16th Sep2019

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Sept 13th 2019)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here in Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have more from the Canadian Coo-Coo Bunch and that ?@#%!$& bird. We’ve got Marcy and her Woody Allen fetish, as well as D.B. Cooper and his “How-To” on not to get caught committing a crime while looking like a dink. Okay, let’s get to the matches, before this dog pisses on my leg and tells me it’s raining.

impact-wrestling-header

Match #1: Tenille Dashwood beat Kiera Hogan

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

This is Tenille’s IMPACT Wrestling in-ring debut. Kiera retreats in the early going. Kiera takes over with a superkick. Kiera hits a flurry of running strikes in the corner. Tenille connects with a Butterfly Suplex, followed by Taste of Tenille for a two count. Tenille attempts the Spotlight but Kiera counters into a rollup for a near fall. Tenille avoids a running strike, allowing her to lock in the Tarantula on the ropes. Tenille hits a top rope Crossbody, followed by the Spotlight to win.

My Opinion: 2.6 out of 5 – This was a good match that favored the wrong person in Kiera, when Tenille should have been given a bit more control over the fight. Tenille gave a fine performance in her debut and came across like a big star in the making. I kinda wish Tenille had a manager named The Captain, so they sing their asses all over the arena when she wins or loses or needs to cover up a fart. Oh no, that was a Russo-ism. I need to…fight…the…stupid! Ahhhhhhhh! Must…Sunny…naked…nooooooooo! I’m…I’m okay. You know I’ve never done it like that and I never will, because our Muskrat Love will keep us together. Anyway, these two definitely have some chemistry with each other, but this match was not the best demo for what these gals can do with each other. Overall, this needed more time to really make it matter, but at least it was good enough to talk about without regret of having had seen it at all.

Match #2: Michael Elgin beat Dynastia

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Dinastia hits a Hurricanrana, catching Elgin off guard. Dinastia jumps off the top but Elgin catches him in mid-air and connects with a backbreaker. Dinastia attempts a springboard to the outside but Elgin catches Dinastia once again and powerbombs him on the apron. Elgin puts Dinastia away with Emerald Flowsion, the signature move of Marufuji.

My Opinion: 1.9 out of 5 – This was a squash, but at least it was fun while it lasted.

Match #3: Dr. Wagner Jr. beat Texano Jr.

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Wagner gets on the mic but Texano attacks him from behind to gain the early advantage. Texano wants to attack Wagner with the bullrope but the referee stops him. Wagner gains control with series of Dragon Screw leg whips, followed by a cutter. Wagner dives off the apron, crashing into Texano on the floor. Wagner takes Texano off the top with a Superplex for a two count. Wagner connects with a signature sit-down slam to win.

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – This was a pretty good match that saw Dr. Jr. piss me off for not actually being retired after I said he was, which makes me look like a dumb-ass. Screw it. It was Wagner versus Texano, junior versus junior and luchador versus luchador in a match that coulda gone longer and could have been more exciting, but it was still a good match between two talented athletes.

Match #4: Ace Austin beat Eddie Edwards (Disqualification)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Eddie is furious and charges the ring. Eddie takes out Ace in the early going with a dive to the floor. Ace throws his jacket in the face of Eddie, allowing him to gain control with a spin kick. Ace delivers his signature paper cut to Eddie. Ace hits a low blow behind the referees back but Eddie comes right back at him with a huge clothesline. Eddie hits the Blue Thunder Bomb for a two count. Ace smashes Eddie over the head with baton, followed by a springboard kick for a very close near fall. Eddie connects with the Tiger Driver but Ace somehow kicks out at two. Eddie grabs a chair and hurls it at Ace, causing the disqualification.

My Opinion: 3.3 out of 5 – This was another fine match between two people who could do this in their sleep. Keep in mind, if they did this in their sleep, they’d wake up in a lot of pain. Can you imagine flying an air-plane while you were asleep? I’d wake up and scream as The Eagles were flying by while singing “Victim Of Love”. As for the match, I don’t like the DQ $#!@, but that’s how modern-day bookers think you can expand a rivalry, so they’ll keep doing it. I can expand my underwear by pulling on it real hard, so there. What in the name of Freddy Fender was I talking about? Please, tell me before the next tear-drop falls. Right. Eddie and Ace ought to be going to Bound For Glory as a big grudge match, if the bookers are paying attention. Overall, Booksmart was about two girls trying to make up for their lack of humping in one night and this match was pretty good.

Match #5: Big Mami and Nino Hamburgesa beat The Desi Hit Squad

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The Deaners are making the Desi Hit Squad compete in their farm clothes after being forced to work there in recent weeks. We learn that Gama Singh recently disappeared from the farm. Mami embraces The Matrix as she narrowly avoids some offense. Both Raj and Rohit get squashed by Mami and Nino in the corner. Nino and Mami take turns soaring through the air as they crash into the Desi Hit Squad on the floor. Nino launches himself off the top rope onto Raj to win.

My Opinion: 2.2 out of 5 – This wasn’t very much, but it was interesting enough make Dr. Hook and Fleetwood Mac go bowling. Imagine that single. Anyway, this was a match that felt like more of a novelty than a serious bout, but that’s the way Impact books sometimes. In any case, the Olive Garden beat the Indian Marines and that is a very tasty way to do business.

Match #6: (Main Event) oVe (Sami Callihan and Jake Crist) beat Tessa Blanchard and Tommy Dreamer – Street Fight Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Sami and Jake meet Tessa and Tommy on the stage, a brawl breaks out to start the match. Tessa jumps off the apron, hitting Jake with a running Hurricanrana on the floor. Tessa and Dreamer hit Jake with Dusty Rhodes style strikes, followed by in-sync cutters to Callihan and Jake. Sami reverses an Irish Whip, sending Dreamer into a steel chair. Tessa tries to take on both Sami and Jake but falls victim to the numbers game. Tessa takes out Jake with a super crossbody off the top. Callihan is about to hit Tessa with a Piledriver but Dreamer breaks it up with a kendo stick shot. Dave Crist and Madman Fulton hit the ring, causing a distraction for Dreamer. Callihan hits Dreamer with Cactus Special Piledriver to win.

My Opinion: 3.2 out of 5 – This was violent enough to make my pansy ass cream my shorts in fear, but it wasn’t enough to be a great match. No one gave a bad performance here, but the match just never was able to be more than a plunder-fest. By the way, Tessa looked right at home with whooping men’s asses, so I hope they have a talented man’s ass for her to kick at Bound For Glory. Okay, Mrs. Robinson, if you’re done trying to seduce Rizzo The Rat, then this match can be called “good”. I know. I wrote another lame line. Were you expecting me to get good at this by now?

News Of The Night:

  1. TJP told Fallah Bahh he’s going to help him become a star.
  2. Taya Valkyrie tried to coerce Rosemary into being her friend.
  3. Moose and Ken Shamrock will fight at Bound for Glory.
  4. Brian Cage will defend against the Impact Wrestling World Title Sami Callihan at Bound for Glory.
  5. Michael Elgin challenged Naomichi Marufuji to a match at Bound for Glory.
  6. Rich Swann and Willie Mack challenged LAX (Santana and Ortiz) to one final match next week and they accepted.
  7. James Mitchell is preparing Havok for Su Yung.
  8. Brian Cage and Melissa Santos are getting married in two weeks, right on Impact.
  9. Johnny Swinger is coming to IMPACT Wrestling.
  10. Mahabali Shera returned to Impact attacked the Deaners and joined the Desi Hit Squad.
  11. Rob Van Dam and Rhino helped Tommy Dreamer and Tessa Blanchard in fighting off oVe.

Final Verdict: 3.3/5

This was good show that wasn’t the best of the best, but it did a nice job of building toward a very strong Bound For Glory card.

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