18th Mar2020

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (March 17th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and the coronavirus has got people saying stupid s—. Don’t say stupid s— just because your government’s individual shutdown is giving you license to do so. Don’t tell people to stay indoors and don’t chastise them for going outside. We’re blowing this way out of proportion, especially with all of the more volatile diseases that have already been lurking around the corner for years. AIDS doesn’t give a s— if you have coronavirus and will kill you without delay, whereas the coronavirus will, likely, just make you a bit sicker than usual and for a few more days than usual. All we should be doing is having the elderly stay in doors for a month so they can skip the heavy part of the “outbreak”. We should just cleanse their homes and give them food without them having to go out to get it. It’d be much easier and smarter to just give old people more attention and resources than it would having all of us pretending that getting the coronavirus will kill you instantly (not even close). If you’re one of those people that is making this panic worse by stuffing your head up your ass then, while you’re up there, go f— yourself. Okay, enough about the coronavirus and all that bull-s—, the world is still spinning and we’ve got Impact Wrestling to get to, so let’s rock.

impact-wrestling-header

Match #1: The North (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander) def. TJP & Fallah Bahh – Impact Tag Team Championships

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Page prevents TJP from hitting a tornado DDT on Alexander, allowing his partner to reverse the momentum and gain control. The North double team TJP, cutting off the ring in the process. TJP finally tags in Fallah but Page has the referee distracted, causing him to miss the tag. TJP drives his knees into the gut of Alexander and this time, successfully tags in Fallah. Fallah goes on a rampage, delivering offense to both members of The North. Fallah hits a pop-up powerbomb on Alexander for two. The North regain control when Alexander clobbers TJP with a running crossbody. Fallah hits a running crossbody of his own on Alexander but Page breaks up the pin. Everyone is down after a series of big clotheslines from Fallah. TJP forces Page to tap out but the referee doesn’t see it because Fallah has Alexander in a submission at the same time. The North connect with The Northern Assault on TJP to win.

My Opinion: 4 out of 5 – This was an excellent match that was just about great. There was some very creative transitions in here that show why Jose and TJP are two of the best pure fighters in the sport. I thought every-body did well here, so much so that this looked like a real competitive contest, instead of a stunt show. The North may have proved how good they are as a team here, but TJP and Bahh also proved that they are capable of being a fantastic team in their own right.

Match #2: Chris Bey def. Damian Drake

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This is Chris Bey’s debut match since signing with IMPACT Wrestling. Bey sends Drake retreating to the outside with a kick. Bey flips over the top rope, crashing into Drake on the floor. Drake plants Bey face first into the mat in an attempt to shift momentum. Bey hits the Bey-Mouser, a springboard Fameouser for the win.

My Opinion: 2.7 out of 5 – Bey won and should have won, but it wasn’t much of a showing as this went quicker than my lunch did through my ass.

Match #3: Cancel Culture (Rob Van Dam & Joey Ryan) w/ Katie Forbes def. The Deaners (Cody & Cousin Jake)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Cody is perched on the ropes, RVD sends him tumbling to the floor with a kick off the top. Joey taunts the crowd and says he will never get anyone to touch it again. Jake hits a big powerslam on Joey but RVD breaks up the pin. Jake connects with a Spear on RVD. Katie distracts Cody from the apron, allowing Joey to capitalize with a superkick. RVD finishes off Cody with the Five Star Frog Splash to win.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – I like the gimmick of this Cancel Culture thing, but not for RVD and Ryan. The Deaners are a terrible team to debut this with, that’s Impact for you. The match wasn’t much and the winners deserved better.

Match #4: Kiera Hogan def. Lacey Ryan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Josh Mathews notes that if Lacey Ryan can score the victory here, she may earn a permanent spot on the Knockouts roster. Kiera hits a Hurricanrana out of the corner. Lacey connects with an overhead German suplex. Lacey builds momentum with a big dropkick. Kiera delivers a thumb to the eye, followed by a dropkick to regain control. Lacey connects with a slingshot elbow drop, followed by a modified GTS for two. Kiera puts Lacey away with her signature swinging neckbreaker.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – Hogan leg dropped Perfect. Perfect rolled out to avoid the fall. The Genius rubbed his crotch. Hogan shook the ropes. Hogan shook the ropes! HOGAN SHOOK THE ROPES! Ho…whoops…wrong match. This was…well, this was no Bret Hart/Steve Austin. Hell, let’s go back to the other one. HOGAN SHOOK THE ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Match #5: (Main Event) Daga def. Jake Crist

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Things are very evenly matched in the early going. Daga connects with a head scissors takedown. Jake smashes Daga’s leg into the hard apron. Daga is about to dive through the ropes but Jake cuts him off with kick. Jake takes the opportunity to fly and connects with a tornado DDT on the floor. Daga hits a gutwrench sitdown powerbomb for two. Jake connects with a series of superkicks but it’s not enough to keep Daga down. Daga jumps off the top but Jake Crist catches him with a mid-air cutter for another near fall. Daga hits his signature driver to win.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was really good. Crist has a quirky, Molly Ringwald-thing going on that I like/wanna bang. Oh s—…I just said I wanna bang Jake Crist. Why doesn’t this key-board have a delete button yet? Meltzer has a delete button and he whacked Johnny Sharp with a tuba…a TUBA! If he had the Young Bucks there, he would’ve just had Sharp super-kicked to death. Any-way, Daga was great here. Daga has got to be on the docket for being a top star in this league this year. If you wanna see some fast, crisp wrestling with a side of cilantro, then give this happy crab a dip in the ol’ butter bowl…with bacon…screw the crab…BACON!

News Of The Night:

  1. Ken Shamrock is getting inducted into the TNA Hall Of Fame.
  2. Sami Callihan was revealed as the ICU hacker after he fire-balled Ken Shamrock.
  3. Rosemary and Taya Valkyrie did a Real Housewives parody where Rosemary sucked out some souls from some people.
  4. Rob Van Dam and Joey Ryan have formed a faction called Cancel Culture.
  5. Lockdown has been postponed.
  6. Chase Stevens brawled with Moose to promote the TNA reunion show, which has been postponed.
  7. Shogun Jackson Stone won the Gut-Check contract.
  8. Tessa Blanchard did a good interview to promote the Eddie Edwards/Michael Elgin defense at Rebellion (which might get postponed).
  9. Ace Austin is trying to use Willie Mack to get the Impact Tag Titles while also screwing with a potential X-Division Title contender.
  10. Su Yung fights Havok in the Undead Realm, next week.
  11. Rhino & Sabu fight oVe, next week.
  12. There is a #1 Contender’s X-Division Scramble Match, next week.

Final Verdict: 3.3/5

There were two awesome matches and a lot of information, but the Impact Wrestling method of “throw it at the wall and see if it sticks” got in the way this week.

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