17th Jun2019

‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (June 13th 2019)

by Nathan Favel

impact-wrestling-header

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have a night of build toward Slammiversary, so at least the priorities are correct. Let’s see if Impact can keep its streak of good shows going here or not.

Match #1: The North (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander) def. Rob Van Dam & Sabu w/ Super Genie – Winners Face LAX for Tag Team Championships at Bash at the Brewery

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The winners of this match will challenge LAX for the Tag Team Championships at the next IMPACT Plus special, Bash at the Brewery on July 5th! The North are in firm control of the match as they wear down RVD, preventing him from getting the tag to Sabu. RVD fights off Page with a series of kicks, allowing him to get the hot tag to Sabu! He brings a steel chair into play and uses it like only Sabu can! Alexander is set up on a table. RVD and Sabu are about to jump off the top rope when Moose appears and sends RVD to the floor! Sabu still connects with the Arabian Facebuster on Alexander through the table! Sabu goes for the pin but the distraction of Moose allows Page to break it up. The North put Sabu away with a flurry of double-team offense to become number one contenders for the Tag Team Championships!

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – This was a meaty, yet dull match that had RVD’s wrestling as the big highlight. It’s remarkable how the old guys are past their prime and are still getting better reactions than the new people. Maybe those new guys should take a harder look at the dust-breathing screw-balls called veterans and figure out why they’re doing so well with what some would call a nostalgia tour? Wow, that sentence was full of $#!@. Anyway, The North gets to fight for the titles at a beer factory. …and you thought a bingo hall was the worst place to have a match.

Match #2: Havok w/ James Mitchell & Su Yung def. Masha Slamovich

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Havok dominates Slamovich in the early going. Slamovich begins to build momentum but Havok cuts her off with a big swinging slam! Havok hits a Chokeslam, followed by a Tombstone Piledriver to win!

My Opinion: 1 out of 5 - Do you think David Lee Roth dances while he pees? What do you want? It’s a squash match. Are we still doing these damn things? Aside from a very select group of squash matches, do these $#!@-show bouts actually make any-one want to watch the winner wrestle again?

Match #3: Raj Singh w/ Rohit Raju & Gama Singh def. Cody Deaner w/ Cousin Jake

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Cody dives through the ropes, crashing into Raj on the floor! Cody heads to the top but a distraction from Rohit allows Raj to take control with a modified hanging Neckbreaker. Raj distracts the referee and Gama takes advantage with a closed fist to Cody from the outside! Jake stops Rohit from interfering. Jake is about to pummel Gama Singh when he has a heart attack! In the ring, Rohit hits Cody with a running knee. Raj hits a new finishing move to score the pin!

My Opinion: 1.5 out of 5 – This was a clunker, but an honest clunker. They tried to make this work, but the normal time restraints and all that malarkey kept it from doing anything exciting. Screw it. At least they got on TV.

Match #4: Madison Rayne def. Jordynne Grace

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The new-attitude Kiera Hogan joins Josh Mathews and Don Callis on commentary. She says she’s looking out for herself and no one else! Grace sends Madison over the top rope, crashing to the floor. Grace shows her strength and hits a long delayed vertical suplex. Madison locks in the Koji Clutch but Grace counters into an innovative submission of her own! Madison connects with a Ripcord Cutter on the floor! Grace hits a huge Muscle Buster but Madison kicks out at two! Kiera Hogan leaves the commentary table and walks up to ringside. Jordynne is distracted, allowing Madison to hit the Cross-Rayne to win!

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – This was starting to get somewhere, but these Bugs Bunny booking shenanigans don’t do anybody any favors. Hold on, Doc! I don’t wanna be no chicken. Chocolate malt! Yeah, this match got screwed out of its chocolate malt. Why do these matches always feel like they are secondary to the promos they follow? Ranye and Grace deserve a real chance to have a full, complete match, like the men. Will they get one? Will heads roll? Will Scooby Doo learn how to talk right? Find out next time on Soap. Oh, this was a decent match.

Match #5: Killer Kross def. The Sandman

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Sandman goes right on the attack with his kendo stick! Sandman swings and misses, allowing Kross to lock in the Kross Jacket! Sandman fades, awarding the quick victory to Kross.

My Opinion: 1 out of 5 – Yeah, this sucked, but at least Sandman was fun. It’s nice seeing these ECW guys again, but it feels like they are just being thrown in willy-nilly. That’s right! I used willy-nilly. What’s wrong with willy-nilly? It’s better than this match.

Match #6: (Main Event) Michael Elgin def. Willie Mack w/ X-Division Champion Rich Swann

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Willie builds momentum with a spinning heel kick, followed by a big leg drop. Elgin counters a Stunner attempt into a series of kicks. Elgin hits a massive Superplex for a very close near fall! Elgin charges into the corner but Willie sidesteps, causing Elgin to crash into the steel ring post. Willie is about to fly to the outside but Elgin grabs Swann and uses him as a shield! Elgin hits a clothesline, followed by a buckle bomb and the Elgin Bomb to win!

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – Your mileage may vary with this, but I thought this was another excellent main event. These guys beat the piss out of each other like it brought bonus pay. Hell, maybe they get paid per shot to the face. I’m not sure how Impact is paying anybody any more. These two guys make for such an easy pairing that you could almost call it lazy booking…almost. I thought this was better than the new Clash of the Titans movies. I know…faint praise. This was a real smash-mouth, hoss fight…I can’t think of any other lame words that loser wrestling writers like me over-use to sound like we know what the $?%& we’re talking about. Trust me. This is a good match.

News Of The Night:

  1. Michael Elgin, Johnny Impact and Willie Mack are in a three-way feud.
  2. 2Rob Van Dam fights Moose at Slammiversary.
  3. Taya Valkyrie fights Su Yung for the Knockout’s Title, next week.
  4. LAX will fight The Rascalz for the Impact Tag Team Titles at Slammiversary.
  5. Eddie Edwards and Killer Kross are still feuding.
  6. Kiera Hogan has gone heel and is feuding with Jordynne Grace.
  7. Tessa Blanchard fights Jake Crist, next week.
  8. Rosemary doubts James Mitchell can control Havoc, the latter of whom he wants to make Knockout’s Champion.
  9. Gama Singh faked a heart attack.
  10. Tommy Dreamer helped Rob Van Dam and Sabu attack Moose and The North.

Final Verdict: 2.5/5

The main event got the extra .5 here. What a dull show otherwise. I’m glad we’re inching towards inter-gender wrestling, but it would be nice to see something besides a soap opera. WWE Lite is still not an attractive attribute for Impact.

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