25th Aug2019

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (Aug 23rd 2019)

by Nathan Favel

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and this show is a special called “Cali Combat”, which sounds like a PBS kids show created by David Mamet. Little Cali walked by the bakery on her way to Grandma’s, went inside and beat the $#!@ out of the clerk. Mamet never really got the gist of comedy, but neither did Jimmy Fallon. Stop laughing during the !&%#?@! sketches @$$-hole! Round up Jimmy Fallon, Jennifer Garner and Oprah Winfrey and punch ‘em all in the balls. Okay, I think it’s time to review Cali Combat, which features multiple title matches. Meatballs away!

impact-wrestling-header

Match #1: Michael Elgin vs. Rhino Ends (Double Countout)

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Let them loose! Elgin and Rhino brawl around the ringside area in the early going. Elgin attempts a Moonsault off the top but Rhino avoids it. Rhino hits a big Spinebuster for a two count. Rhino connects with a Piledriver, followed by a huge Superplex to gain momentum! Elgin cuts off a Gore, countering into a clothesline. The brawl around ringside continues, causing both men to get counted out!

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – Born in East LA! Born in East LA! I wasn’t, but somebody was. It’s important to diversify your stocks and bonds. Anyway, this was a fabulous way to start the show, like grilling Marmaduke for supper. Let that hairy !@#$ bark all he wants, ‘cuz it all stops when the pan turns hot. Don’t worry, I don’t eat dog for real… Elgin and Rhino picked up where they left off from their Ring Of Honor matches and clobbered the hell out of each other like Red Sox fans at a Taylor Swift concert. No, I hate this $#!@@? music more! No, I do! See? That joke made sense. I know Rhino doesn’t get a lot of credit these days, but he’s still one of wrestling’s best, which this match reminded me of. Good wrestling makes me happy and Michael Elgin might still be guilty of covering up a sex crime…might. Either way, congratulations to both guys for taking this second chance and running with it like Russian in an American political election. Also, America did it to Ireland for some reason. All in all, don’t !@#$ with another country’s elections and this match was really good.

Match #2: The North (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander) def. Reno Scum (Adam Thornstowe & Luster The Legend) – Impact Tag Team Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Page hits a spinning backbreaker on Thornstowe. Thornstowe connects with a slingshot maneuver on Page to build momentum and make the tag to Luster! Alexander rolls up Luster with his feet on the ropes but the referee catches him in the act. Luster slams his own partner Thornstowe on top of Alexander! Luster dives through the ropes, crashing into Page on the outside. Page pushes Thornstowe off the top. The North follow up with a double team to win.

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – Love is alive you little dream weaver. This was a fun match that was consistently solid, like a brick wall made of brick…walls. I love The North, like The South loved not losing battles in the American Civil War…which they did. Also, for you internationals (as Ted turner would say…Dead Turner would say internationals…brains), don’t go to the American South and talk about them losing the war, because they’ll get really pissed off. Trust me, they’ll drown your ass in dingleberry juice. Okay, The North looked great here and continue to be a great thing for a league that was missing this kind of act. Impact needs more teams for The North to fight and pronto. The pronto thing would’ve been easier if I had actually been able to buy TNA/Impact in 2014, but those are the conditions that prevail…for the Patti Smith Group. I’m losing this review by yards and feet, but these guys held this match together long enough to make a good impression and that’s all that matters.

Match #3: Havok def. Alisha Edwards

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Havok dominates Havok in the early stages of the match. Alisha begins to use her speed advantage to avoid the attacks of Havok. Alisha launches herself off the top but Havok catches her in mid-air! Havok connects with the Tombstone Piledriver to win.

My Opinion: 2 out of 5 – This wasn’t much, but they got paid for it, so there you go.

Match #4: Jake Crist def. Rich Swann – X-Division Championship Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Jake hits a superkick right at the opening bell! Rich jumps off the top rope but Jake cuts him off with another superkick! Rich connects with a top rope elbow drop for a two count! Jake hits a Death Valley Driver for a near fall of his own. Rich attempts the handspring cutter but Jake uses the referee as a shield! Jake rolls up Rich with a hold of the tights to win.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was an excellent match that may not have made Jake look like the star he isn’t yet, but it made both Jake and Rich look like great talents. This had a slow yet explosive quality to it that could be called “electric neon”. I won’t call it that, but you could. This was one of the better X-Division Title matches in Impact history, so missing this one would be a real shame. Okay, go give this match a shot and have some fun.

Match #5: Willie Mack def. Trey

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Willie hits a Samoan Drop, followed by a standing Moonsault. Willie connects with a running boot in the corner. Trey counters a Stunner attempt into a rollup for a two count. Trey hits a big neckbreaker for a near fall. Willie hits Trey with a mid-air Stunner to win!

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – This was a hard-hitting match that needed more time to kick as much ass as it deserved to kick. Mercado. I thought these guys worked well together, but Mack stood out the most between the two. Mercado. Overall, I wish this would have been pushed as being more than just match number five on the card. Mercado. Long live rock.

Match #6: (Main Event) Sami Callihan def. Tommy Dreamer – No Disqualification Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Dreamer rings the bell off Callihan’s crotch! Callihan and Dreamer square off with a baseball bat and kendo stick! Callihan places a steel chair on Dreamer’s chest and smashes it with a kendo stick! Callihan connects with a Con-Chair-To to the back of Dreamer. Dreamer hits a cutter for a two count. Callihan Irish whips Dreamer into a ladder, then cracks him over the head with a garbage can for a near fall! Dreamer slingshots Callihan into the garbage can, followed by a DDT for another near fall! Dreamer hits a Piledriver but Callihan breaks the pin but getting his foot on the rope. Callihan avoids a top rope elbow drop from Dreamer, causing him to crash into the steel ladder. Callihan connects with a Piledriver through a table to win.

My Opinion: 3 out of 5 – This was a slow but brutal brawl that had more klonks on the head than a cave-man orgy. This was more violent than a union strike in Major League Baseball. Swing batter, batter, swing! This match had all the usual power spots and hardcore shots to make you feel like an Almond Joy…or a Mounds. Paul Manafort was a geek and this match was pretty good, so screw Paul the dork and watch this fine little main event.

News Of The Night:

  1. Rhino fights Michael Elgin in a Falls Count Any-Where Match, next week.
  2. Taya Valkyrie defends the Knockout’s Title, next week.
  3. Impact is going to Mexico, starting next week.
  4. The Desi Hit Squad had to work on The Deaner’s family compound.
  5. Tenille Dashwood will be debuting for Impact Wrestling, very soon.
  6. Ken Shamrock is coming back to Impact to fight Moose.
  7. Sami Callihan and oVe argued about who has been screwing things up lately.
  8. Havok attacked Eddie Edwards when he tried to protect his wife, Alisha.
  9. Ace Austin is tricking Alisha Edwards into thinking her husband is trying to hurt her.
  10. Jordynne Grace and Madison Rayne are feuding over Grace working with Rosemary.

Final Verdict: 3/5

This was a good show that didn’t do as much as I was hoping it would do, but there wasn’t any-thing bad here, so that’s a plus.

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