17th Mar2020

‘Reality Queen’ VOD Review

by Chris Thomas

Stars: Denise Richards, Julia Faye West, Mike Tyson, John Witherspoon, Charles Fleischer, Kate Orsini, Loren Lester, Candace Kita, Greg Lindsay, Shelli Boone, John R. Colley, Ben Begley | Written by Steven Jay Bernheim, Schuyler Brumley,Chris Cobb, Gabby Gruen, Greg Lindsay, Allan Murray, John-Paul Panelli, Chandler Patton | Directed by Steven Jay Bernheim

reality-queen-art

Did you ever wonder what Denise Richards had been up to since she kissed that other lady in that swimming pool, back when I was a teenage boy? No, neither had I, but she is in Reality Queen! As is a little bit of Mike Tyson and, weirdly Charles Fleischer, who played as Roger Rabbit, back when I was a boy-boy.

Reviewing terrible films is usually really easy, you have got lots of punchy material, you can go for the throat and rip a bad film to pieces, it is usually really fun to write such a review, even if you end up feeling guilty afterwards. Strangely I found reviewing REALITY QUEEN! Really difficult. There has been so little work or effort going into this it just makes it difficult to watch and even harder to review. I don’t respect the people behind this film enough to get “jazzed up” about it and that is probably the most damning I can be of a film.

“The film is bad” is the shortest review I could manage, and I could add to that the shortest sentence in the bible “Jesus wept”.

Reality Queen is a “comedy film” (something I had to keep reminding myself of). Our “heroine” is called London Logo (something I found confusing). The film sets us up with fake media coverage of the world’s biggest celebrity, who made a sex tape with Mike Tyson. I hope you like rubbish Larry King impressions (you won’t). London explains “I’m a model, not a role model”. Within 2 minutes I was sick of the material, and it goes on for another hour and 20 minutes.

London Logo
is a very thinly hidden dig at Paris Hilton and the film is horrible. What is the substance to “celebrity”? “what does celebrity culture say about American culture”? The film dips in and out of these questions, but it never comes close to justifying why the film exists. The film is just as thin and vacuous as the things it mocks.

There are endless jokes about how stupid London is, but Reality Queen is barely a film. It is a series of rubbish and unfunny skits. It goes after the lowest of hanging fruit and barely scrapes their branches. If this film was made 15 years ago it would still feel pointless. I honestly don’t have it in me to get upset by this, it is such pointless, lazy garbage. A homosexual gentleman who “loves me some big nuts” … A perfume called “Moist”… Endless jokes about someone being selfish and stupid. She thinks a rodent is a dog!

At 19 minutes in we are thinking the film has run out of road but it throws us a curve ball and moves on to making fun of a thinly veiled Kim Kardashian for a bit, and we are treated to jokes about small people being too short to be DJs. Later in Reality Queen, the film refers to the Cosby survivors and how London relates to them, again, this would be upsetting, were it not so rubbish!

Reality Queen is out now on digital from High Octane Pictures.

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