02nd Jul2018

Opinionated: Deadpool – Shaken, Not Stirred

by Nathan Favel

opinion-deadpool-new

It’s been a while since we’ve had some-thing like Deadpool, that being an equalizer, of sorts. From Bugs Bunny to Austin Powers to Garry Shandling and so on and so forth, our modern society has always relied upon at least one person, fictional or actual, to provide a cathartic, critical look at the world we live in. Deadpool has been a source of contention for a lot of people, but he, and Ryan Reynolds as well, have become the irreverent icon of our time. Deadpool reminds me of the Bob Hope/Bing Crosby “Road To…” pictures, with a focus on humor, rather than story. Also, Wade Wilson’s avocado/cancer face looks like what would happen if Bob and Bing’s heads were blended on the “ice” setting for ten seconds, so Deadpool’s got that going on for himself as well. Overall, these R-rated siblings to the X-Men franchise are a hell of a lot of fun, but they do have a problem.

The humor and the drama of the Deadpool films are often segregated from one another, creating an un-even feeling that can take some of the juice out of lemon, if you catch my drift (I sound like a gum-shoe moron when I talk like that, but I ain’t about to turn back now). For Deadpool to work, the wicked, warped slant Wade has on life should leak through to the dramatic scenes, especially when its in-appropriate. Take the sequence where Vanessa dies and Wade chases/kills her murderer and add Wade’s running commentary through the whole, you could have Deadpool narrate the scene as if he was a snarky member of the audience, only to remember that he’s watching some-thing terrible happen to his life and just fly off the handle:

Wade: Aw, he looks so sad. Now he’s gotta run in the rain to kill the guy who murdered his girl-f… hey, that’s my girl-friend! Get him Wade…me…fuck! Kill that mother-fucker like ABC did Sabrina the Teen-age Witch! The magic is fucking dead!

There is one other big problem I see with Deadpool and that is the lack of numerous sight gags, or any large amount of physical humor. I love all of the one-liners, but, from what I’ve seen, the visual humor, like the baby hand, the midget legs, the shirt-cock, the cocaine face-punch, the severed arm, middle finger, bridge-jump and their kind and ilk are the jokes that every-one applauds the most and laughs at hardest. Here’s one you could add to the scene where Deadpool is lying on the carpet at Blind Al’s apartment after Vanessa dies:

Wade: (Inner Monolouge) I remember the time Vanessa and I fucked Peter Griffin.

You cut to Wade and Vanessa fucking Peter Griffin…hard…and rough. That’s comedy!

If they’re gonna go through with Deadpool 3, then they should keep it intimate, like the first two, but it would be nice to tie up a few loose ends from the other X-Men films… and maybe a nice spinach salad with a bit of bacon (kosher!) and glass of ice-cold raspberry lemonade with a piece of blueberry cheesecake afterwards if you have the money. Here’s my idea for what they could do for Deadpool 3:

Wade and Vanessa, who is alive, if you didn’t watch the credits for Deadpool 2, are getting married, but their wedding is attacked by the Juggernaut. After being rescued by a mystery man, the evil mutant attackers flee. The mystery man is revealed to be Wade’s long-lost father, who happens to be the Wade from X-Men Origin: Wolverine. Wade apologizes for travelling back in time and shooting him (those end credits were doosies). Wade was drunk when he travelled back to kill “The Dead-Pool” and he was too wasted to realize he was only a little kid back then, so that he must have been shooting some-one else. Wade senior has returned to be the father that he never was for his son. Wade senior and junior go off on a series of adventures, including a bitchin’ party at Kurt Russell’s house (the computer wore big fucking tennis shoes)!

Cable, meanwhile, is locked in a dangerous game of cat and mouse with Bishop, who has travelled back in time to, apparently, kill him. Eventually, Cable learns that Bishop came back in time to capture Cable to use him as bait for a genetics expert named Nathaniel Essex. Bishop had raided the remains of an Essex Corp. facility in the future and, when he took a vile of DNA that was identical to Cable’s, a cyborg named Deathlok had hunted him down to regain it. Then, the pair is attacked by Deathlok, who has journeyed to the past to finish its mission. Cable and Bishop reprogram Deathlok after subduing him and get a list of who Essex is employing during this time after they discover Gambit’s real name on that list. The pair track down Gambit, who is in the middle of shaking down a whole drug cartel. Cable and Bishop, as well as Deathlok, help Gambit take down the cartel. The Nasty Boys, who have tracked Deathlok with a homing beacon built into his body, attack the group. Gambit uses his powers to knock out Cable and Bishop. Juggernaut collects every-body and return to Essex Corp. You see, funny stuff!

While on a bitchin’ vacation with Colossus and the rest of the X-Men, Deadpool, his fiancé Vanessa and his father, Wade Sr., Juggernaut attacks and captures Wade Sr. and Vanessa. Deadpool, Colossus, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Yukio, Domino and Fire-Fist/Russell pursue Juggernaut back to Essex Corp., where Deadpool finds Vanessa has been mutated in a shape-shifter named CopyCat. Suddenly, Nathaniel Essex enters and reveals himself as Mister Sinister. Gambit, who is at his side, is the same Gambit from X-Men Origins: Wolverine and came to Sinister when his powers became un-controllable when he got much older. Gambit under-went gene therapy at Sinister’s behest, which temporarily solved the problem (and also explains why he went from Taylor Kitsch to Channing Tatum, even though Gambit should be an old man now). Now, Gambit must periodically get injections to keep him stable. Deadpool’s father, who has had his mind wiped, is unleashed on his son in a fight to the death. Colossus fights Juggernaut (CGI fight!) while Domino, NTW and Yukio free Cable and Bishop while battling Sinister’s armed guards. Once freed, Cable and Bishop help Domino, NTW and Yukio free Sinister’s other experiments from their vats, including the younger Cable/Nathan Summers, who is a composite of Scott Summers and Jean Grey’s DNA. Cable fights the pissed teen Cable and convinces him to help destroy the Essex Corp. complex. Colossus knocks Juggernaut into a containment vat and freezes him inside of it. CopyCat is fighting Fire-Fist. Wade Sr. turns on Sinister and fights him while Deadpool finds Vanessa and breaks the trance placed on her. Vanessa leads a revolt with the other mutants Sinister created, until Sinister un-leashes a mutated William Stryker, who had been genetically altered several times by Sinister (how the fuck else can you explain Stryker being thirty, then fifty, then thirty-five, then sixty some-thing in a span of thirty some years?). Mutant Stryker, who is an un-limited version of Wade Sr., attacks Deadpool and fights both Wades until he is destroyed by the pair. Wade Sr. dies after being injected with an anti-serum from Sinister. Gambit blasts Sinister’s head off and they all escape the Essex Corp. complex as it explodes. After-wards, they all throw a bitchin’ party!

You see, that might suck the big one, but at least I remembered all of my punctuations. Wait… yes, I remembered all of my punctuations. Okay, bye bye!

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