04th Dec2019

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Dec 3rd 2019)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have more build for the Tessa Blanchard/Sami Callihan Impact World Title Match at Hard To Kill. In the words of Steven Segal: “I f—– the baby-sitter.” Let’s get to it before I forget what it mea…I like turtles!

impact-wrestling-header

Match #1: Eddie Edwards vs. Brian Cage (No Contest)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Eddie flies but Cage catches him in mid-air. Eddie reverses into a Hurricanrana on the outside. Eddie hits a vertical suplex, followed by another Hurricanrana in the ring to build momentum. Eddie connects with the Blue Thunder Bomb for a near fall. Cage comes back with a huge clothesline, turning Eddie inside out. Mid-match, Michael Elgin comes to the ring and hits both Cage and Eddie with a double clothesline.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was really good for less than ten. Once these guys found a good rhythm they stuck to it like a critic to their arrogant love of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (better than the original my ass). Eddie should not be wearing tight pants in his wrestling matches. Does Don Callis like looking at Eddie’s ass in those tight jeans? Is Josh the fanny-bandit? Cage looked like Andy Warhol’s fever-dream that he would get on the 4th of July (so horny for…meat-head). There’s nothing wrong with starting the show off with two of the best fighting for no reason (they could be trying to contend for the World Title…no one ever says anything). I wish they hadn’t done the screwy finish, but at least it led to the second match.

Match #2: Michael Elgin def. Eddie Edwards & Brian Cage – Triple Threat Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The match is restarted as a Triple Threat after Elgin’s interference. Cage flips over the top rope, crashing into both men on the floor. All three competitors exchange Superkicks in the middle of the ring. Elgin hits a vicious German Suplex on Eddie and Cage. Elgin jumps off the top into Eddie and Cage on the outside. Eddie connects with a Backpack Stunner on Cage, then transitions into the Half Boston Crab. Cage hits Elgin with the Alabama Slam, Eddie takes out Cage with the Boston Knee Party. Elgin takes Cage into the corner with a buckle bomb, followed by the Elgin Bomb on Eddie to win.

My Opinion: 3.6 out of 5 – This was a really strong match that went a large chunk of time and delivered exactly what it should have delivered, which is great wrestling. This was hard-hitting, smash-mouth, bruised-arm fighting that’ll leave you black and blue like a red-headed step-child. These guys practically leapt from the screen, which is about as far as this serious s— will go in this review. Didn’t I just see Eddie and Cage earlier? I feel like I’m seeing Déjà vu. That means that Eddie and Cage are…a witch! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! …a witch! Shoot her! Shoot the witch! She’s in two places at once! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Listen…this was good stuff.

Match #3: Reno Scum (Adam Thornstowe & Luster The Legend) & Ace Austin def. Rascalz (Wentz, Dez & Trey) – Six-Man Tag Team Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Ace tries to papercut Trey in the early going but he avoids it. Trey’s mom watches on as Ace and Reno Scum wear down Dez on their side of the ring. Dez finally fights free and gets the hot tag to Trey who goes on the attack. Wentz launches himself off the back of Dez, crashing into Luster on the outside. Thornstowe is next to fly with a dive to the floor. Trey caps things off with a Step Up Corkscrew Press. Ace talks to Trey’s mom at ringside, forcing Trey to leave the ring and attack him. Thornstowe rolls up Wentz off the distraction to win.

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – When the X guys were in, this was a lot of fun. I think I got a contact high watching this. Dude… Ace has really come a long way in a short time as a character and it shows here. Like…hash rules dude. Going upwards of ten minutes, this was everything I didn’t ask for but was happy to have.

Match #4: Petey Williams def. Johnny Swinger

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Swinger offers Petey a handshake but he turns him down and almost scores the quick win with a rollup. Petey uses his speed advantage to send Swinger retreating to the floor. Swinger hangs up Petey on the ropes to gain the advantage. Petey hits a Codebreaker, followed by a side Canadian Legsweep. Petey locks in the Sharshooter, forcing Swinger to tap. Joey Ryan was nowhere to be found after agreeing to enter a new clique with Swinger earlier tonight.

My Opinion: 1.8 out of 5 – Swinger sucked and this was shorter than my wee-willie-winkie, but at least Petey won.

Match #5: (Main Event) ODB def. Taya Valkyrie w/ John E Bravo

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

ODB goes for her flask in the early going but Bravo grabs it. ODB offers Bravo a drink and he likes it. ODB puts his face in her chest, then hits Taya with a flapjack for a one count. Taya turns it around with her signature double knees in the corner. ODB repeatedly drives Taya’s head into the turnbuckle with the Dirty Dozen. ODB connects with the Bronco Buster. Bravo wants another shot from the flask. ODB gives it to him, allowing Taya to regain control off the distraction. Bravo has had a bit too much to drink as he taunts the crowd on the ramp. Jordynne Grace comes down to stop him. ODB rolls up Taya and scores the huge upset win off the distraction.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This was a very slow match that had the right idea, but just never got to do the things that you’d think they could do. I’m happy that ODB won, as she was easily the bigger star of the two, but if this doesn’t lead to a proper prize fight for ODB, then this was a waste any way you shake it.

News Of The Night:

  1. Fallah Bahh spoke more English and vowed to fight The Desi Hit Squad.
  2. Joey Ryan abandoned Johnny Swinger when the latter asked the former to second him in his match with Petey Williams.
  3. The Tag Team Open starts, next week.
  4. Madman Fulton fights Tessa Blanchard, next week.
  5. Ken Shamrock fights Sami Callihan, next week.
  6. Rob Van Dam fights Rhino in (presumably) a Hardcore Match (with Tommy Dreamer as the referee), next week.
  7. Father James Mitchell introduced Susie to Havok.
  8. The North are trying to get Rich Swann to dissent from Willie Mack, which they did after Swann received praise from Chris Sabin, Acey Romero and Willie Mack.
  9. Donate to rebuilding ODB’s food truck at https://igg.me/at/ODBFOODTRUCK/x#/

Final Verdict: 3.4/5

The first half of this show was great, but the second half was a let-down.

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