04th Mar2020

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (March 3rd 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have a major, historically significant World Title match to get to, so shut up and talk a little louder…and make-up your damn mind. Also, Booker T will love this s—. I can see it now…Booker T: Two chicks…no dicks…that’s some bull-s—!


Match #1: TJP & Fallah Bahh def. The North (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

TJP and Fallah hit a backpack splash on Alexander. Page spins TJP into a sitdown powerbomb from Alexander. Fallah goes on the attack with a Samoan Drop to Alexander. Page grabs Alexander, stopping the momentum of Fallah. The North hit TJP with a double team crucifix slam for a near fall. TJP heads to the top but Page takes him down with a superkick. Page connects with a cutter on Fallah. TJP hits Alexander with a sunset flip and scores the pinfall to win.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This was a pretty fun tease of what a big-time prize fight between the two will look like when the belts are on the line. Everybody looked good to great and Bahh didn’t say his name at all, which is great, since that was stupid to do in the first place. These two teams have chemistry together and might just make for a top-notch PPV bout.

Match #2: Moose def. Petey Williams

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Moose takes control with a strong shoulder tackle. Petey attempts to build momentum with his speed advantage but Moose shuts him down with a big boot. Petey connects with a slingshot Hurricanrana to the floor. Moose hangs Petey up on the ropes, sending him to the outside. Petey hits a Flatliner to set up for the Canadian Destroyer. Moose counters and goes Snake Eyes in the corner. Petey rolls up Moose and almost scores the upset. Moose hits the No Jackhammer Needed Spear to win.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – This was pretty good, with Petey carrying an increasingly better Moose to a good showing. Petey made Moose look like a million bucks, which is what Moose might turn into if he can turn in more performances like the one he gave here. The match was no masterpiece, but they both put together some-thing of a sampler platter for what these two can do with each other and that’s okay.

Match #3: Acey Romero def. Joey Ryan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

In a bizarre turn of events, Joey does not oil himself up for this bout. Acey hits a big powerslam. Acey falls head first into “it”, doing him some serious damage. Acey connects with a running crossbody to build momentum. Joey attempts Sweet Tooth Music but Acey counters and eats the sucker. Joey has second thoughts about getting Acey to touch it. Acey hits his signature running elbow drop to win.

My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – This turned out pretty well, but the booking had the restraints on this one. When this was just about wrestling action, it was good, but when the story-line took over, the fun stopped.

Match #4: Su Yung def. Havok – No Disqualification Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Su Yung launches herself off the apron, crashing into Havok on the floor. Su attempts to go Old School but Havok catches her and delivers a slam on the steel ramp. Both Knockouts meet head on the middle of the ring with steel chairs. Su places a garbage can over the head of Havok and hits a dropkick. Havok ties Su to the ropes but Su sprays the red mist and breaks free. Su locks in the mandible claw with the bloody glove, then chokes out Havok with the noose to win.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – This was boring. I could have taken a nap to this s—. I don’t even wanna waste a bad joke on this s—. This was like valium deep-fried in PMS Avenger juice. If going pro on slow and lazy was a real thing, then…wait…YouTube. Okay, maybe these two are on to some-thing. Jim Croce was a fool for making music when he could have just been a god…a lazy god who does nothing besides what others do better but worse and slower.

Match #5: The Deaners (Cody Deaner & Cousin Jake) def. Johnny Swinger & Glenn Gilbertti

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Gilbertti sends Deaner to the outside with a roll-of-quarters loaded punch. Gilbertii distracts the referee, allowing Swinger to do the same to Deaner on the outside. Deaner avoids an elbow drop from Gilbertti and tags in Jake. Both Swinger and Gilbertti are on the receiving end of high speed offense from Jake. Deaner connects with the Deaner DDT on Swinger to win.

My Opinion: 1.3 out of 5 – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Turn this s— off! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Summer Nights! We made out under the dock! F—— old-folks home rec-room s—… This was like watching two hillbillies head up-north to Albany to buy pot and kill off a couple of queer John Travolta wanna-be’s because all the glitter made their Alabama asses feel “funny”. Skip this s— like a U.S.A Presidential Democratic Debate.

Match #6: (Main Event) Tessa Blanchard def. Taya Valkyrie – Impact World Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Taya hits running double knees in the corner. Tessa sends Taya into the steel guardrail with a dive to the outside. Tessa charges but Taya cuts her off in mid-air, sending her crashing to the floor. Tessa hits a Samoan Drop, followed by a Hurricanrana to build momentum. Taya connects with a powerful spear for a near fall. Tessa powerbombs Taya, then hits a superkick for a near fall of her own. Both women counter each other’s finishers. Tessa hits the ropes and Bravo hooks her leg. Taya charges but Tessa sidesteps, causing her to knock Bravo off the apron. Tessa connects with the Buzzsaw DDT to win.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was a pretty cool main event with major historical value. Tessa and Taya will go down in the history as the first two women to have a World Title match between two women contested on national television. There’s plenty of strong, solid wrestling here, with no junk in it. The action was all business, like me in Miami (the shipment is on its way). In the name of Charles Nelson Reilly, that guy was a homo…and this match kicked ass. Like Rip Taylor staring at all those naked guys from the Olympic Swim Team that Charles Nelson Reilly brought home for a gang-bang, this match made me say “Shake Shake Shake…Shake Shake Shake…Shake Your this was an excellent match”. Congratulations to Tessa and Taya on making history and to all of the great homosexuals on buggery reaching its 250th anniversary.

News Of The Night:

  1. ICU is taking over the air-waves…and is likely Sami Callihan.
  2. Another clip of that terrible Gut Check show was aired.
  3. Rosemary wants Allie back, but she’s in AEW working as a psycho Playboy bunny/Amber Heard.
  4. Eddie Edwards is looking to cash in his title shot (if he still has it) at Rebellion.
  5. Joey Ryan and Rob Van Dam are becoming a faction, along with RVD’s f— puppet Katie Forbes.

Final Verdict: 3.1/ 5

Hey, the main event was worth watching, but the rest was just WWE house show s— with a camera locked on it and recording.


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