes up and over, taking out Moose with a Hurricanrana on the floor. Moose shuts down the momentum of Kash with a huge No Jackhammer Needed Spear to win.

My Opinion: 1.9 out of 5 – This was a squash. The story coming out of this was that Kash, the veteran, looked better than the young guy, Moose. Over-all, not bad for a match not really worth watching, but this was not that great either.

Match #4: Sami Callihan def. Tommy Dreamer – Old School Rules Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Old School Rules means there are no disqualifications, no count-outs and anything goes. In another sickening act, Callihan puts a toilet plunger over the mouth of Dreamer. Callihan connects with a modified low blow of sorts as he grips Dreamer low to prevent a Piledriver. Dreamer heads to the back and comes back with a garbage can, clobbering Callihan in the head with it. Both men trade staple gun shots in the middle of the ring. Dreamer avoids being driven into a steel chair and follows up with a cutter for two. Callihan connects with a Death Valley Driver through two chairs. Callihan puts Dreamer away with the Cactus Special Piledriver.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This worked as a CZW-lite fight that favored Sami’s personality, more than any-thing. I didn’t like that Tommy was allowed to look more competent than Sami (watch this and you’ll see my point), but that’s modern booking for you: push the old at the expense of the young, rather than with the young. Hey, at least the violence was appropriate enough for the stipulation. Also, when did garbage-wrestling become “old-school”?

Match #5: Cody Deaner w/ Cousin Jake def. Joseph Ryan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Joey Ryan is now going by Joseph Ryan as part of his new identity in Cancel Culture. Deaner hits a big running elbow before taking a drink of beer from Cousin Jake. The slight distraction allows Joseph to rake the eyes of Deaner and take control. Joseph throws Deaner’s hat in his face but that only angers him. Deaner begins to build strength and momentum, culminating with a big clothesline. Jake pours beer in the mouth of Joseph behind the referees back. Deaner connects with his signature DDT to win.

My Opinion: 2 out of 5 – Joey is still doing this PC gimmick…damn it. Cody won a lame match.

Match #6: (Main Event) Tessa Blanchard def. Ethan Page w/ Josh Alexander

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Page grabs Tessa out of mid-air and overpowers her with a back-breaker. Page continues to use his strength to his advantage as he hits a vicious shoulder tackle. Every time Tessa tries to build momentum, Page shuts her down. Tessa finally gets something going with a Hurricanrana, followed by a series of dives to the outside. Tessa hits a thunderous tilt-a-whirl DDT for a near fall. Page counters Magnum into a modified bicycle kick for a near fall of his own. Josh Alexander attempts to trip up Tessa on the top rope but Eddie Edwards comes out to even the odds. Eddie hits Alexander with the Boston Knee Party on the ramp while Tessa connects with Magnum on Page. Tessa scores the pin to win.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This turned out fine and actually made both of them look formidable. Page seems to have hit his stride and is doing well, even if he isn’t the best around. Tessa is the champ for a reason and makes the belt look good on her…by wrestling well. I’m not attracted to a talented sociopath. STOP SAYING THAT! Overall, you can expect a solidly wrestled match to have enough exciting action to keep you entertained for the ten minutes it goes for.

News Of The Night:

  1. Kylie Rae has signed with Impact for a long-term contract.
  2. Sami Callihan has been re-set as a narcissistic anti-hero that wants the wrestling business to favor the young and hungry.
  3. Acey Romero & Larry D, now a tag team called XXXL, are in a rivalry with TJP and Fallah Bahh, thanks to a great promo from TJP (yeah, he can talk now).
  4. Ace Austin sent Reno Scum to attack Rich Swann at his home after the latter cut a promo on Willie Mack getting an X-Division Title shot.
  5. Rhino is feuding with Sami Callihan because he attacked Tommy Dreamer.
  6. Rosemary has turned heel, claiming she will just use people from now on.
  7. Suzie has come to terms that she is Su Yung.
  8. Shleve Harvey was here.
  9. Ken Shamrock will be back, next week, to tell off Sami Callihan.
  10. Rhino & Tommy Dreamer fight oVe (Jake & Dave Crist), next week.
  11. Chris Bey fights Daga, next week.
  12. Tessa Blanchard and Eddie Edwards have formed a gentleman’s partnership to fend of those who would harm them, especially Michael Elgin, who claims he will become the World Champion.

Final Verdict: 2.6/5

This was every good and bad about Impact Wrestling, with the bad out-weighing the good by an enormous amount.


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