08th Nov2019

‘Ring Of Honor: Unauthorized – Hanukkah Comes Early’ Review

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this review of Ring Of Honor: Unauthorized – Hanukkah Comes Early: Eight Crazy Matches, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and I didn’t name the f—–g thing. Oy! Arbor Day is for losers. Who needs a planet when you can have a super-model for breakfast? My political leanings aside, this is a show that is (supposedly) run by Colt Cabana, so expect Jimmy Dean kissing a donkey.

roh-unauthorized-hanuka-poster

Match #1: Ultimo Guerrero defeated Jonathan Gresham

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

Joe Hendry joined Ian Riccaboni on commentary and proceeded to sing all of his comments. Guerrero pinned Gresham after the CMLL legend hit Guerrero Especial from the top rope.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was a fabulous match that had to endure Joe Hendry on commentary…singing! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Jesus f—k. Why would you have Hendry sing while Ian is doing commentary? Would you pay for a musical in the middle of Star Wars? Luke be a Jedi tonight…wait a minute…Nathan Detroit isn’t a Jedi. What’s wrong with just letting great wrestlers wrestle? Gresham can do a hell of an arm-drag. Hendry sings like a moose hit by cement truck. Which one do you want to chuck a few bucks at? Lilly Singh bores the hell out of me. No singing! AHHHHHHHHH!!! Good match though.

Match #2: El Jefe Cobbo and El Villainisto defeated Delirious and Mini Delirious

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

The mysterious luchadors scored the win after Cobbo hit a standing moonsault on Mini Delirious. Per the match stipulation, which stated that the loser of the fall must unmask, Mini Delirious revealed himself to be Swoggle. The crowd was stunned (or something).

My Opinion: 2.6 out of 5 – This was…okay, midgets in masks and Delirious was here and he just gagged his way through it all as usual. Ole!

Match #3: Dalton White Castle, Kenny Burger King (w/Amy Rose) and Burger Flip Gordon defeated Cheeseburger, Double Cheeseburger (Beer City Bruiser) and Triple Cheeseburger (Brawler Milonas) – Colt Cabana’s Punderful Six-Man Tag Match

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

Even though Gordon abandoned them during the match, Castle and King prevailed thanks to King rolling up Cheeseburger and pinning him while grabbing a handful of tights. After the match, King stole Bruiser and Milonas’ cooler, but Rhett Titus, who had been sitting in on commentary, took it from him and returned it to its rightful owners. The cooler contained cheeseburgers as well as beers, and Bruiser, Milonas, Cheeseburger, Titus and Castle all shared some burgers and cold ones.

My Opinion: 3.4 out of 5 – This was the right length and had enough action keep me from getting too distracted by the bull-$#!@. By the way, those are the real names they went with for the match. Normally, that would look like my handy-work, but not this time. Burger Flip Gordon? I’m better than that $#!@. Switch-Hitter Gordon…oh yeah.

Match #4: The Allure (Angelina Love and Mandy Leon) defeated Sumie Sakai and Jenny Rose – No-Disqualification Match

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

This match saw the return of Daryl Takahashi, who was brought in by Sakai in honor of New Japan Pro-Wrestling star Hiromu Takahashi announcing his return to the ring over the weekend after spending more than a year on the sideline with a broken neck. Unfortunately for Sakai and Rose, Daryl was unable to help them overcome The Allure, as Love pinned Sakai after a Botox Injection.

My Opinion: 2 out of 5 – It’s sad when one person and a stuffed animal is the only thing worth taking from a Hardcore match. Sumie Sakai and Daryl could have wrestled a better match against each other than this one. Snoop Dogg killed some guys.

Match #5: Mark Briscoe defeated Josh Woods

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

Jay Briscoe and Silas Young did live commentary, and the stipulation was that every time their tag partner got a two count, they’d have to take a shot. There were a lot of near falls during the match, which means Jay Briscoe and Young did a lot of shots. Thankfully, Mark Briscoe hit Froggy Bow to win the match before anyone puked.

My Opinion: 2.3 out of 5 – This was a mess. At least Mark got some money for doing this…I hope.

Match #6: RUSH and Dragon Lee defeated LifeBlood (Mark Haskins and Tracy Williams)

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

There were no quirky stipulations or joking around in this match, as the four intense competitors went at it in a thrilling, hard-hitting matchup. The undefeated RUSH notched yet another victory after hitting Bull’s Horns on Williams.

My Opinion: 4 out of 5 – This was great stuff. Like, oh my God, it was, like, so totes and li…NOOOOOOO!!! Not the Valley Girl again! Sh…totes…n…giggity giggity…I…MOONLIGHTING! There…that’s better. This was the kind of match that should have been on this whole card. Thrilling moves and taut action, this was just what the doctor ordered.

Match #7: Colt Cabana, Ian Riccaboni, Todd Sinclair, Gary Juster and Gator The Cameraman defeated Shane Taylor, Soldiers of Savagery (Moses and Kaun), Ron Hunt and Brian Johnson – Ten-Man Tag Match

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

Taylor came out with his Shane Taylor Promotions entourage, which included SOS and Hunt, his hype man. Taylor, who was originally supposed to be involved in a tag match, complained to Cabana about changing things on him. Taylor challenged Cabana to a match, but Cabana said that since Taylor brought his crew they should make it an eight-man tag match. Cabana said he could literally pick anyone to be his partners and his team would beat Taylor’s team. Cabana selected ROH senior cameraman Gator, ROH senior announcer Riccaboni and ROH “senior” Juster. At that point, “The Mecca” Brian Johnson came out. He demanded to be in the match and said he didn’t care which side he was on. Cabana quickly decided that Johnson would be on Taylor’s team. Cabana then chose ROH senior referee Sinclair as the final member of his squad. Johnson immediately angered his teammates, and Taylor and his crew headed to the back, leaving Johnson in a five-on-one situation. Sinclair leapfrogged Johnson and nailed him with Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat-like chops. Juster also got in a chop (as Cabana held Johnson). Riccaboni hit a flying elbow off the top rope, and Cabana covered Johnson for the win.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – This wasn’t very much, but it was silly and was so on purpose, so there you go. If Scott Steiner was there, he would have called them all pimple-faced geeks.

Match #8: (Main Event) PCO defeated Dan Maff – No Disqualification Match

The following is courtesy of rohwrestling.com:

The violent anything-goes match between PCO and Dan Maff was no laughing matter (although it was a spectacle). PCO and Maff, a former two-time ROH World Tag Team Champion who made his return to ROH over the weekend after a 14-year absence, brutalized each other with tables, chairs, thumbtacks and even cinder blocks. PCO ultimately finished off Maff with a moonsault.

My Opinion: 4 out of 5 – These guys beat the $#!@ out of each other like it was Taco Tuesday at the trailer park. PCO and Maff did their best to pitch themselves as the stars of the new King Kong vs. Godzilla picture. This match was right in line with the good Extreme Championship Wrestling weapons fights. Words can’t really do this justice. Bring a sack of ice for your head, because after you watch this brutal bout, you might just need it as much as they probably did.

News of The Night:

  1. Manic Maria told Angelina Love she would beat her at Final Battle.

Final Verdict: 3.3/5

The comedy thing was hit or miss, but the wrestling was quite good when it had no strings attached to it.

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