17th Jan2020

‘All Elite Wrestling: Dynamite’ Review (Jan 15th 2020)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s All Elite Wrestling: Dynamite, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have Bash At The Beach! I’m not s——- you. Cody brought back Bash At The Beach…in January. Blondes really are dumb-asses, aren’t they? Also, I’m pretty sure the New World Order won’t be jumping into a pool this time…p——.

aew-dynamite-poster-2

Match #1: Kenny Omega & Adam Page defeated The Young Bucks (Matt and Nick Jackson), Proud And Powerful (Santana & Ortiz) & Best Friends (Chuck Taylor and TRENT) – All Elite Wrestling Tag Team Title #1 Contender’s Match

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Trent and Nick Jackson began by trading shoulder tackles. Nick showed off his flexibility by ducking Trent’s knife-edge chops. Omega and Matt Jackson were tagged in for their respective teams, and as they locked up, Proud & Powerful entered illegally, assaulting Omega and Jackson. Nick got a blind tag off Omega, and the Bucks and Omega worked as one “Elite” unit against Santana. Page watched the Elite members from the ring apron. After a double hip toss on Trent, Matt Jackson sent him into the corner the hard way and hit four suplexes. Matt was finally countered by Trent with a swinging DDT. Chuck Taylor tagged in, executing a standing Sliced Bread on Matt Jackson. Chuckie T. followed up with a sole food and half-and-half combo along with his partner Trent. Santana and Ortiz began to divide and conquer all the teams, utilizing an impressive arsenal of offensive moves. The fans chanted, “This is awesome!” Santana went for the three amigos on Matt Jackson, but before completing the sequence, Ortiz tagged in and finished it off for his partner Santana with a stalling vertical suplex. “Big game feel is what we’ve got here,” said Tony Schiavone. Matt Jackson, in a state of self-preservation, tagged the nearest friend, opting for Kenny Omega (noticeably instead of Adam Page, who was also within arm’s reach). Omega came in with three snapdragon suplexes! Santana used a senton to the outside and wiped out Page and Omega. Trent and Matt Jackson were on the top rope, and Trent superplexed Matt to the outside, crash landing onto the competitors. A huge knee strike by Trent took Omega off his feet, but Kenny was able to fight him off. The Best Friends planted Omega with Strong Zero, but it still wasn’t enough to win! The Young Bucks went for the Meltzer Driver but Hangman tagged himself in. This outraged Matt Jackson, as the Bucks had done the majority of the heavy lifting in the final minutes of the match. Before Matt could give it another thought, Page and Omega blasted the Buckshot-V-Trigger combo on Trent for the pin fall!

My Opinion: 4.1 out of 5 – Well kiss my ass. This was bad to the bone, daddio. Hey, I spelt daddio right! I’m not a chode! This was something else. Just when I think I’ve seen everything you can do in tag matches, you get this bad boy and you realize how full of s— you are. This fight had so much wild s— going on that it’ll make you wish I could un-censor those cuss words I keep saying. There was so much fast and furious action here that you’d think that Vin Diesel had the studio put up a hit meter to tell him how many fake punches he threw. I liked this like a stripper loves a lap dance where she just coaches him as he rubs-up against himself. I wish all cards could open this hot.

Match #2: Hikaru Shida and Kris Statlander defeated Brandi Rhodes and Mel

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Luther was on the ramp positioned in between Shida and the ring, but Shida put her kendo stick to use on him. Shida then ran to the ring and Mel began “laying in the heavy leather,” according to Excalibur. Statlander used a moonsault to take out Mel. On the outside of the ring, Shida swiftly followed up with the running knee off a folding chair onto Mel. Mel used her size advantage here, connecting with a pump kick and a big leg drop across Shida’s back. Brandi Rhodes was tagged in and stomped Shida repeatedly. Statlander and Brandi faced off, but Statlander caught her with a high right roundhouse, a discus clothesline, and then a spinning slam for a near fall. Brandi connected with a spear for a two count of her own. It wasn’t enough, so a frustrated Brandi tagged in her partner Mel. As Mel climbed to the top rope, Shida met her up there for a big avalanche suplex! Statlander connected with a standing moonsault press, but Brandi broke it up. Statlander dropped Mel directly on the crown of her head for the victory!

My Opinion: 1.2 out of 5 – F— you. This match blew ass. Brandi can’t do s—. Is Cody so p—–whipped that he can’t even tell his wife that she sucks at all the stuff she tries in wrestling? Brandi, don’t quit your day job. I don’t mean to hurt her feelings, but she sucks. This isn’t fair to any women out there that can actually wrestle. Okay, enough about the s— match.

Match #3: Jon Moxley defeated Sammy Guevara – All Elite Wrestling Title #1 Contender’s Mini-Tournament Match

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

Moxley pulled up in the new sports car that he “claimed” from the Inner Circle last week. Sammy wasted no time with a dropkick on Moxley at the sound of the bell. Mox fought back with a lariat to Sammy G, but Sammy turned things around on a moment’s notice using a cutter, then a running dive. Sammy started to strut, basking in his own glory. It was a short-lived moment as Mox slapped the taste out of Sammy’s mouth. Moxley attempted the Paradigm Shift on the apron of the ring, but Sammy squeezed out of it. Sammy was able to land a double foot stomp onto Moxley! Sammy used a shooting star press onto Mox, and despite dishing all this out, Mox planted the Spanish God on his head. Moxley climbed to the top rope, but in the blink of an eye, Sammy jumped up there and tossed Moxley down to the mat. Sammy tried for the moonsault press but Moxley caught him in a submission for the victory!

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was pretty good, but it was too damn short for a match of its kind. I’m glad that Sammy got some offense in, because there’s nothing worse than seeing a big star just out-class a top prospect. Jon should have won and he did, so I won’t throw a fit…yet. There’s still time. This bikini makes my bum look super-cute. If any-one ever says that to you, then shoot ‘em! I have to officially state that murder is wrong…but it’s still cool. I look like Jennifer Lopez’s ass and this was a good match.

Match #4: MJF, The Butcher and The Blade defeated Diamond Dallas Page, Dustin Rhodes and QT Marshall

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

MJF was wearing a t-shirt with the phrase “I Banged Dallas’ Daughter” in large lettering. When DDP tried to start the match, MJF tagged out to the Butcher. It was only when QT was tagged in by DDP that MJF was “courageous” enough to tag himself back in. MJF gave QT an eye poke and tagged in the Blade, who chopped away at QT. Dustin Rhodes was in next and hit an inverted atomic drop on the Blade, following up with deep uppercuts. MJF cold-cocked Dustin Rhodes while wearing his diamond ring, unbeknownst to ref Aubrey Edwards. The Bunny and Wardlow delivered cheap shots to Rhodes on the outside of the ring. Then the Butcher and the Blade and MJF all took turns working over Rhodes in the ring. “We’ve seen some arrogant athletes over the years, J.R., but this one may top them all,” said Tony Schiavone of MJF. Dustin Rhodes bought some time with a powerslam onto the Blade, then tagged in DDP. Page was positively on fire, cleaning house, and then hit the diamond cutter on the Butcher! After a Canadian Destroyer from Dustin onto MJF, DDP connected with the cutter onto MJF! Marshall ran with the explosive QT Special onto the opposing team, and then DDP jumped off the top rope onto all of them on the outside. Out of nowhere, MJF rolled up QT Marshall, holding the trunks, for the three count. “What an opportunist!” said Jim Ross.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This match was lame. DDP was cool though. They should’ve just had DDP in here the whole time with the Diamond Cutter. MJF was cool too, but DDP was the whole reason to watch.

Match #5: (Main Event) PAC defeated Darby Allin – All Elite Wrestling Title #1 Contender’s Mini-Tournament Match

The following is courtesy of allelitewrestling.com:

The winner moves on next week against Jon Moxley to determine the #1 contender. They locked up in the center of the ring, with PAC taking down Darby with a shoulder tackle. Darby came back with a thunderous shotgun drop kick! PAC one-upped Darby with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Darby took the offense to PAC like a missile with a suicida between the second and third rope. Darby went for the hurracarana but PAC caught him and swung him into the metal ring steps! PAC moved the steps over and power bombed Darby right onto them, showing no mercy. Darby managed to climb into the ring, but PAC was waiting for him with vicious stomps. PAC launched himself off the top rope and connected with a missile dropkick onto Darby for a near fall. Darby had welts on his back and arms from the power bomb onto the steel steps from earlier in the match. Somehow Darby found the energy to fight back and blasted PAC with a crucifix bomb then the coffin drop! Darby hit an over the top stunner and then a Code Red onto PAC for a very close near fall! Darby tried a baseball slide but PAC used the skirt of the ring apron to trap him, then caught him with a high kick. PAC gave a wicked lariat to Darby, who kicked out at two! “Darby is not out of this fight yet!” said Excalibur. Darby and PAC traded pinning combinations. Darby went for the coffin drop again but PAC caught him with a German suplex then a high-stacked power bomb. PAC only got the two count! Darby continued to fight back. PAC went to the top rope for the Black Arrow and finished off Darby for the victory! What a main event!

My Opinion: 3.6 out of 5 – This made up for the two s— matches that we had on this show. PAC won and should have because he kicks ass. Darby is cool too…Darby O’Gill and the Little People! Little f—— piss me off. Bitin’ ankles like it’s the hot thing to do. Little f——. This was a dynamite main event. Hey…the name! I used it! I’m a freakin’ genius! Over-all, I’m running out of steam and this match was excellent.

Final Verdict: 3.5/5

A third of this show sucked more ass than I do, but the good stuff was stronger than iron.

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