07th Jul2015

‘Army of Frankensteins’ Review

by Richard Axtell

Stars: Jordan Farris, Christian Bellgardt, John Ferguson, Eric Gesecus, Rett Terrell, Burke McCrory, Raychelle McDonald, Lucas Ross, Thomas Cunningham, Shellie Sterling, Jami Harris, Donald Taylor, Laurie Cummings, Christopher Robinson, Gary Olinghouse | Written by Ryan Bellgardt, Josh McKamie, Andy Swanson | Directed by Ryan Bellgardt

army-frankensteins-poster

After a failed attempt to propose to his girlfriend, Alan Jones is beaten to within an inch of his life by a street gang and taken to a mysterious lab where Dr. Tanner Finski and his kid genius assistant perform horrible experiments on him hoping to re-animate a Frankenstein. The experiments lead to a hole being ripped in space and time, manifesting an Army of Frankensteins from hundreds of parallel universes and sending them all back to the 19th century, directly into the heart of a bloody battle between the North and South. History will never be the same.

The Army of Frankensteins. Because one just isn’t enough, am I right? Now, you’ve probably looked at the title and already placed this film in that little mental box which reads ‘B-movie’. If so, you’ll be glad to know that you have done exactly the right thing. Unfortunately, if you’re looking for one that is ‘so bad it’s good’ I am afraid you’ll have to look elsewhere. Army of Frankensteins unfortunately never gets to ‘good’.

A harsh beginning, I know, but let me tell you why. In the story, an ‘unfortunate accident’ causes the abducted Alan Jones and young teen Igor to be transported back in time to the American Civil War because of some extremely poorly explained pseudoscience. Turns out, those battle reenactments that they do in the US of A are pretty accurate, as the armies here consist of about fifteen men each and the fakest-looking facial hair I have ever seen.  There they meet ‘Solomon Jones,’ the ‘badass’ of this film with his manly stubble, and the nurse Virginia who seems to change love interests every few seconds.

Following a few dramatic scenes about slavery and poor father figures, we reach the middle of the film, which consists of a massive (by that I mean thirty guys in a field) battle where the bad guy is defeated. Happy days.

For some reason though, the film keeps going. And going. More men with fake facial hair turn up, and somehow the plot takes a shift as the main characters (who by now are all incredibly annoying) try to prevent the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. You can’t have a civil war film without Abraham Lincoln making an appearance. Oh, and I also would like to point out (spoilers) that Frankenstein cannot be killed by bullets… until it is convenient for the plot. Then he can totally be killed by bullets.

Argh! No, that wasn’t me doing a Frankenstein impression. That was me venting my frustration at Army of Frankensteins. This is supposed to be a horror comedy but I’m afraid it just doesn’t hit its mark.

* 1/5

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