13th Aug2019

‘The Velocipastor’ Review

by Alain Elliott

Stars: Alyssa Kempinski, Greg Cohan, Claire Hsu, Aurelio Voltaire, Nicholas M. Garofolo, Daniel Steere, Fernando Pacheco De Castro, Jiechang Yang, Jesse Turits, Erik Oh, Zachary Steere | Written and Directed by Brendan Steere


As soon as I read the title The Velocipastor I knew I had to see it. I didn’t need to see a trailer, I didn’t need to read what the story was, that title had already sold me. Despite this, I did keep my expectations low.

I needn’t have worried though because The Velocipastor knows exactly what type of movie it is and relishes in it. The story itself is simple, after he witnesses his parents die a priest discovers that he has the power to turn into a dinosaur. At first he is horrified but he then believes he can use it for ‘good’ and fight criminals and the worst people of the world. At some point, he also gets involved with ninjas, but we’ll move on to that later.

You know what you are getting with The Velocipastor after the first minute. When the priest sees his parents die after their car blows up, we see the camera focused on the incident but instead of seeing a car up in flames we see the words on the screen ‘VFX CAR ON FIRE’. If you laugh or at least smile, you’ll be okay with the movie. If that does nothing for you, it’s likely the rest of the movie won’t either.

The comedy is ridiculous. This is a Naked Gun spoof-style comedy but luckily, despite the very cheesy acting, the delivery of its lines is pretty much spot-on. Lead actor Greg Cohan does especially well with his jokes. Despite what I have just said, this isn’t quite like the Sharknado’s and Syfy movies of this world. It doesn’t take itself anywhere near as much seriously and is very much self aware.

The fight scenes, and there’s plenty of them, aren’t very great. Punches and kicks barely even connect but as said, this is kind of the idea. They were a bit to rubbish for my liking and by the end of the movie I was thinking I’d had enough of them and not seen anywhere enough of the dinosaur. But this all changes with the final fight scene against the ninjas. I loved it! It’s over the top, it’s dumb and we get to see the dinosaur in all its fighting glory (spoiler – yes it is a guy in a dinosaur suit but I much preferred that to any CGI). We even get a blood-filled decapitation, in fact there is quite a bit of the red stuff throughout.

You will probably know before seeing it if you’ll like The Velocipastor but even if you like it, it does have a few problems. It feels like a short film that someone has tried to extend to a full feature length. At only about sixty seven minutes long it still has plenty of filler including the usual love story moments, a music video-like scene and lots of flashbacks. But if, like me, you’re just enjoying the ride, these won’t really bother you.

The Velocipastor is a movie to watch with your friends or with a crowd that you know will love it. Laugh, quote-along and just have fun with it. I for one, hope for a sequel.

*** 3/5

The Velocipastor is available on DVD and On Demand now from Wild Eye Releasing.


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