23rd Sep2019

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 20th 2019)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have the final appearance of LAX in Impact, as they are moving on to All Elite Wrestling. They’ve had an excellent run in Impact, doing great things with a gimmick that they never really fit into that well. Also, I’m still pissed that Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place got rid of the pizza place. Where’s the damn pizza? Stupid ABC. A man took a boy and his ax into a forest. The boy looked at the man and his ax and said “I’m scared”. The man looked back to the boy and said “Yeah, well…I’m the one who has to walk back by himself”. That’s what it feels like watching Impact Wrestling sometimes, but the main event of LAX and Rich Swann and Willie Mack doesn’t have me scared, because it’ll be a great one.

impact-wrestling-header

Match #1: Tessa Blanchard, Tommy Dreamer, Rob Van Dam & Rhino def. oVe (Jake Crist, Sami Callihan, Dave Crist & Madman Fulton) – Street Fight Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

No disqualifcations, no countouts and anything goes in this 4 on 4 Street Fight. Tommy hits Fulton with a cutter. Fulton lifts Jake over the top rope to the floor. Tommy launches himself off the top rope, taking out everyone on the outside. Tessa is on fire, taking it to Callihan. Dave cuts her off and hits her with a suplex off the top rope to the floor. Rhino connects with a Spinebuster on Callihan. Tessa takes Fulton off his feet with a big tornado DDT. Fulton holds Tessa high in the air, allowing Jake to connect with a super cutter. Tommy introduces the weapons. Rhino gores Jake through a table in the corner, followed by a Frog Splash from RVD. Tessa locks in a submission on Jake, forcing him to submit.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This was a fun, lively contest that…I already sound like I work at the Renaissance Fair. Gypsies scare me. Filthy buggers. They’re always biting you while you sleep. Fortunately, Tessa is no gypsy. Tully Blanchard and Magnum TA’s daughter/step-daughter has proven to be one of the best, especially when fighting the guys. Am I putting you to sleep yet? Everybody looked good, like swordfish flambé drizzled with honey-butter cream and sprinkled with parmesan cheese. How long would it take a sloth to give you the finger? The match was all a matter of hard work and when you get that, you get a good one. Okay, so far so good for eatin’ good in the neighborhood…Applebee’s.

Match #2: Taya Valkyrie w/ John E Bravo def. Alisha Edwards

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Ace Austin is brought down to ringside in a wheelchair. Alisha takes control in the early going with a series of running strikes. Alisha hits a Flatliner but Bravo pulls her off the pin. Miraculously, Ace gets up out of the wheelchair and attacks Bravo. Alisha doesn’t see any of it and he quickly sits back down in the wheelchair before she notices. Taya capitalizes off the distraction with Road to Valhalla to win.

My Opinion: 1.3 out of 5 – My friend brought up a good point the other day, which is that Phil must constantly smack his head against the wall when reading these reviews. I come across as a maniac and…I’m crazy. I bring this up, because this match sucked, due to wrestling errors on Alisha’s part and booking blunders including Ace Austin being involved as a distraction. Here’s the part where me being a source of emotional contention comes in. Let’s send Don Callis and Scott D’Amore into space and blow up the rocket. I hate their booking style and this is the best way to deal with them. They’re Canadian, I want to…that’s all you need. Sorry Phil, for always being out of my mind. Thank you Phil, for not having me committed.

Match #3: Mahabali Shera w/ Rohit Raju, Raj Singh & Gama Singh def. Cody Deaner w/ Cousin Jake

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Shera dominates with his strength advantage in the early going. Cody dives through the ropes, taking out Rohit and Raj on the floor. Cody jumps off the top but Shera catches him in mid-air and connects with a vicious Chokeslam. Shera hits a modified Powerslam to win.

My Opinion: 1.5 out of 5 – This match was like watching a James Franco-directed movie. That’s not a compliment. Franco is like the American version of Uwe Boll, except Boll hasn’t been accused of ruining Faulkner. This match was a slow mess that was hard to watch, like James Franco’s Future World. Overall, The Disaster Artist is the only good James Franco movie out of 19 pictures and this match was lousy.

Match #4: The Rascalz (Dez, Wentz & Trey) def. Ares, Toxin & Australian Suicide – Lucha Rules Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Lucha Rules means the competitors do not have to tag in and out of the match, it’s a free for all. The Rascalz jumpstart the match with triple Moonsaults to gain the early advantage. Toxin hits Dez with a backbreaker. Wentz connects with a springboard corkscrew press on Toxin. The Rascalz catch Ares on the floor but get taken out by Australian Suicide with a Shooting Star off the top. Dez hits a top rope double foot stomp on Toxin. Australian Suicide attempts another Shooting Star but he hits his own partner by accident. Dez flips Wentz on top of Australian Suicide to win.

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – More a demo reel of what these guys can do, this was a match for people who’ve never seen these guys wrestle before, rather than a match for the initiated. Also, Ad Astra was fantastic. This was worth the few minutes it took to watch and Ad Astra is a great picture.

Match #5: Havok def. Su Yung – No Disqualification Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Havok brings a staple gun with her to the ring. The bell rings and there’s no time wasted when it comes to violence. Su attempts to go Old School on the barricade but takes too long, allowing Havok to drop her on the steel barricade. Havok is draped over the ropes, Su takes advantage with a Pedigree. Su staples Havok between the legs with the staple gun. Su cannonballs off the apron, crashing into Havok on the floor. Su puts on the bloody glove but Havok fights her off with a series of kicks. Havok connects with the Tombstone Piledriver to win.

My Opinion: 2.4 out of 5 – This match was so slow, that it took a great match and made it a lame one. When you decide to sit down and watch it, you’ll notice that this thing is about as quick as frozen molasses. This was an ambitious brawl that failed to keep up with itself every step of the way.

Match #6: (Main Event) Rich Swann & Willie Mack def. LAX (Santana & Ortiz) w/ Konnan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This is the final match for LAX in IMPACT Wrestling. Santana hits Willie with a running dropkick. LAX connects with a unique double team sequence on Swann. Willie holds Santana while Swann jumps off the top and hits him with a modified swinging neckbreaker. Swann hits Ortiz with a rolling DDT and attempts a handspring cutter on Santana but Santana counters into a powerbomb. Santana hits another powerbomb on Swann, this time onto the knees on Ortiz. Willie connects with the Six Star Frog Splash on Santana. Swann and Willie hit Santana with a 450 Splash and Six Star Frog Splash respectively to pick up the win.

My Opinion: 3.8 out of 5 – This was a great final match for LAX. Right from the bell, these two teams knew what they were going for and stuck to a match based on respect and competition. No nonsense and no bull-$#!@, this is what LAX should get on their final night with Impact. The moves flowed from one to another with about as much ease as a whale on two-ton roller-skates and got to where they needed to go, twice as quickly. This whole match was handled with care and each wrestler came out of this looking better than when they went in. What can I say? When you have a strong main event that delivers, that’s all that you can ever expect from a wrestling league.

News Of The Night:

  1. Johnny Swinger is coming to IMPACT Wrestling, next week.
  2. Joey Ryan appeared as a stripper at Melissa Santos’s bachelorette party.
  3. Brian Cage ate doughnuts at his bachelor party.
  4. Su Yung was killed (hung from noose by Havok) and resurrected.
  5. Tenille Dashwood wants to wrestle Taya Valkyrie for the Knockout’s Title.
  6. The North appears to be in a feud with Rob Van Dam and Rhino.
  7. LAX got a great send-off from the locker room, who had come out to the ring to praise the departing tag team.

Final Verdict: 3.3/5

This show was all about the main event, which is fine considering the circumstances. I’ll miss seeing LAX in Impact, but they made to TNT for AEW, so that’s nothing to sniff at. Good luck guys. Christian, do your work.

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