18th Sep2014

If the Scottish Referendum was a Hollywood blockbuster…

by Phil Wheat

Imagine the scene: a group of Hollywood big-wigs are sitting around their glass desk, dressed in 80s power suits (yes, they’re so out of touch they STILL dress like its 1985), debating what film they can remake next. Then it hits them! Today is the day of the Scottish Referendum, the day England and Scotland go to political “war” (see, told you they’re out of touch). Of course, they thought, the last time Hollywood mined Scottish and English history it was a barnstorming box-office success. So why not try it again? If Braveheart could be a hit with all it’s historical inaccuracies, why couldn’t they make another historical epic?

So they began to research the referendum. Scotland want independence. Check. Scotland wants its own political landscape. Check? The English politicians are terrified that other countries in the “United Kingdom” will follow suit. Check. Even more than that, English politicians are terrified that we’ll have to start paying Scotland for North Sea oil. CHECK! So who’s the leader, the man who they could hang their inaccurate quasi-political story on? Why that would be Alex Salmond. But he’s not the Hollywood ideal of a “leading man”, even if he does have the support of the Scottish people. Could he be recast? Is there an A-list actor who could play Salmond?

Their latest blockbuster hung in the balance. Then someone has an even better idea. If Alex Salmond was to be the hero of their film, why not cast him in an already familiar story? That way audiences will flock to the film even with a leading man they aren’t familiar with. Bingo! A remake was born!

Remakes are hot right now, the Scottish referendum is a hot topic right now. Why not combine the two? Remake an old film, but give it a Scottish Referendum twist. But what film to remake? Braveheart? Independence Day? Highlander? How about a new James Bond film with the referendum as the backdrop? With no firm plans or any semblance of a script in place, the out of touch Hollywood producers turned to their mac-monkey graphic design staff to recreate some iconic movie posters with a referendum twist. And so they were born, Scotland’s Movie Posters.

colour-of-money

independence-day

Fencesitting

Highlander

Referendum

braveheart-final

*With sincerest, sincerest, apologies to any Scottish folk reading this*

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