27th Nov2019

‘Impact Wrestling: Provincial Wrestling Federation Special’ Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have…IMPACT Provincial Wrestling Federation? What the f— did I just say? What have the dumb f—- done now? Apparently, Impact Wrestling has booked and aired a “retro” themed show that is based on a fake wrestling league. Well, Impact often has a hard time with their regular stuff, so why would they be any good at being someone else? F— it. Let’s see how this goes.

impact-ipwf-header

Match #1: Rapid Delivery Pete def. Rip Rayzor

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Rayzor refuses to put out his cigarette. Pete reminds him that smoking is bad for his health. Pete reaches for Rayzor but gets burned by his cigarette. Rayzor rakes the chest of Pete and puts in a headlock. Pete turns it around with a series of dropkicks, followed by a powerslam and the Rapid Delivery Splash to win.

My Opinion: 2.6 out of 5 – This was three minutes of time wasted. This s— is already depressing the hell out of me. A f—— pizza gag? I’m watching WWE Mixed Match Challenge again, aren’t I? Just…lets move on.

Match #2: The Hard Workers (Oats & Hall) def. Xcessive Force (Pummel & Plunder)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Xcessive Force attack The Hard Workers from behind to jumpstart the match and gain the early advantage. Hall takes out both Pummel and Plunder with a double clothesline, followed by a huge powerslam to Pummel. The Hard Workers connect with a unique double sunset flip into a pin on Pummel to win.

My Opinion: 1.8 out of 5 – I feel like I’m reviewing last night’s Monday Night Raw. That show only sucked for the first half. This show better not be looking to top the suck-record of that Raw show. This was way to short toooooooooo… yada yada yada. Moving on.

Match #3: Johnny Swinger def. Buck Gunderson

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Swinger is in tune with the times as he takes control. Gunderson pulls his strap down in an attempt to turn it around but Swinger slams him to the mat with a Spinebuster. Swinger connects with the Swinger Neckbreaker to win in dominant fashion.

My Opinion: 1.3 out of 5 – This wasn’t any good last time, so why the hell would you book it again?! Did I draw straws on having to watch horse-s— habitually? You’d think I’d remember some-thing like that. Hey, at least these guys are getting pai…wait. Impact Wrestling…maybe they didn’t get paid after all. Buck Gunderson…there’s the money name. Okay, this sucked.

Match #4: Jazzy Fitbody def. Agnes Beerhart

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Hitmaker Sebastian Baker comes down to ringside as he continues to pressure Jazzy Fitbody into signing a contract with him. Agnes wears down Jazzy with a snap suplex. Jazzy feeds off the energy of the crowd to build momentum. Jazzy hits a splash off the second rope to win.

My Opinion: 1.7 out of 5 – Just Shoot Me…was a TV show on NBC. Listen. I don’t want to hate this show, but this does suck. These matches have all had potential, but this campy take on 80s wrestling just isn’t working. Also, this match went for just enough time to fart and blame it on the dog, so there you go.

Match #5: The Rough Riders (Blanche Ardmore, Mildred Moore, Georgia Cobb & Lady Bird Johnston) def. Ray Strack, Tim Burr, Jim Nasium & Bill Ding

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Strack goes through the gears but Georgia puts him in park as she sends him retreating to his side of the ring. Nasium does pushups to show his strength but can’t keep up with the speed of Mildred. Lady Bird locks in a Bear Hug on Burr but he escapes and hits a double axe handle off the top. Strack hits all the Rough Riders with a flurry of superkicks but misses the follow up splash off the top. Blanche takes out Strack with a revolutionary maneuver to win.

My Opinion: 2.9 out of 5 – Tim Burr? Jim Nasium? Bill Ding? Oh God! It finally happened. Vince Russo is back! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I gotta get the f— out of here! Why?! Why would you put Bill Ding on the show? That was Russo’s stupid idea! I guess it was inevitable. I wanna thank the National Wrestling Alliance for preventing this from happening for 17 years, but it seems that Hell has finally frozen over. I’m gonna go jump off a bridge now. Oh, the match was cool. It was nice seeing the women beat the men in an even match. I think I’m gonna hurl. Not the women winning…Bill Ding. OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Match #6: Body Slam Challenge w/ Kongo Kong and the $300,000 Man

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Mr. Atlantis answers the challenge but as soon as he attempts the body slam, Kong beats him down. Muscles McGhee comes to the ring and says he’s not here for the money, he’s here for the people. McGhee sends the $300,000 Man to the outside before exchanging with Kong. McGhee uses his muscles to successfully body slam Kong.

My Opinion: 1.2 out of 5 – Eat me. Brian Cage’s muscles mighta just made me queerer than a two-buck steak.

Match #7: Cowboy Colt McCoy def. Gama Singh w/ Dada Singh – Blindfold Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Both Gama and Cowboy must wear bags over their heads in this bout. Dada reaches in and trips up Cowboy from ringside. Dada distracts the referee, allowing Gama peak out from under his blindfold and gain the advantage. Dada tries to get involved again but this time, Cowboy grabs hold of him and knocks him to the floor. Cowboy hits a modified neckbreaker to win.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – I like Eddie Edwards as a cowboy better than I do as The Sandman rip-off he’s forced to be every week. I wish I was watching this show with a blindfold. This was three minutes of suck.

Match #8: (Main Event) Downtown Daddy Brown def International Commonwealth Television Champion Julian Cumberbun w/ Sonny Sanders – ***NEW ICT Champion***

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Cumberbun escapes the wrath of Daddy Brown by hiding amongst the fans. Daddy Brown spots him and continues the attack inside the ring. Cumberbun goes low to regain control. Daddy Brown hits the ropes but Sanders crushes him in the back with his tennis racket. Cumberbun fakes an injury to distract the referee, allowing Sanders to pummel Daddy Brown on the outside. Cumberbun locks in the Figure Four but Daddy Brown reverses the pressure. Daddy Brown has the match won but Sanders puts Cumberbun’s foot on the bottom rope to break the pin. Sanders once again distracts the referee, Cumberbun hits Daddy Brown with his signature tennis racket but Daddy Brown somehow kicks out. Daddy Brown rolls up Cumberbun to score the win, becoming the new ICT Champion and forcing Cumerbun to leave IPWF.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – Ethan Page and Willie Mack got a lot in for less than ten minutes. Good for them. It’s a shame that this for a fake belt. Wrestling…fake…that’s funny…funnier than this show at least. The match was really good and this show wasn’t. I think WWE Backstage had better wrestling tonight than this show. Any-way, at least Willie Mack is better looking than Renee Young. Wow. I think Brian Cage’s muscles did make me gay. The main event was good and that’s all right.

Final Verdict: 2.3/5

I wanted to like this, but it was so far off the mark of being entertaining in most of the two hours that I almost feel like the score is being nice. I get that people like comedy in wrestling (I like a chuckle or two as well), but if you want to have comedy on a show, then you have to earn it with great matches. You can’t shirk your job just because it’s an (American) holiday. If I went to a stand-up show and the comedian decided to shake things up by just wrestling a match with a friend, I’d be pissed that I was getting screwed out of a laugh. Next year, just do a tournament or something for the evening and offer prize money or something. Hell, you could really make a big deal out of that if you play your cards right. At least it would be better than watching Don Callis act.

Off

Comments are closed.