‘Impact Wrestling’ Review (May 9th 2019)

Welcome to this week’s Impact Wrestling review, right here on Nerdly. I’m Nathan Favel and we have the return of Rob Van Dam, as well as an oVe Rules Match for the main event. So, get your knickers in a bunch and get ready hurl ‘em up high, because Impact Wrestling…uh…I don’t remember what I was going for. Screw it. Just read the review. I’m sure I’ll botch it like everything else, but at least you’ll get a chuckle out of me seething over losing out on owning TNA to Anthem and their owl mascot.

Match #1: Tag Team Champions LAX (Santana & Ortiz) def. Moose & Josh Alexander – Non-Title Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Moose dropkicks Ortiz off the top, sending him crashing to the floor. Alexander continues to wear down Ortiz as he prevents him from tagging in Santana. Ortiz hits a modified cutter to turn it around and get the hot tag to Santana! Santana goes on the attack, taking it to Alexander. Moose trips him up but Ortiz takes out Moose to keep the momentum rolling! Moose catches Santana in mid-air and connects with a powerbomb, followed by Go to Hell for a near fall. Moose accidentally hits his partner with a big boot, allowing LAX to gain control. They hit Alexander with a flurry of double team offence to win.

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – There was nothing bad here, but this was one of those matches that fizzled out a little bit before the finale. LAX looked just fine and the new team of Moose and Alexander did well, but it just didn’t quite come together as it should have. In any case, this was a good way to open the show.

Match #2: Madison Rayne def. Knockouts Champion Taya Valkyrie – Non-Title Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Taya hits a clubbing blow to take control in the early going. Madison connects with a cutter for a two count. Taya hits a vicious sidewalk slam to regain control. Madison locks in a half Boston crab, causing Taya to quickly tap out for the win!

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – This was one of those matches that was less a piece of work and more like an obligation. Everything felt like it was a step or two below what they are both capable of. There’s nothing here that screams “worst match of the year”, but it was just a disappointment.

Match #3: Jordynne Grace def. Alexia Nicole

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Grace sends Alexia flying with a giant swing. Alexia attempts a German suplex but can’t get Grace up! Grace follows up with a modified Blue Thunder Bomb. Grace hits the Grace Driver to score the dominant victory.

My Opinion: 2 out of 5 – This was just a few moves from Grace, but the moves were good.

Match #4: Rob Van Dam def. Ethan Page w/ Josh Alexander

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

The brawl spills outside in the opening moments of the match. Page charges at Van Dam but he avoids it and sends Page crashing into Alexander! Page trips up Van Dam on the apron, allowing him to take control. Van Dam turns the tide with a series of kicks, followed by his signature Rolling Thunder! Van Dam hits the Five Star Frog Splash to win!

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – RVD was the whole $#@!&?% show here and Page was just long for the ride. RVD may be a few years past his prime, but he’s still a blast to watch.

Match #5: Desi Hit Squad (Rohit Raju & Raj Singh) w/ Gama Singh def. The Deaners (Cody & Cousin Jake), Brent Banks & Aiden Prince & The Rascalz (Dez & Wentz) – Four-Way Tag Team Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

Prince jumps off the second rope and hits Raj with a Hurricanrana. Cousin Jake takes out both members of the Desi Hit Squad with numerous clotheslines. The Deaners hit a modified double team Spinebuster on Rohit but everyone breaks up the count. The Rascalz send each other into the corner for huge dropkicks! Wentz launches himself off the back of Dez and hits a splash to the floor! Dez is next to fly as he connects with a cartwheel dive to the outside. Back in the ring, Rohit rolls up Cody with a hold of his belt to score the shocking victory!

My Opinion: 2.5 out of 5 – This was good while it lasted. There’s lots of exciting moves here, but that isn’t usually enough to make a match worth watching more than once. I wonder how long they would’ve given themselves to wrestle of they were given the book for the night? Anyway, this was fine for what they were commissioned to do, but not much more than that.

Match #6: (Main Event) oVe (Sami Callihan, Madman Fulton, Jake & Dave Crist) def. X-Division Champion Rich Swann, Willie Mack, Tommy Dreamer & Fallah Bahh w/ Scarlett Bordeaux – oVe Rules Match

The following is courtesy of impactwrestling.com:

oVe Rules means there are no disqualifications, no countouts and anything goes! The first pinfall or submission will decide it! Dreamer is looking to fly in the early going but Dave cuts him off. Dave takes to the skies himself with a Moonsault off the top rope to the floor! Fallah is next to fly with a dive through the ropes! Dreamer gets another opportunity to fly and does just that with a cannonball to the outside. Fulton hits Dreamer with a sidewalk slam onto a ladder. Jake hits Willie with a tornado DDT into a pile of steel chairs for a two count. Fulton powerbombs Fallah through two steel chairs. Then, Fulton places a barbed wire steel chair on Fallah’s chair and Crist stomps it into him for a near fall! Swann connects with a handspring cutter on Dave. Jake takes Swann off the top of a ladder with a huge cutter but Fallah breaks up the pin! Fulton jumps off the ladder but Fallah reverses in mid-air to hit a Samoan Drop. The violence picks up when Dreamer brings out the building blocks and spills them across the mat. Callihan hits Willie with the Cactus Special Piledriver into the building blocks to win.

My Opinion: 3.5 out of 5 – This was a wild, burly brawl that went all over the place…Mr. Anderson. Yeah, it’s a Matrix joke. So? They’re making another one. This match was more interesting than the Met Gala. Yeah, that’s a Met Gala joke. So? I’m not the Spanish. There was more carnage here than at a TED Talks thing with the Kardashian family as the guest stripper people. Yeah, that’s a Kardashian joke. So? They probably can’t read. These guys mixed the classic tropes of the garbage weapons matches and the leaner, meaner battles of Ring Of Honor to make a match that was as thrilling as a colonoscopy done from the opposite end. Yeah, that’s an @$$ to mouth joke. So? Brush your teeth and it won’t be a problem. I really enjoyed this and it’s positioning as the main event, like I enjoyed that God gave Rock N’ Roll to you. Yeah, that’s a KISS joke. So? Paul Stanley isn’t the pervert in the band. Over-all, what a great way to end the card and the show.

News Of The Night:

1. Tessa Blanchard might be going face.
2. Kiera Hogan appears to be going heel.
3. Michael Elgin is being booked to be a killer (of careers).
4. Rosemary challenged Su Yung to a Souls Match/Demon Collar Match, which appears to be a Winner Takes All affair that will see the victor have both the winner and loser’s soul in their possession.
5. Killer Kross and Eddie Edwards are in a feud over Eddie’s kendo stick.

Final Verdict: 3/5

This turned out well enough for a show that was more concerned about feuds than it was about good wrestling. That bull-$#!@ aside, the wrestling we got was good most of the way through and made for a solid night. I’m still a bit leery about Michael Elgin being on this roster considering his recent reputation of hiding the sexual assault charges and being difficult to work with. I hope that Elgin has got his act together, because there are quite a few people who aren’t willing to be patient with him. Why couldn’t they have run a poll asking if Elgin should be hired, rather than just making the assumption that people have forgiven him? Anyway, this show was good and you might just feel that way after watching it.